Five Lies You Are Telling Yourself If You Wear Sweatpants

I don’t usually spend much time thinking about fashion or current styles. In fact, I spend virtually no time thinking about such things. The topic just doesn’t interest me. Still, a few fashion choices bother me. Skinny jeans on men come to mind. Whoever invented this emasculating pant option is evil. Pure evil. However, that’s not the point of this article. There is another fashion choice that bothers me even more. It is a concept so disgusting, so dehumanizing, so debased that I feel compelled to expose it for what it is. You might be asking yourself, “What could be worse than skinny jeans?” The answer is simple. Two seemingly innocent words that form an unholy union of staggering proportions:

SWEATPANTS.

Yeah…I said it. For years–decades even–sweatpants have gone unchallenged and unchecked. They have avoided criticism due to their very nature. [1. “By their very nature” needs an explanation. Most people view sweatpants as morally neutral. They are simple sports attire. They are designed with active people in mind. Due to these things, they avoid scrutiny. That is their goal and their most powerful weapon. There is nothing morally neutral about them.] I will allow that sweat pants in the privacy of your home are acceptable, barely. Public displays of sweatpants are never acceptable. Here are Five lies you believe if you are okay with wearing sweatpants:

1. “They are comfortable.” Sweatpants apologists like to point out how comfortable they are.  Erroneous thinking. Hanging out in my underwear is comfortable but that doesn’t mean I should be doing it in public. [2. Sweatpants were invented by Émile Camuset in the 1920s. He invented them to give people a comfortable option for exercise. He was the founder of Le Coq Sportif. Wiki source! He was also a Satanist.] [3. He wasn’t a Satanist. That was a joke.]

2. “Sweatpants are easy.” Those same apologists argue that sometimes it is just easier to slip into a pair of sweatpants instead of taking the time to select and iron a nice pair of dress slacks or khakis.  It is not easier.  It might save you a few seconds in the morning, but it will cost you a piece of your eternal soul. Verily. [4. Renowned theologian/mathematician, F.N. Fitzgerald III did a complex study on this very thing in 1947. He discovered that wearing sweatpants, or any other pant-of-ill-repute option, in public, would have a Voldemort/Horcrux affect on the wearer. You will in fact surrender pieces of your soul every time you choose the easy road of sweatpants.] [5. Also not true. Please keep up.]

3. “They don’t look that bad.” False. They do look that bad. In fact, they look worse. When you decide it is okay to wear sweatpants, you align yourself with out-of-shape gym teachers, sweat-suit wearing mob bosses, and Justin Bieber. Is that really the kind of person with whom you want to be associated? [6. This is your role model. ]

4. “No one cares if I wear sweatpants. I’m not hurting anyone.” How selfish and self-centered can you be to think this way? When you don your sweatpants, everyone around you suffers.

5. “When I wear sweatpants, I feel good about myself.” Wearing sweatpants in public tells the world that you have completely given up.  If you are willing to be seen in public wearing sweatpants then you have lost all self-respect even if you do not realize it yet. You might as well complete the picture and get some nacho cheese stains on your shirt (if you are wearing one) and Dorito [7. Don’t sue me Frito Lay! ] residue all over your fingers.