Names You Should Never Use For Your Children

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Consider this a service to all the young couples out there that are going to be starting families soon.  You are understandably excited. I’m sure you are doing your best to come up with a great name for your baby.  On the flip side, I am sure you have eliminated a few names for any number of reasons.  Well, I am here to discuss a few names you might have considered as possibilities in hopes that you will reconsider. Ladies first.


Girls

Jezebel. Even if there were no connection to the Biblical character, it is still an awful sounding name for a girl.  Unless you want your daughter to be pretty much the most evil woman ever.  If that is your goal, then Jezebel is the name to choose.  Just don’t blame me when she kills you in your sleep as a ritual sacrifice to Baal.

Olga.  It is scientifically impossible for someone named Olga to be less than 75 years old.  Look it up. It’s a real thing.

Chastity.  I’ll keep this simple: This name will most likely have the exact opposite result for your precious little girl as the name implies.

Pansy. This might have worked 50 years ago, but its time has come and gone. Goodbye Pansy. It was nice knowing you.

Fanny. I have some questions for those people who have actually named their daughter Fanny:  Did you have some sort of wager with your friends where the loser had to name one of their daughters Fanny? Were you a big fan of the fanny pack and you hope that by naming your daughter Fanny you will somehow inspire people to bring the pack back into prominence? The pack is dead – move on with your life.  Are you scratching your head trying to figure out what is wrong with the name Fanny? If so, don’t worry about it. Just go back to watching The Price is Right.


Boys

Gaylord. If you are seriously contemplating naming your son Gaylord, you need to seriously contemplate if you are related to Satan.

Adolf. You might as well tattoo a swastika on his forehead.

Jesus. Too much to live up to. He is never going to be as good, as important, as perfect, as Godly, as miraculous, as…you get the point. If the person is of Spanish heritage, then the name seems a little less sacrilegious. However, it might inspire witty comments like the one made by a child of one of REO’s writers. The family was dining at a Mexican restaurant and their waiter was named Jesus. They ran out of salsa and the REO progeny said, “Maybe he can do a miracle and whip us up some more salsa.” We are all so very proud.

Shirley, Marion, Avery, etc… Congratulations! It’s a girl!!!

Gowdy. Seriously. Who names their kid Gowdy?

Phill Lytle

I love: Jesus, my wife, my kids, my church, my family, my friends, Firefly, 80's rock, Lost, the Tennessee Titans, the St. Louis Cardinals, Brandon Sanderson books, Band of Brothers, Thai food, music, books, movies, TV, writing, Arrested Development, pizza, vacation, etc...

11 thoughts on “Names You Should Never Use For Your Children

  • June 29, 2016 at 12:47 pm
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    Is Gowdy even a real name?

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    • June 29, 2016 at 12:55 pm
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      Sounds made up to me.

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  • June 29, 2016 at 1:29 pm
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    It’s Latin for “He who is a doofus”.

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  • June 29, 2016 at 1:58 pm
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    I have a few Gowdy has suggested to add to this list… Haha! Just kidding.

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  • June 29, 2016 at 2:07 pm
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    She’s not kidding. “Erasmus” isn’t getting through. Both of our mothers are against it. Best name ever though. Despised and rejected. Just like Jesus.

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    • June 29, 2016 at 3:09 pm
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      Erasmus is great. I would gladly give my offspring that name. Boy or girl.

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  • June 29, 2016 at 2:07 pm
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    Gowdy? There’s a person named Gowdy?

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  • June 29, 2016 at 2:08 pm
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    Oh yeah and “Just go back to watching Price is Right”. LOL.

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  • June 29, 2016 at 4:02 pm
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    I think you should add any name that is already taken by a fruit, Donald, Hillary, and Bernie.

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  • June 29, 2016 at 7:03 pm
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    My 14-month old son was scrolling on my Kindle and pulled this up. When I saw your name on the list I was excited and wanted to share it with you. Then, I looked at the URL and saw it was your blog. I was slightly disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to share it with you

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    • June 29, 2016 at 7:28 pm
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      Ha! Phill wrote this but I DEFINITELY shared it.

      Reply

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