In Loving Honor of the Mighty Spoon

Many of us are aware that the spoon is very useful when it comes to eating a bowl of cereal or a bowl of soup. Eating them with a fork or knife? Just don’t go there. Anyway, most of the attention goes to the other two items of the top utensil threesome: forks and knives. Spoons are almost like the deformed step cousin of this little family. Forks and knives, so uppity, they got their own little superior clique all going on there with their imaginary man bun and skinny jeans. These guys are like the cool kids of the utensil drawer. I think it’s about time we pay honor to this neglected spoony fellow. Here are five greatnesses of the mighty spoon that don’t really even have to do with eating.

1.   Spoons put us in mind of the goodly Arthur Spooner of King of Queens fame. How can a spoon not immediately bring to mind old Arthur, one of the top five crusty old coots in film and TV history? Arthur with his eccentric ways, his basement misadventures, his daily walks with dog walker, Holly Shumpert. I tell you what, Doug and Carrie were blessed to have the guy living under their roof. Never mind that he once tried to sell their house without their knowledge. Never mind that he sometimes even cost people their jobs because they hurt his feelings, that he constantly called fake emergencies for kicks, that he made people cry all the time, and yada, yada, yada, and all of his totally backward schemes besides. We love him anyway. Let this utensil hold up this greatest of old coots in loving remembrance.

2.   Add prongs and, voila, a spork. The spork was invented around 1874. Since that time it has become widely recognized as one of the greatest inventions of all time, only slightly edged out by Netflix. The mighty spork, a spoon with fangs, if you will. A magical fusion of spoon and fork. An oaky afterbirth of two of the greatest utensils of all time. Confused as to what I mean by “oaky afterbirth” there? Just go with it. It pays homage to Michael Scott, another inimitable TV character. Anyway, sporks are awesome and more a spoon than a fork (at approximately 90%) which makes them superior to forks as far as sporkage goes.

3.   Spoons are simply figments of our imagination. It’s true. I know it is. That one kid told Neo that “there is no spoon” and everyone knows that movies don’t just make stuff up. Matrix, dude, its all the Matrix—especially spoons. That what I’m sure the entire trilogy was actually about. It was all about “there is no spoon.” Imagine that. Knives and forks, they seem fine and all, but they are part of the machine. You just better keep your eye on them because they are most likely the shady agents of Mr. Smith and his cohorts.

4.   It has one of the coolest names in the utensil kingdom. Say it long enough and you’ll see the magical wonder of the five letters. Not so for fork and knife. I’ll give you skewer or tongs. Those are pretty cool names. Mostly, though, the utensil world is largely inhabited by ultra-conservatively named instruments. Pretty boring, really, just utilitarian. Fork? Knife? Snoozefest! Not the spoon, though. I’m not sure what it is, maybe the double O. This particular arrangement often creates a unique look and sound to a word. Just look at “look” and “oodles” and “google”. Some of the most elegant and ingeniously creative words there.

5.   It makes for an excellent multipurpose boating tool for leprechauns. As research for this point, I spoke to the leadership of the International Federation of Leprechaun Boaters. They say that spoons surprisingly work better than any other human household object as a multipurpose boating tool. You can 1) use it as a very effective oar, 2) use it as a makeshift mast, 3) use it as a rudder, 5) use it as a makeshift, backup anchor, 4) use the bowl of the spoon in emergencies as a good reflective device to attract overhead airplanes or nearby search boats, and 5) use the bowl for sugar storage since a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. All in all, the spoon is the leprechaunic boaters best friend. And they are very thankful to the human race for this treasure. It’s no wonder they shower us gold.