I have been “under the weather” for the past four days. It’s nothing serious, but it has left me feeling drained. I am still not over it, but I do seem to be on the mend. I had intended to write The Five this week on the theory of Quantum Entanglement, but frankly, my brain is not working as efficiently as needed to do that topic justice. So, I figured I would switch gears and write about writing while sick, since that is literally what I am doing right this second. It’s all very Meta but hopefully by the end it will all make more sense to everyone. My sincere desire is that this article will speak into your life in some small way.
1. Sick writing means grumpiness.
I get grumpy when I am sick and writing anything for public consumption while in a grumpy state of mind is asking for trouble. I lose most of my filters when I am grumpy. What that means for you, my readers, is that I will likely lose my temper at some point in the process of writing this article. I might even go on a “rant” of some sort. I used to rant a lot when I had my personal blog, but I have avoided those rants because my wife didn’t care for them much and I felt REO was not a place for me to carry out my personal vendettas against everything that had ever annoyed me.
2. Sick writing means unfocused drivel.
If you need any more proof of this, just see point one. That is garbage. I’m man enough to admit that my first point is poorly articulated, inelegantly expressed, and woefully lacking in substance. I tried to pass it off like I was going to get angry, but I didn’t actually get angry in that point, so why did I even use that as one of my main points. Oh yeah! I need five points since this is a Five. It was a filler point. You caught me. I don’t care. At all.
3. Sick writing means whining.
Actually, I really do care. I am so sorry about the last point. I don’t know what happened. I think it’s all these meds I am taking. Currently, I am on a cocktail of ibuprofen, mucus expectorant, cough drops, vitamin C powder, and a few other things I am not going to disclose because it would cause you to think less of me as a person. And even with all those things coursing through my system, I still feel pretty terrible. If you are a human being with a soul, that should make you feel sorry for me. You should take all that into consideration when judging this article and its clear deficiencies. And if you don’t, you are just a jerk and if I ever meet you on the street I will be especially rude to you. I might even call you a name behind your back, mainly because I really don’t like conflict. It makes me very uncomfortable.
4. Sick writing means awkward introspection.
Can I open up to you guys? As dumb as this sounds, when I was lying in my bed two nights ago, feeling like I had molten hot lava flowing down my throat, I prayed for death. Seriously. At that point, I wanted to be done with it all and just go to heaven where I would feel great. And you know what that makes me: A complete wimp. There are so many people in the world that deal with way worse physical ailments than my little cold yet they persevere. My prayer for death has convicted me to stop being a sissy. Is there a Bible verse I can connect with that to make it sound more spiritual? I can’t think of one.
5. Sick writing means giving up even if the article is terrible.
You know, I should go over this thing a few more times, edit it a bit, and make it stronger and funnier. But I won’t. I’m tired. I have a headache. I am angry that I even have to write it. And I am annoyed with all of you for expecting a new Five every Friday. You’re all so greedy and needy. You try coming up a new Five every Friday and see how that goes for you! And those other jerks that write for REO that weren’t sick – you guys are even worse. Thanks for making the sick guy have to write this one. So, in the immortal words of Billy Madison, “I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I’m never coming back to school! Never!” I don’t really hate you guys. I just feel that quote nicely summarizes all of my main points: It’s angry, unfocused, whiny, introspective and pretty terrible. I hope this helps you in your life in some way. And if not, I really couldn’t care less. The end.