Calvinist Constantly Using Romans 9 Argument Stunned to Read Verses 30-33

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Local Calvinist Ezekiel Owens, after years of pulling out Romans 9 as his invincible weapon in discussions with Arminians, was taken aback today to read the last few verses of the chapter, according to sources.

“Yeah, for years he would get in lengthy discussions about what ‘all’ means in the Bible, but he always knew that if they got bogged down in details that he had a theological bazooka in his hip pocket,” confirmed his neighbor and aunt, Alice. “He was always going on about ‘God has mercy on whom he desires and hardens whom he desires. Who are you to question how or why God saves people?’ Bam! Gun to a knife fight. Now that he’s read Paul clarify by saying God has mercy and hardens based on whoever puts their faith in him, he seems lost. There’s even talk of him looking on Amazon for Arminius’ three-volume work. It’s that serious.”

Ezekiel’s old college roommate and unabashed Arminian, Joel, added, “I’ve been trying for years to use Romans 10:9 and the obvious choice of ‘if you confess’ to convince him of free will in salvation, but apparently he could not be convinced from chapter 10. Had to be 9.”

There have also been rumors of Ezekiel shaving his beard, but as of this writing those rumors are unconfirmed.

 

 

Gowdy Cannon

I am the pastor of the bilingual ministry of Northwest Community Church in Chicago. Our church is intentional in trying to bring English and Spanish speakers together in worship and community. My wife, Kayla, and I have been married two years. I teach ESL (English as a Second Language) classes to adult immigrants in my community. I am, at times, a student at Moody Theological Seminary in Chicago. I love The USC (the real one in SC, not the other one in CA), Seinfeld, John 3:30, Chic-Fil-A, Dumb and Dumber, the book of Job, preaching and teaching, and arguing about sports.

6 thoughts on “Calvinist Constantly Using Romans 9 Argument Stunned to Read Verses 30-33

  • January 31, 2018 at 6:30 pm
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    I think this is good stuff.

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    • January 31, 2018 at 10:43 pm
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      This is me trying to get my average REO article word count down. Bwuahahaha.

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  • February 1, 2018 at 8:46 am
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    I’m growing a beard…I worry about the theological ramifications of that decision.

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    • February 1, 2018 at 10:25 am
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      Ha! Funny thing – I’m a part of a FWB pastors group on Facebook. 80 members or so but about 30 active. They did a poll just last week about who has a beard and there were 22 yes votes, 9 no votes and 1 sometimes vote. For a while it was running over 80% bearded but I still though 70% was great.

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    • February 16, 2018 at 12:39 pm
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      I’m calvinist in the winter, arminian in the summer, and just confused in spring and fall…

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      • February 16, 2018 at 1:16 pm
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        I LOL-ed at this even though I’m 100% what it means. Do I dare ask Nathan to explain…?!?

        Reply

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