Five More Ways to Pretend Your Smart

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Long ago I wrote about five incredibly effective ways to make you look smart. However, my teachings are not yet complete, my young Padawans. Here are five more timeless principles of the Smarti Knighthood. Learn them well:


1. Practice “Smart” hand language.
There are many multiplied forms of this. The tip to tip fingers, the beard stroking, the hair twisting, leaning on the fist, the list is long and possibilities multitudinous. All are important, and all can be smartized if effectively used. While all are imperative and must be practiced faithfully, my personal favorite may be the tip-to-tip. One performs this smart hand motion by placing his or her two hands together, fingers touching tip to tip. It is no coincidence that all of history’s world great conquerors were enabled to do so in large part because they mastered the tip-to-tip.

2. Stare Pensively and Ever So Silently into the Distance.
One of the most imperative things you should know about pretending to be smart is that being mostly silent and very brooding is key. This must necessarily be paired with a very pensive gaze into the distance. People will be awed—awed!—because they will assume you are thinking about earth-shatteringly profound idea or revolutionary concept when in reality you are just deciding between Hardee’s and Wendy’s.

3. Make a Habit of Almost Always Talking About Grammar on Social Media.
One of the chief things I absolutely love about social media is that people will let you know when you have made some sort of grammatical blunder. That, my friends, is an excellent way to bolster your smart profile in the eyes of the world. To cap it off perfectly it helps to go ahead and call them a “bloviating ignoramus” and/or an “odious pachyderm.” Indeed, make a practice of constantly talking commas and there, their, and they’re. All will love you and despair.

4. In All Conversations Consistently Remind Everyone with An Ear to Hear that You Possess Encyclopedic Knowledge of all Things from the Foundations of the World to the Present.
This is another of life’s great joys to be found in abundant use on both Twitter and Facebook. When these very gifted and learned people speak their vast knowledge, people listen. They soak it up. In reality, this is a very simple thing to do. Very is actually very little knowledge out there so just pretend like you know all the answers to everything.

This works for real-world conversations as well. In this case, you should be sure to do so only if you’re in at least decent shape. Such is the case since after you regurgitate a “fact” you should run away and hide as quickly as possible while they check your “facts” on Wikipedia.

5. Wear a Cape.
In my last article on pretending to be smart, I mentioned that a wizard’s staff is an excellent clothing item to complement your pretended smartness. While that is an ancient and very respected smart accessory, it is certainly not the only helpful one. There is also the cape. Edna Mode will not tell you that yet another reason that she has the “No Capes!” rule is that she has found that the cape makes her superhero clients look smarter than herself. Imagine Superman or Dr. Strange or Batman without capes. Superdorks, that’s what you would get. Nothing but superdorks.

To utilize a cape to maximum efficiency walk into the wind so that it furls dramatically behind you as you walk. If possible, walk in slow motion.

Ben Plunkett

Greetings from the booming metropolis that is Pleasant View, Tennessee. I am a man of constant spiritual highs and spiritual lows. I pray that I serve God at my highest even when I am lowest.

13 thoughts on “Five More Ways to Pretend Your Smart

  • May 25, 2018 at 10:54 am
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    I grew a beard just so I could do the whole “beard stroking” thing to look smart. It really works. People now think I am a genius. At least, they keep calling me “Einstein” so I’m sure that’s what they mean.

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    • May 25, 2018 at 11:11 am
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      While the tip to tip is my top hand smart look, the beard stroke is only slightly less so. World-class technique there. I mourn for all beardless individuals who have not this joy.

      Reply
  • May 25, 2018 at 11:00 am
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    I find that in addition to a cape. The use of a monocle, and a pocket watch with a gold chain. The monocle ads an important air of stuffiness, and makes it much more effective when you look condescendingly at someone. The gold pocket watch and chain let’s everyone know that your time is more valuable than theirs.

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    • May 25, 2018 at 11:08 am
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      Excellent suggestions. I especially appreciate the monocle addition. Eyeglasses of any variety usually bolster the smart profile of a person, with a monocle definitely the reigning king.

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  • May 25, 2018 at 1:34 pm
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    This is great. Love it. Hilarious. Another one that I think is up there – Make sure when you are in social media debate, you accuse others of logical fallacy. And then explain which one they’ve committed exactly with a text book definition. Explain it pretentiously, like the other person is 3 years old. That will seal the deal on the Smart look.

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  • May 25, 2018 at 2:19 pm
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    And then, when you’re all done, you can sing like Homer Simpson, “I am so smart, S-M-R-T…”

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  • May 25, 2018 at 3:22 pm
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    “3. Make a Habit of Almost Always Talking About Grammar on Social Media.
    One of the chief things I absolutely love about social media is that people will let you know when you have made some sort of grammatical blunder. That, my friends, is an excellent way to bolster your smart profile in the eyes of the world.”

    Ok, I’ll bite. I’m assuming you definitely wanted someone to point out you’re title for this article.

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    • May 25, 2018 at 3:35 pm
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      We definitely want people to realize we are in on the joke about the title.

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      • May 25, 2018 at 3:39 pm
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        Your the most smartest. Defiantly the most. Dose this make sense?

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        • May 25, 2018 at 3:43 pm
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          Amy, I bet it was painful to type that.

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    • May 25, 2018 at 4:45 pm
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      Bravo!

      Reply
  • May 27, 2018 at 4:06 pm
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    I could pretend all I wanted to but I wouldn’t fool anyone. Smart is not a word that is associated with my name. I fit more along the lines of “court jester” or “teen idiot”. But I am glad this will be beneficial to those who are on the precipice of brilliancy.

    Reply

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