Edna Mode’s Yet Five More Reasons Why No Capes!
- Edna Mode’s Five More Reasons Why No Capes!
- Edna Mode’s Yet Five More Reasons Why No Capes!
In my last article on the history of Edna’s staunch “No Capes!” rule, I took a closer look at five more instances that led to its formation. The previous bunch, along with those in the movie, were enough for Edna Mode to begin the road toward disgruntlement of all cape-usages. Over the course of many more years, during which she created hundreds of successful designs, she created only five more cape-equipped costumes. All failed and sealed the “no capes!” deal. Here are those five:
Miss Icarus Twain’s Solar Powered Cape Burst Into Flames
Miss Icarus Twain was one of the leading astronomers in the world, some say that ever lived. Her specialty was the study of the sun and stars. She learned the secrets of harnessing the natural powers inherent in these celestial bodies.
Based entirely on Miss Icarus calculations, Edna Mode designed a special Star suit complete with a uniquely solar-powered cape that absorbed into Miss Icarus Twain these substantial powers. It even enabled her to take flight!
She wanted to name herself Miss Icarus. Unfortunately, that name had already been taken and trademarked by a previous superhero. So, she just added Twain instead of Two, since that would be too ordinary. One especially bright sunny day, Miss Icarus Twain was in hot pursuit of Cloud Bane. On that fateful day, my friends, she flew too close to the sun. The cape became too heated. Malfunctioning, it burst into flames. Yet in days too come the horribly scarred Miss Icarus rose again, only this time with a new alias: The Anti-Cape Crusader!
Queen Dagger’s Razor-Sharp Cape Sliced and Diced Her During a Particularly Strong Gust of Wind
After a long search, Alice B. Queen discovered the long-lost land of Middle Earth. It was then that she sang a great song like the ancient Ainur. Great was her grief when absolutely nothing happened save for a few skittish crows flying off in fright. However, she determined to rid that land of all remaining minions of Morgoth.
Many more years she spent in training. During this time she carefully studied Legolas’ fighting techniques in Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. She even interviewed Orlando Bloom. Twice. Years later she was ready and assumed her secret identity: Queen Dagger (because of all her knives and other sharp stuff). She requested Edna to fashion her a knife and sword-themed suit complete with a cape with a razor-sharp edge to it.
With her faithful dog, Dagor Lad, Queen Dagger spent the next two decades pursuing the Morgoth-related supervillains of Middle Earth. One fell day she faced off against a new foe who went by the name of Goblin Cleaver, the darkest of all goblins. In her mind, she had determined that prior to slaying him she would reveal to him the great folly of his chosen alias since the actual Goblin Cleaver was a sword that actually killed goblins. Then she would laugh a maniacal laugh, yeah. However, before this could transpire, a particularly strong and tumultuous gust of wind blew through. Her cape tossed and turned all about her, felling her that day.
The good thing here is Goblin Cleaver adopted Dagor Lad and soon afterward became one of the nicest, animal-loving goblins you have ever met.
Escape Failed to Ever Be Taken Seriously Because His Cape with an “S” Was a Stupid Play on His Alias
At the age of 31 the Linguist professor, Jerrod Mode, discovered one day that he had the natural ability to shoot red ink from his eyes and in at times of especially great fury, from his ears. From that day forward he became the formidable superhero, Escape, blotting out all error with his perilous red ink.
He carefully selected his alias not because it had anything whatsoever to do with his powers, but because he had a hilarious idea for wordplay with his cape and thusly to cure the world’s ills with laughter. Garnering the substantial services of Edna Mode, he was pleased that she laughed to tears at his vision and accepted it as her own. Few people realize that shortly afterward the two got married, happily creating “hilarious” puns together in there spare time.
He did less well as a superhero. No one took him seriously with his silly “S” cape joke. He eventually grew weary of this and spent the rest of his days spraying red ink on the kids on their lawn and arguing with Edna about the Oxford Comma. After his death by drowning in a pool of his own ink, Edna never made another pun.
Electro Man’s Electric Blanket Cape Electrocuted Him
Fred Tompkins worked a clerk job at Radio Shack during the ’80s. During his off time, he tinkered with a completely robotic super-suit from the store’s state-of-the-art electronics. Among many other wonders, it boasted a strand of buttons attached to one armband that presented several different kinds of laser sounds and a digital alarm clock on the other armband that actually gave the time in a robotic voice!
To cap off his self-made Electro-Man persona he acquired Edna’s services to fashion him a completely electric cape. By this time, Edna Mode was already becoming decidedly disgruntled with the use of capes, which is why she really didn’t put much effort into the project. She just bought an electric blanket from a thrift store and made it look capish. She plugged it into an outlet in the neck armor and called it a day. To her everlasting shame because of her carelessness that day, Edna utilized an old and very damaged electric blanket and therefore helped bring about her clients’ end.
Not many months afterward Electro-Man had joined forces with Invector in the hot pursuit of the archnemesis duo Arabian Knight and Thundersplash. The two separated, with Invector pursuing Arabian Knight and Electro-Man chasing Thundersplash. Alone, Thundersplash slowly turned and assaulted Electro-Man with a torrent of water. This spelled doom for the superhero with his old, faulty wired “cape”. Electro-Man perished that day and Edna disavowed capes for all time. And she did for 20 years.
Mighty Mother-Boy’s Overly Affectionate Cape Smothered Him to Death
This happened to be the last cape project Edna Mode would ever do. It came many years after she had already disavowed them and she only did so upon the earnest plea of a dear friend.
From youth, Ted’s mother had painstakingly trained him to be a lethal fighting machine in defense of all mothers and all mother related interests all over the world. Finally, as an adult, he was prepared for his lifelong mission. He maintained his secret Mothercave in the dark, mysterious recesses of her basement. Free of charge, Edna fashioned Ted the perfect Mother-Boy suit decorated with a striking mid-70s orange and olive-green flower motif.
Upon her BFF’s earnest plea, Edna finally and very reluctantly agreed to add a cape infused with the latest A.I. technology, programmed with the most claustrophobic motherly emotion. This would be Mother-Boy’s undoing. It was while saving a mother from a particularly hideous tantrum that his cape was suddenly overcome with so strong a sentimental emotion that it embraced him to his doom.
Ben was a founding member of Rambling Ever On and a regular contributor and editor until his untimely death in April 2020.
We wrote a tribute to him, but the best tribute you can give him would be to read all the wonderful poems, short stories, book reviews, theological essays, and ridiculous satire pieces he wrote for us. Pass them on to others and maybe allow Ben to inspire you to write something yourself.
- Masters (Considering Ecclesiastes) - February 7, 2024
- Flowers and Runners (Considering Ecclesiastes) - January 4, 2024
- Until the Return (Considering Ecclesiastes) - October 18, 2023
Incredible imagination, Ben, and a remarkable ability to express it!