The writers of Rambling Ever On are all committed Christians. That is why several of the holidays are celebrated with Jesus at the center. That being said, there is really nothing sinful with enjoying the traditional, secular, commercial aspects of these festive days. (Well, mostly.) That is not to say that kinks are non-existent. They just need to be worked out. Here are a few suggested holiday changes:
Valentine’s Day – Optional Holiday: Val Kilmer Day.
I think I have heard more complaints about this particular holiday than any other. There are those single persons who don’t like it because it just reminds them how single and lonely and miserable they are. Then there are many both single and attached who recognize it as nothing more than a commercially manufactured holiday designed only to make money from the sales of chocolates, flowers, and restaurants.
There are those who treasure the holiday and that’s all well and good for them. Bless their hearts. For the rest of us, let me suggest Val Kilmer Day. He has lots of great movies to choose from Tombstone, Willow, Heat, The Ghost and the Darkness…Willow…And some other stuff.
Easter – Change Out the Easter Bunny With The Easter Geezer
I have heard that some circuses are attempting to stop animal cruelty by replacing live animals with hologram animals. They have the right idea. I motion that we replace the easter bunny with a non-animal. I suggest the Easter Geezer, an old man who hops around the lands giving shiny pennies to all the good boys and girls of the world.
Halloween – Save the pumpkins, use Jalapenos instead.
Linus has pretty much determined that the pumpkin is the recognized mascot of Halloween. And people have clearly accepted this with jack-o-lanterns the most common décor seen on that day. I’m pretty sure there is only one good use of pumpkins and that is to cut them up, boil them, and make pumpkin pie. I hate seeing good pumpkin pies just rotting away on doorsteps and front lawns. So, I suggest we replace the Great Pumpkin with the Great Jalapeno. I like Jalapenos, I really do, but some vegetable has to pay the price and jalapenos don’t exactly scream “I’m a fall food!”
Thanksgiving – Let’s elect the red Looney Tunes monster Gossamer the official mascot of Thanksgiving.
I was thinking, Thanksgiving lacks a really good mascot. Let’s make this big fellow that mascot. “Why?” you ask. WHY? For crying out loud, does there have to be an answer for everything? Just go with it. It’s like that wise New Yorker editor told Elaine, “Well Ms. Benes, cartoons are like Gossamer and one doesn’t dissect Gossamer.”
Christmas – Impeach Santa, long live King Moonracer!
A few Christmases ago my friend Phill Lytle wrote an expose called “Five Reasons ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ is the Worst Christmas Movie Ever.” It pretty much convinced me of the adamant corruption and even adamanter evil of the reigning representative of Christmas, this so-called Santa Claus. He is very clearly unworthy of the title. I suggest he be replaced with King Moonracer, the kindly and wise ruler of the island of misfit toys. Plus he can fly. Girded with this power, it would be a simple matter for him to perform his annual global duties.