BREAKING: New App Unveiled To Eradicate Devil Music

A powerhouse consortium including Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and Bob Jones University, has unveiled a new app to combat the proliferation of worldly music. The app, “Sacred Fire” ingeniously updates the well-loved tradition of youth groups burning their secular music for a modern, digital age.

“It has become clear, to those of us with eyes to see, that our society is racing to Hell in record time.” Robertson said at the recent unveiling. “We looked for possible causes and the answer was so obvious we were surprised we had not realized it sooner. Once music went digital, with iTunes and the like, churches lost the ability to hold good, old-fashioned CD burnings. We knew that something had to be done. So we got together and we created “Sacred Fire.”

According to the press release for “Sacred Fire”, when launched, the app appears as a large bonfire on your device’s screen. From there, you simply drag and drop the offending songs or albums into the fire and they are removed from your music library forever.

Robertson continued, “We wanted to make sure the process was simple but also with a tactile sense of achievement. Back in the day, when you threw a record, cassette tape, or a CD into the fire, you would see it melt and crack and you could hear it pop. We knew we needed to re-create that as much as possible. Instead of sound effects like crackling and popping, we have added words of encouragement taken directly from the pages of the Bible.”

A few examples were given by Robertson during the announcement for these words of encouragement. “For instance, if you were to drop a song like Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on a Prayer’ you would get the basic, ‘Praise the Lord!’ response, since that song is only moderately offensive.” Robertson added. “A song like Beyoncé’s ‘Sorry’ would get a stronger response, possibly ‘Well done good and faithful servant.’”

For the most evil and demonic songs, “Sacred Fire” includes the ultimate response to give the user the strongest sense of accomplishment and righteousness. “There are certain songs and artists that are so far beyond the pale that we just had to acknowledge that and reward those holy young believers in their spiritual walk. When you toss a song like Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” or Hozier’s ‘Take Me to Church” into the fire, the screen will go black and you will hear weeping and gnashing of teeth. That is extremely satisfying. We believe it is important to communicate how truly evil certain music is. AC/DC’s entire catalog gets that response.”

The app will be available for download on both IOS and Android devices in the spring of 2018.




To Combat “Rape Culture”, New Trend Sees Women Getting Fetal Permission to Abort

A recent trend has shown that some forward thinking young mothers are combatting the “rape culture” in our society by asking for their infant’s permission before picking them up or holding them. In regards to her six month old son, one such mother said:

Since the moment he was born, we’ve always asked before we pick him up. I always feel for his “yes.” Why? Because we want him to know that his body is his, and that others’ bodies are theirs, and no one gets to make choices about someone else’s body.

Apparently, this progressive choice is not strong enough for many of the more socially conscious members of our society. There is now a movement of young, pregnant, biological females who are not interested in carrying their baby full-term, to ask the fetus’s permission to abort them. Cindy S of Kalamazoo, MI puts it this way:

I do everything I can to fight against the oppressive and destructive patriarchal rape mentality in our country. That is why I have asked my unborn fetus their permission to abort them. I don’t want to infringe on its rights. The fetus’s body belongs to the fetus. No one else gets to make this choice for its body. Strangely enough, my fetus did not choose to go through with the abortion and I have to honor that choice.

More and more women are joining their voices in support of this paradigm shift in societal worldviews. Jessie M of Springfield, MO had this to offer:

The thing is, I really wanted to get an abortion. I am a huge advocate of women’s rights and have supported Planned Parenthood for years. (Jessie is 19.) But I realized that if I wanted to be on the right side of history, I needed to have a conversation with my fetus to get its input on the abortion. My fetus is not in favor of the abortion at this time so I am planning on birthing it six months from now. At least this young person will grow up in a home that values individual rights and hopefully won’t be a sexual predator or victim because I have instilled in it a fierce personal identity and self-worth.

At this time, it is not clear the long-term ramifications this new mindset will have on society at large. A wait and see approach seems appropriate.

(Editor’s note: We interviewed dozens of pregnant biological women who have chosen to seek input from their fetuses for permission to abort them. In all cases, the fetuses have opted to not be aborted.)




Fool’s Gold: Are the Golden State Warriors the Most Overrated Team of All Time?

The 2016-2017 Golden State Warriors are champions of the basketball world once again. This is their second title in three years, having defeated LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers both times. They went 16-1 in the playoffs which is the highest post season winning percentage in the history of the NBA. By every conceivable measure they appear to be a great team.

Unless you ask other NBA players.

Charles Barkely, Scottie Pippen, Rasheed Wallace, Robert Horry, Julius Irving, and Magic Johnson have all had less-than-kind things to say about this Warriors’ team. All of them have publicly questioned their greatness, insinuating that they are the product of a watered down, less talented and more easily exploited league.

We here at Rambling Ever On decided to take a closer look into this controversy. What is it about this Warriors’ team that causes all of these former (and current) players to withhold praise, or worse, to openly doubt? We have done our best to get a good sampling of reaction from various NBA players who have played in different eras.

We started our investigation with the players from the 80’s and 90’s, since they seemed to be the most vocal in their criticism. Craig Ehlo, a former Cleveland Cavalier from the 80’s and 90’s, noted “I have no doubt we’d take them. 5 games at most. We didn’t win the championship but the league was tougher back then. And with the new rules Mark Price would hit 22 threes a game, minimum. Between me, Wilkins and Price, we’d have the Splash Triplets. Curry would ride the bench in the 90’s NBA.”

Patrick Ewing, Hall of Fame center for the New York Knicks bristled when asked if the current Warriors are better than the 1996 Chicago Bulls. “Man, we played those Bulls’ teams! They were great. Best ever. And we played them close. These pretty boys from Oakland would be crying on the court if they had to play me, Mason and Oakley. We sweep them or they would give up. Whichever comes first.”

It appears there is a level of skepticism about the Warriors. We dug deeper.

Michael Olowokandi, the number one pick in the 1998 draft has also recently spoken out. “I’m confident the 99 Clippers would take these Warriors. I know I only averaged 8 points per game for my career, but the league was tougher back then. Draymond Green wouldn’t be able to touch me. I’d go for 30 every night.”

The skepticism and verbal attacks are not reserved for players from the 80’s and 90’s. NBA players from every decade are stepping up and taking their shots at Durant, Curry and the Warriors. Fred Carter, the leading scorer on the 1973 Sixers had some choice words.[1.The 1973 Sixers went 9-73 – the worst record in NBA history.] “Back when I played, there were only 17 teams in the league. There are 30 teams today. Obviously that has watered down the league. And we didn’t have any of those European players. Those guys should just stick to soccer.” Carter continued, “We didn’t have the three point shot in my day either. It didn’t exist. If it had been around, I am confident that at least half of my team could have shot it at least as well as Stephen Curry. Probably better.”

Fred “Curly” Neal of the Harlem Globetrotters added his own perspective. “Those guys are fancy. They dribble, they drive, they shoot from anywhere on the court. But we did all those things and we did them better. We looked better as well, you know what I’m saying? Don’t give me that 16-1! The Globetrotters won 8,829 games in a row!”

Surely, we thought to ourselves, that at the very least, the current players would have a healthy respect for a team that has won 207 regular season games and two NBA championships in the past three seasons. So, we approached LeBron James, arguably the great player of his generation, to get his thoughts. James was thoughtful and political with his response, yet with enough negativity it was clear the questions about the Warriors extends beyond the older generations. “Well, they were a great team. No doubt. But they played in an era that honestly didn’t have a lot of great teams. And their style of play worked for them in that era but would not be as effective against the great teams of other eras.” We asked James if his Cavaliers team would beat the Kevin Durant led Warriors in a seven game series. LeBron smiled, “Absolutely. Our team could defend the perimeter which would have contained Curry and Thompson. We would have neutralized Durant completely. Our teamwork and passing would have made it impossible for their defense to key on any one player. And defensively, we played a physical and aggressive style that would have knocked them off their game. We would have won that series in 5, maybe 6 games.”

There you have it. The Golden State Warriors, who set the NBA record for the most regular season wins in a single season AND over a three year span, winners of two NBA championships, are just not very good. In fact, ask any player, past or present, besides Dell Curry and Mychal Thompson, and they would tell you that pretty much any team that has ever played in the NBA could beat these guys. Even some great college teams could probably give them a good run for their money. In fact, there have been rumors that members of the 1995 College of Charleston Cougars are saying they believe their team could also defeat the Warriors in a 7 game series, but none of them could be reached for comment.




Five Strong Indicators You are Likely Dealing With a Racist

Years ago, in previous decades of our nation, there were times the citizens of our great country disagreed. In fact, going back even further and examining other countries, nations, and cultures, disagreement has always been part of the human experience. In times of old, disagreements were debated, argued, and discussed. Those in conflict examined the issues with logic, reason, burnings, and wars. Disagreements were handled with maturity and nuance. And violence. Mature and nuanced violence. Things have changed in the intervening years. Today, if you disagree with someone, particularly on issues of economics, culture, society, crime, wages, religion, arts, law enforcement, politics, sports, education, fashion, and identity, the best way to win the argument and destroy your opponent’s position is to yell “Racist!” as loudly as possible. Don’t worry about having any real proof of racism. Just the simple accusation is enough. It will save you time and effort and will keep you from having to listen to, understand, or respect the other person’s position. It will save you from actual fighting as well. Who has time to actually fight other people?

Now that you have the ultimate argumentative weapon in your arsenal, here are the five key Indicators that the person you are debating with is a racist so you can unleash hell on their unsuspecting head.

1. They are probably a racist if they are from the South.
Everyone knows that people that come from the South are predisposed to be racist. For one thing, those accents are clear indicators of racist thoughts and ideas. Movie and television shows are very clear on this issue as well, and we all know how trustworthy and true-to-life those are. Plus, the trump card (pun fully intended) is the American Civil War. The South loved owning slaves and was willing to fight their fellow citizens to keep those slaves. That alone will forever make them racists.

2. They are probably a racist if they are an Evangelical Christian.
Follow the math: If most people in the South are racist, and most Evangelical Christians live in the South, then it only makes sense that most Evangelical Christians are racists. The math is sound. And settled. Don’t argue with it or you are anti-math and a racist.

3. They are probably a racist if they are a Republican.
Two words: Donald Trump. What more proof do you need? Republicans nominated and then elected the most racist person ever. You don’t elect a racist if you are not a racist yourself.

4. They are probably a racist if they are a man.
Men are the worst. All men have a built-in need to dominate and control. Men make more money than women do and it’s totally unfair. Men hold more positions of power, influence, and prestige than women. It stands to reason then, that men are going to use that power and influence to oppress minorities. Why should they limit themselves to only oppressing women?

5. They are probably a racist if they are white.
White people are the most racist people in the history of humanity. Just ask any college professor at any legitimate university in the country. If you are white, your chances of NOT being a racist are slim. You come from a long line of oppressors, subjugators, and enslavers. There is just no getting around that.

You are now armed with an unbeatable debate tactic. Use it liberally. More importantly, though, examine that list above. Do you fall into any of those categories? If so, please take steps to counteract your inherent racism. Publicly apologize frequently for your privilege and racism. Make generous reparations and make them frequently. For those of you that are Southern, evangelical Christian, Republican, white males: you are without a doubt the absolute worst. How do you sleep at night?




The Best Dad in the World’s Blog

What a week! I’m not one to pat myself on the back or anything, but my parenting game was totally on point this week. Just knocked it out of the park time and time again. It’s weeks like this that make me realize how amazing my parenting skills are and how important I am to the lives of my kids. Frankly, without me, I’m not sure there would be any hope for those little monsters!

I don’t really want to take the time to write down every single thing that happened this week, though, it might be wise to do so in case others want to learn from my sterling example down the road. I’ll limit myself to a few classic examples of what I call “Parenting Par Excellence.”

On Monday, the boys and I were sitting down to watch a TV show while eating our supper. (We like to spend as much time as possible watching television together because it really helps us bond. It is much more productive and beneficial than talking, I know that much at least!) One of my boys, I’ll save him the embarrassment by not naming him, was acting a little bratty. He didn’t want to watch the same show as the rest of us. He even got a little smart-mouthed with me about it. I get it; there is a time and place for being a smart-aleck. Sometimes the situation calls for it. It’s usually not cool to be a smart-aleck to your dad though, so I did what every great father before me has done: I unleashed a torrent of sarcasm and smart-aleckness that broke him down and put him in his place for good. He was all teary-eyed and distant the rest of the day, but that’s actually a good thing because it shows that he learned his lesson. He was well and truly humbled.

Later in the week, on a spectacularly beautiful day, the boys kept begging me to go outside and play with them. They wanted me to throw the football to them or something. I usually don’t mind doing this with them as we usually have a pretty good time. There was one problem: I was in the middle of watching a movie on Netflix and I really didn’t want to have to stop and try to pick it up later. My rule in these situations is pretty simple – kids need to learn that most of the time what they want to do is much less important than what their parents want to do. So much so as to render their wants, needs, and desires irrelevant. It’s good for them to be told “no”, even in situations when there really isn’t a good reason for it. Granted, I had a really good reason this time (movie!), but the rule still applies. They were sad and disappointed but that is good for them in the long run. One of my main jobs as a parent is to teach them about life, and we all know that life is full of disappointments. So, I try to disappoint them as often as I possibly can. It is for their own good.

Well, that’s about all I have time to write today. I could go on and on, but honestly, I would much rather get back to scrolling through Twitter and Facebook. A healthy social engagement is incredibly beneficial in these troubled times. I like to have my finger on the pulse of society. Plus, I need some “me” time today after having spent a week pouring my heart and soul into my kids.

Stay blessed!

 

About the Best Dad in the World:
On December 1, 2016,  Phillip Lytle was honored with the prestigious “Best Dad in the World” award by the preeminent parenting organization – the Consortium Rewarding Amazing Parenting. Each year, the winner receives a plaque, a not-so-modest financial prize, and a platform to share their mastery of parenting. This blog is that platform. We hope you enjoy the wisdom contained herein.  

 




Five Christian Hacks to Prove You are Sold Out to Jesus

You are a Christian. Well, you’ve claimed Christianity for most of your life…Let’s put it this way: You believe in God, you are really grateful that Jesus died for you, and you try to be a good person most of the time. Well, I’m here to help you out in your spiritual journey! Here are five hacks to make sure that everyone around thinks you are fully committed to Jesus.

1. Go to church at least two Sunday mornings every month.
We all know that church attendance is a huge indicator of spiritual maturity. The more you go, the holier you are. Your best option here would be to go every Sunday morning, but that just seems extreme. If you knock out two Sunday mornings[1. Including Sunday school or whatever your church is calling that small group time] each month, you can easily explain away the two Sundays you missed. You were sick. You had to work. You were traveling. The list is endless. Two Sundays show you care about your church. It demonstrates a level of involvement that the average churchgoer does not possess.

2. Give money. Don’t overdo this step, but it’s important for you to give money from time to time. It doesn’t have to be every month, and it definitely doesn’t have to be 10%.[2. Seriously! Who is going to know if you are giving 10% each month? They don’t have access to your bank account.] Yet periodic, public giving will show that you are willing to sacrifice financially for the work of the Lord. Make sure your giving is visible to others, but don’t make a show of it. That is off-putting at best. And be cheerful about it. God blesses cheerful giving!

3. Get involved. I know what you are thinking: “We don’t have time to get involved.” “There is too much happening in our lives for us to spend a lot of time working for the church.” I feel your pain and I’m here for you. It would be impossible and completely unrealistic for you to be involved in any ministry that requires more than occasional participation. Look for the easy stuff. If you are a man, be an usher. Typically, there is a rotation so you won’t be expected to serve in this capacity more than once or twice a month.[3. This works out nicely with your twice a month attendance.] Work with the kids as an assistant to the teacher. Now, I would quickly caution you to commit to this only if you have to serve one month out of the year. If it is more than that, you need to keep looking. You could also serve as a greeter or as a nursery worker. Just be sure to check the time commitment before agreeing to these as well.

4. Speak up. Those times you do show up to Sunday School, be prepared to offer some insight, a prayer request, or a simple observation. This shows everyone in the class that you are engaged, listening, and interested in the lesson. And the prayer request shows you care about spiritual disciplines. Be careful not to talk too much though. Nobody likes a know-it-all.

5. Take advantage of off campus activities. Is your small group having a cookout? Be there. Is your church doing an Easter Egg hunt? Show up. Make these events a priority. The committed churchgoer does not miss these types of things. Hang out with people, have fun, and eat good food. You will look extra spiritual for showing up to a church event and you don’t have to sit through another boring service. It’s a win-win!

There you have it. There is no reason to go to extremes to show people that you are a fully committed follower of Christ. You just need to follow these five simple hacks and even the most skeptical person will be convinced of your sincerity and faith. You might even be convinced…




Five Reasons I Hope Donald Trump Is Our Next President

Is there anything in American society that is more obnoxious, loud, and infuriating than the current state of politics? It all feels so corrupt and useless. When I think of the current presidential race in general, and Donald Trump specifically, I pretty much run the entire emotional gamut: frustration to anger to laughter to sadness. We have a country of over 300 million people. Many of those people are amazing, intelligent, moral, and respectable. Somehow, our system has missed all those people and we are left with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump as our final two options for the next President[1. Sorry Bernie. Not really, but way to give it the “old college try.”] Really? As a nation, we couldn’t do better than that?

So, it might seem like the title of this article is a bit incongruent with the actual content. Very observant of you. I don’t really want Trump to be President. That’s a dumpster fire waiting to happen. Even so, I can think of a few really good reasons I would be okay with Trump being our 45th President.[2. Or maybe they are terrible reasons, but this whole thing has me so confused I don’t know what I am talking about anymore.]

1. We deserve Donald Trump, President of the United States.
Is that too harsh? Too judgy? I don’t really care anymore. As a nation, our values our so screwed up that President Trump not only makes sense, it feels right. Just watch the nightly news if you don’t understand what I am saying. We value money above almost anything. We celebrate success at all costs. We care more about animals than we do human life.[3. Piece of evidence #1.  Piece of evidence #2. Piece of evidence #3.] If there is anyone that can be the face of our national insanity, it’s Donald J. Trump.

2. President Trump would be wildly unpredictable and occasionally hilarious.
The simple truth of the matter is, it takes a pretty big ego to run for president. You have to truly believe you are capable of running the world’s most powerful country. That takes some serious self-confidence.[4. Bill Raftery helps explain things.] And Trump might actually have more confidence in his ability to lead than anyone that has ever even dreamed about being president. President Obama likes to talk about his accomplishments. He likes to remind us of all the great things he has done. President Trump would be like that on steroids. Every action would be HUGE! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! He would yell at reporters.[5. I’m actually kinda okay with this.] Mock foreign dignitaries that questioned him or his actions in any way. Make up stuff on the fly and when called on it, he would say that everyone is just jealous of all his money, success, women, fame, buildings, children, looks, blah, blah, blah…

3. We would have a giant wall just like China. Only ours would be so much bigger and nicer and more luxurious, you wouldn’t believe!
Seriously, we are the most powerful and wealthy nation on the planet and we don’t have a giant wall already? What have we been waiting for? I want a wall I can see from space. I want that wall to be so big, you could land Air Force One on it. A Trump Presidency = The Best Wall of America. So much better than that Great Wall of China.

4. Lots of sanctimonious liberals would leave the country.
I’ve lost track of how many liberal celebrities have threatened to leave the country if Trump is elected president. We can only hope they follow through on their threats. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want them to leave because I dislike them. I enjoy being constantly reminded what a horrible human being I am as much as the next white, conservative male. No, I want them to leave because it’s the honest thing to do. I wouldn’t want them to have to live with that broken promise for the rest of their lives.

5. Christians could start choosing faith over party.
In all seriousness, this is not a judgment of anyone that has voted or will vote for Donald Trump. I understand the reasoning and the logic behind such a vote. Contrary to what some have said, you can be a Christian and vote for Trump.[6. Here is one example of people that have said just that.] What I am suggesting is this: If you are a conservative Christian, if and when Donald Trump says or does something that goes against biblical teaching, side with Scripture. If Trump treats a woman with disrespect, speak out against that. Don’t support it or excuse it because he is a Republican. If a Trump policy violates Christian belief in some way, be prepared to take a stand against that instead of turning away in silence simply because of what political party he represents. To be honest, I’m not holding my breath any of this will happen. Conservative Christians have been too willing to go along with the Republican party for years. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

This November, get out and vote. Though you might need to shower after you do.