Chick-Fil-A Introduces “The Self Loather” Chicken Sandwich for LGBTQ Patrons Who Hate Themselves for Eating CFA

Atlanta, GA– Giant, gay-hating, fast-casual chain, Chick-Fil-A, has just unveiled their newest culinary creation – “The Self Loather.” It is a standard CFA chicken sandwich topped with a slice of Monterey Jack cheese and Carolina Reaper pepper infused garlic aioli. Dan Cathy, CEO and President of the homophobic restaurant describes it this way, “We wanted to have a chicken sandwich for all the LGBTQ people out there that love our food, but feel guilty about eating it. This new sandwich is the best of both worlds. It’s an incredibly delicious sandwich, but due to the extra spicy additions to our traditional, and incredibly bigoted sandwich, it leaves a burn that will remind any LGBTQers that partake of it that their taste buds have placed them firmly on the wrong side of history.”

Chick-Fil-A is also planning on unveiling a second gay-friendly chicken sandwich in the fourth quarter of 2018 they are tentatively calling “The LGBTBBQ.” We will report any updates on that story as they become available.




REO Exclusive! Chipotle Announces Groundbreaking “No cups. No straws. No waste.” Beverage Dispensation Policy

Denver, Colorado: In its continued efforts to combat the rise of Global Warming and environmental devastation, the popular Mexican cuisine restaurant chain, Chipotle, has made dramatic changes to how it serves beverages to its customers. Read the press release here first:

“The science is settled! We have long known how damaging and horrible plastic and Styrofoam cups are to the environment. We now know the terrible toll that plastic straws exact on our oceans and waterways. Chipotle has always been at the forefront of social and environmental improvement, which we have proven with our ahead-of-its-time switch to biodegradable paper cups and our strong support for all disenfranchised communities. We believe our latest initiative is just further proof of how innovative, progressive, and dare we say it, inspiring we are. Starting in the Fall of 2018, we are unveiling our new “Communal Drinking Spout” at all our locations nationwide. Our new policy, “No Cups. No Straws. No Waste” is as follows: As customers get thirsty, we ask that they come to the front counter, tell us what drink they ordered, and we will spray said drink directly into their mouths. “No cups. No straws. No waste.” Just thirst-quenching, environmentally clean deliciousness. We trust that our loyal customers will see the benefits of this new plan and adapt their eating and drinking habits accordingly. We see it as a true win-win scenario for our customers and for Mother Earth.”

 




Schick Introduces Powerful New Razor – “The Nuke”

In the weapons race that is the world of razors and cutting-edge shaving technology, an industry veteran has thrown down the gauntlet. Where other shaving supply companies are satisfied with 5, 6, or even 7 bladed razors, Schick has unveiled their newest creation – “The Nuke*” – a 37 blade razor that will literally destroy every hair follicle it touches.

“When we looked at the market and what our consumers are really wanting, we quickly realized that just upping the ante a little was going to get us nowhere. We had to “drop a bomb”, pun fully intended.”

Director of Product Design, Natalie O’Harra, further explains the process, “We asked ourselves a few fundamental questions. First, ‘What is better than seven blades?” Second, ‘Can we invent a razor that will make shaving a more comprehensive, robust, and effective activity?’ We firmly believe that “The Nuke” is the answer to those questions.

“The Nuke” is armed with 37 stainless steel blades, each sharpened to an edge that is capable of slicing through a shoe. But the secret weapon in “The Nuke’s” arsenal is the nuclear-powered burst of focused heat between each blade that sears the hair follicle to its root, rendering it dead and useless.

“Most men hate shaving” Ms. O’Harra adds, “They hate having to repeat this process over and over. “The Nuke” recognizes that aggravation and it makes it a thing of the past. Once you use “The Nuke” you will never need to shave again. Ever.”

Lofty goals for sure, but Schick is convinced that this is the best path forward for their company. The price tag is high since this is literally the last razor you will ever need to buy with a suggested retail price is $499.00. Is the efficacy and finality of this shave worth it to consumers? We’ll have to wait and see.

*Warning: The Nuke is a one-time use razor. Once you open the package, you have 10 minutes to complete your shave before the heated bursts render the razor a melted lump of char. DO NOT attempt to use it for longer than 10 minutes. DO NOT attempt to use it more than once as it will cause major damage to your skin, your ligaments, your bones, and your soul. Blindness will occur if The Nuke gets too close to your eyes. Avoid contact with any hair that you do not wish to permanently remove. Women should not use The Nuke as it will permanently sterilize anyone with XX chromosomes. Children should avoid all contact with The Nuke as they are weak and prone to bouts of unspeakable foolishness. Weak-willed men should avoid using The Nuke as its singular goal in life is to crush its enemies, see them driven before it, and to hear the lamentations of their women.




BREAKING: Donald Trump Issues Comprehensive Apology

Washington D.C – In an impromptu moment of transparency, one that is without precedent in modern politics, President Trump spoke to the nation last night and issued the following apologies:

“I would like to apologize that my economic initiatives have produced record low unemployment for 14 states, and near record lows for many, many others. Not to mention how many new jobs were created in my first year in office. I feel terrible that so many more people are having to work for a living. I would further like to apologize that my racist policies have created the lowest unemployment rate for the African American and Hispanic communities in the history of our country. My bad. That’s on me folks. Also, it’s totally my fault that the stock market continues to break record after record in gains. If there was something I could do to slow it down to Obummer level numbers, I would. This I can tell you.”

The President continued with off-the-cuff frankness.

“I feel terrible that for the first time in decades, my administration has actually pressured North Korea enough to bring them to the table to discuss denuclearization. Personally, I would love to live in a world where we constantly had to worry about that little guy (Kim Jong Un) having nukes at his disposal, but you can’t have everything you want. Well, I can but I’m super rich. But most people can’t have everything. Because they are not rich like me.”

President Trump closed his address with a few more moments of candor and self-reflection.

“I’m really sorry about the tax cuts. It was a great idea because it would be letting so many people keep more of their money. But the results were not that great. Not that great. Your average middle-class family will only get about $1,000 to $2,000 of benefits from this tax cut. San Fran Nan (Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi) said that these cuts are like crumbs to most people. I am rich so I agree with her on that. Obviously. I was hoping it would be a lot more but people in this country make so little money they couldn’t get a bigger tax break. People just need to do a better job of being rich. It’s not that hard to be rich. Just inherit a lot of money. DONE! You know what I’m saying? Anyways, that’s all I have for today. I can make this promise though – I will continue to do everything I can, as long as it doesn’t interfere with my tweeting and golf, to make America great again. We’re getting there. We are winning right now but we will win even more in the future. Just so much winning we are all going to get tired of it.”




Young Boy Boycotts Company That Makes Boys Cots.

San Francisco – Tristan Moore, 10 years old, has officially announced that he is launching a boycott. His target? Cots and Stuff, a company based out of Johnson City, Tennessee, that makes, among other things, portable sleeping devices. Young Tristan chose this cot making company for his boycott when he heard about the other boycotts happening all over the country.

Says Tristan, “I didn’t know what a boycott was so I asked my parents and they said I’m only 10 years old and shouldn’t be worried about boycotts. I was still confused about boycotts when I remembered that Mrs. Riding (Tristan’s 4th-grade teacher) always tell us to break words down into smaller parts so that is what I did. Boy Cotts. So I looked around on the internet and found a company that made cots for boys. So now I’m boycotting a cot company that makes cots for boys. That made about as much sense as anything else.”

If that makes little sense, you are not alone. We pressed young Tristan for a better explanation on the boycott.

“Um… I don’t know. There was that lady on TV that people were boycotting and then there was all that Starbucks stuff. It seems like people love to boycott stuff. I thought it sounded fun. But I still have no idea what a boycott does. Maybe someone that has boycotted can explain to me what a boycott is supposed to do. As far as I can tell it’s just a funny word that gets a lot of people angry or excited and then it doesn’t really do anything.”

Maybe Tristan understands boycotts better than he realizes.




Millions Watch Porn Star on Sunday Night, Some on 60 Minutes

Continuing an unbroken record that stretches years, millions of Americans sat down Sunday night for around 30 minutes to watch a porn actress.

“I do this once a week usually. Sometimes twice” said one young man who wished to remain anonymous. “I’m sure I’ve seen Stormy Daniels before, but it was weird seeing her with clothes on.”

There have been over 7 billion web searches for pornography since the start of 2015. Also, 1 in 5 mobile searches is for pornographic content.

“Wait, she actually has a life?” another anonymous man commented. “I always thought her entire existence was for my personal exploitive use. I’m really surprised to think of her as, well, another human being.”

24% of smartphone owners admit to having pornographic material on their mobile handset.

Not everyone was happy with the porn star’s fully clothed, non-sexual appearance on 60 minutes.

A third anonymous man remarked, “I am a big fan of Miss Daniels, but I feel like she really sold out Sunday night. It seemed very shameless of her.”

64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women say they watch porn at least once a month.[1. All stats courtesy of Covenant Eyes.]




Man Now Unable to Tell Difference Between Satire and Real News

CHICAGO, IL—Local ESL teacher Gowdy Cannon today confirmed that he no longer can distinguish between satire articles and actual news articles on his Facebook feed.

Cannon, 39 and also an associate pastor of a Bel-Cragin area Baptist church, commented, “Yeah, I give up. I saw a headline the other day about a couple getting married with AR-15s at the service. And I thought, ‘Those rascals at Babylon Bee or The Onion have really outdone themselves this time!’ But turns out, it was true. Then, I saw where Trump had blamed Obama for the stock market plunging one day, complete with a tweet by Trump with phrases like ‘Not good!’ and I thought, ‘Yep, that sounds about right.’  Turns out, it was a Bee article. I have no idea anymore.”

Sources close to Cannon at the website he writes for, Rambling Ever On, have also verified that he has thrown in the towel. “I mean, if Snopes is so clueless they are fact checking Babylon Bee,” commented Phill Lytle, “I am not sure I blame Gowdy for his stance.”

“He had been teetering for a while,” commented Ben Plunkett. “Recently the Bee had an article on how Kamala Harris stopped briefly at a gun violence protest on her way to a pro-abortion rally and Gowdy was like, ‘That’s barely satire! That could totally be real!’ Juxtapose that with how incredulous he was when he found out last July that Trump’s tweeting a video of himself slamming a chair into CNN wasn’t fake and you can see how this thousand mile journey had quite a few steps.”

It is also being reported by Cannon’s wife Kayla that he reluctantly has stopped getting any news from social media for this reason but also so he can focus more time on his March Madness tournaments.

 

 




The New Weight Loss Plan Sweeping the World: The Socialism Diet

Caracas, Venezuela – After years of fine tuning, a paradigm-shattering breakthrough in the weight-loss world appears to have been discovered in Venezuela of all places. While test findings are still in the early stages, researchers behind The Socialism Diet are hopeful. Vincente Montenegro, lead scientist on the project stated, “Based on the data, the efficacy of this diet is overwhelming. I say this with all the hope and excitement I can muster – ‘The Socialism Diet is by far the best system we have ever studied.’ If you follow the plan faithfully, you will lose weight. A lot of weight.”

Señor Montenegro’s boasts are not without support. The average Venezuelan has lost nearly 25 pounds on the new diet in the past 12 months, and there appears to be no sign of the dreaded, rebound weight gain. “When you take away food from dieters, it will inevitably lead to weight loss.” adds Montenegro. “And there is no way to cheat on this diet. There is simply no food with which to cheat. It is foolproof!”

Some critics of the new weight-loss system argue that it leaves dieters hungry and fatigued. “That is to be expected in a plan this robust and aggressive,” adds Montenegro. “Fortunately, since this diet is socialist in philosophy, everyone is on the same level dieting field, as it were. We are all hungry together. It is a beautiful picture of a completely equal society.”

The rest of the world will have to wait to see if this groundbreaking system will make it to them. As of today, it is the one and only component of socialism that seems to thrive no matter where it is implemented.

Hat tip to Amanda Prestigiacomo for her early reporting on this promising new diet.

 

 




Calvinist Constantly Using Romans 9 Argument Stunned to Read Verses 30-33

Local Calvinist Ezekiel Owens, after years of pulling out Romans 9 as his invincible weapon in discussions with Arminians, was taken aback today to read the last few verses of the chapter, according to sources.

“Yeah, for years he would get in lengthy discussions about what ‘all’ means in the Bible, but he always knew that if they got bogged down in details that he had a theological bazooka in his hip pocket,” confirmed his neighbor and aunt, Alice. “He was always going on about ‘God has mercy on whom he desires and hardens whom he desires. Who are you to question how or why God saves people?’ Bam! Gun to a knife fight. Now that he’s read Paul clarify by saying God has mercy and hardens based on whoever puts their faith in him, he seems lost. There’s even talk of him looking on Amazon for Arminius’ three-volume work. It’s that serious.”

Ezekiel’s old college roommate and unabashed Arminian, Joel, added, “I’ve been trying for years to use Romans 10:9 and the obvious choice of ‘if you confess’ to convince him of free will in salvation, but apparently he could not be convinced from chapter 10. Had to be 9.”

There have also been rumors of Ezekiel shaving his beard, but as of this writing those rumors are unconfirmed.

 

 




BREAKING: New App Unveiled To Eradicate Devil Music

A powerhouse consortium including Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and Bob Jones University, has unveiled a new app to combat the proliferation of worldly music. The app, “Sacred Fire” ingeniously updates the well-loved tradition of youth groups burning their secular music for a modern, digital age.

“It has become clear, to those of us with eyes to see, that our society is racing to Hell in record time.” Robertson said at the recent unveiling. “We looked for possible causes and the answer was so obvious we were surprised we had not realized it sooner. Once music went digital, with iTunes and the like, churches lost the ability to hold good, old-fashioned CD burnings. We knew that something had to be done. So we got together and we created “Sacred Fire.”

According to the press release for “Sacred Fire”, when launched, the app appears as a large bonfire on your device’s screen. From there, you simply drag and drop the offending songs or albums into the fire and they are removed from your music library forever.

Robertson continued, “We wanted to make sure the process was simple but also with a tactile sense of achievement. Back in the day, when you threw a record, cassette tape, or a CD into the fire, you would see it melt and crack and you could hear it pop. We knew we needed to re-create that as much as possible. Instead of sound effects like crackling and popping, we have added words of encouragement taken directly from the pages of the Bible.”

A few examples were given by Robertson during the announcement for these words of encouragement. “For instance, if you were to drop a song like Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on a Prayer’ you would get the basic, ‘Praise the Lord!’ response, since that song is only moderately offensive.” Robertson added. “A song like Beyoncé’s ‘Sorry’ would get a stronger response, possibly ‘Well done good and faithful servant.’”

For the most evil and demonic songs, “Sacred Fire” includes the ultimate response to give the user the strongest sense of accomplishment and righteousness. “There are certain songs and artists that are so far beyond the pale that we just had to acknowledge that and reward those holy young believers in their spiritual walk. When you toss a song like Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” or Hozier’s ‘Take Me to Church” into the fire, the screen will go black and you will hear weeping and gnashing of teeth. That is extremely satisfying. We believe it is important to communicate how truly evil certain music is. AC/DC’s entire catalog gets that response.”

The app will be available for download on both IOS and Android devices in the spring of 2018.