An Open Letter from Maude, the Farting Cow

Hi, Maude here.

It’s come to my attention that a few Democrats recently introduced a new bill called “The Green New Deal.” It’s full of all sorts of wonderful ideas, including retrofitting or rebuilding every building in the United States to meet with new energy standards. That doesn’t sound too difficult to pull off. I mean, it’s not like there are 100s of millions of buildings in the US…

Most of the stuff doesn’t affect my life at all. I am a cow. I have simple needs. Grass. Water. Some room to roam. You know. The usual. If I say so myself, I don’t really ask a lot from the world around me. Me, and others like me, are simple creatures. So, you will share in my shock and horror that this new bill specifically targets me and my, how to put this delicately, flatulence. This bill wants to eradicate, and I quote, “farting cows.”

Excuse me! I will have you know that I suffer from a very common malady among my kind. I have a touch of irritable bowel syndrome. It’s no laughing matter by the way. It can be a bit embarrassing from time to time, but the other cows understand exactly what I am dealing with, as so many others have this or similar gastrointestinal issues. It’s not like we sit around and try to see who can pass the most gas every day. (Well, Henrietta does that but no one likes her and she is giving us all a bad name.) Sometimes, you just have to let one fly. Is that so wrong? Is this where we are as a society that we are going to not only shame cows that are passing gas but plan to get rid of them? That’s a nice way of saying we are going to exterminate all gassy cows. I won’t stand for it. (Well, I’ll stand because lying down is really hard for a cow, but you know what I mean.)

So, this letter is for Ms. Ocasio-Cortez (or Ms. Ocasio-Cowhater as I am going to call her from now on) and her friends that helped write this new bill calling for my death. We reject it out of hand! We will have nothing to do with this blatant and offensive bovine shaming. We ask that everyone else, cow or human or any other creature that struggles with a rumbly tummy, stand with us! Say no to the “Green New Deal” and its ridiculous attempt to get rid of cows. Mooove over, sister and let the adults handle things from now on!




Government Representative (Fill in the blank) Says/Does (Fill in the blank) and the Nation Recoils

In a stunning, shocking, and outrageous display, Generic Government Representative’s recent remarks and/or actions have sparked a national outcry. We went to the streets to ask average Americans their thoughts:

REO Reporter: “Did you hear about the recent controversial remarks by your Government Representative?”

Average American: “No, what did they say?”

REO Reporter: “It was awful. They said horribly degrading things about immigrants and/or law enforcement officials.”

Average American: “Wow! That is awful. There is no place for that type of hate-filled rhetoric in our country. Remind me, is this government representative in my political party or are they on the other side?”

REO Reporter: “They are on the other side.”

Average American: “That’s what I thought. They are just a bunch of racist, fascists, bigots over there. Just the…”

REO Reporter: “My bad! I got that wrong. They are on your side. Very much on your side.”

Average American: “Yeah, yeah… What I was trying to say is that if you look at the context of what they were saying, it makes sense. They weren’t speaking specifically about any group. We just need to do a better job of really listening to each other and not attacking. We need to dialogue, you know? Really look at all the facts…”

REO Reporter: “Woops! Boy, is my face red now! I got that wrong again. They are totally NOT on your side. Yep, very much on the other side politically.”

Average American: “I knew it! They are evil, evil people. Just the worst people that have ever lived! They don’t deserve to live in this country. They just want to destroy everything this country stands for. They are worse than if Hitler and Satan had a baby! I HATE THEM AND ALL THEY STAND FOR!!!”

REO Reporter: “Thanks for your time.”




Visionary! Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Nominates Hank Pym, Tony Stark, and Shuri To Science and Energy Board.

Washington, D.C. – On the steps of The U.S. Capital Building, surrounded by supporters and members of the press, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, newly elected Congresswoman and rising star in the Democrat Party, officially offered three names to head the newly created “Climate Change and Renewable Energy Board.” Based on the three people she submitted, she is not afraid to think out of the box. “We have to get off fossil fuels and we have to do it soon. Our planet is dying and the time to start is now. I looked around and these people are the most qualified to lead us into a bright and clean future. I mean seriously, who is smarter than these three? As we all saw in Ant Man, Hank Pym invented the “Pym Particle” for crying out loud! And everyone knows all the great stuff Tony Stark has done – The Arc Reactor and he even helped create a new element! How awesome is that!?! We just need him to give up that whole warmongering, Iron Man stuff. And what can I say about Shuri other than she is a fierce, independent, minority woman who just so happens to be the world’s expert on working with Vibranium. Plus, getting her would allow us to open more channels for trade and information exchange with the thriving nation of Wakanda and it’s wonderful ruler, her brother T’Challa, or Black Panther as most people know him. It’s definitely a win-win.”

Representative Ocasio-Cortez’s office has reached out to Pym, Stark, and Shuri but has received no response from them or their representatives at this time. “We’ll get in touch with them soon. I’m sure they understand how important it is for us to fix this massive environmental mess Big Oil and their Republican cronies have created. They’ll want to be on the right side of history and that side is fighting for renewable energy and a clean environmental future.”

When a reporter from Fox News pointed out that all three of these “people” are fictional characters in recent Marvel films, Ocasio-Cortez simply danced around the steps and said, “This is not the time to get hung up on specifics and ‘facts.’ We have been called to do the impossible so that is exactly what we will do.” The crowd full of her constituents, supporters, and press exploded in cheers and joined in the dance.

It is clear that we are in very good hands indeed.




Report: Millennials Offended by Behavior of TV Characters Who Ended Up In Jail

NEW YORK CITY—According to at least one internet blog post, which in America is considered sufficient evidence to drive a narrative and spark widespread outrage, U.S. millennials are now offended by hijinks of the four main characters from TV’s Seinfeld, a sitcom of mammoth popularity back in the 1900s.

The obscure web site—which allegedly has used the term “grammar nazi” in articles on occasion—-also stated that show’s uber-famous episode involving a Manhattan soup stand proprietor known as the “Soup Nazi” was just one of 13 reasons why the show is now problematic.

“The behavior of those people was rancid and in 2019 to more enlightened ears, a grown man pushing others out of the way to be the first out of a burning building and then rationalizing why he was so selfish just isn’t funny,” the writer concluded. “The passive racism, the cheapness in buying toxic envelopes, the shameless judgment towards a potential pig man, and the utter disregard for everything that is good and decent in society…I’m totally offended that 20 years ago such actions were exalted. Those were despicable characters. They probably should have ended up in jail.”

Show creators Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David could not be reached for comment, as both are spending copious amounts of time these days not caring at all about what humor modern Americans find offensive.




BREAKING: Christian Music Fans Can Earn a Masters of Theology by Listening to Their Favorite Radio Station

Nashville, TN – Bolstered by the unprecedented success of The Most Enormous Small Group in the World, WayLOVE (99.3 FM) is ready to introduce their latest spiritual growth innovation: The World’s first Christian Radio Masters of Theology*. “We are very excited about our new program,” said WayLOVE’s director of programming, Edward Barry. “Seekers and life-long learners will find that our program is incredibly comprehensive, robust, yet flexible enough for their busy schedules.”

How does this new Degree program work? Easy. You simply listen to your favorite Christian Radio station as often as possible and the music, the spiritual nourishment, and the unquestioned profundity of biblical truth will do the rest. “We knew we struck gold when we landed on this idea. Our music is many things: It is positive. It is encouraging. It is safe. Yet most importantly, it is also full of rich spiritual instruction and wisdom. What better way to study Soteriology than hearing Jeremy Camp’s monumental theological examination, “Jesus Saves?” Or how great is it to learn about the doctrine of Hamartiology by listening to “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams?”

WayLOVE’s listeners could not be more excited. Becky Culpepper is working on her third Master’s degree through the station even though the program has only been active for two weeks. “I am so totally thrilled about this, ya’ll! Not only do I get to listen to my favorite songs, which are 100% safe for my kids to listen to as well, I can get my education on while listening to Jamie Grace sing about ‘getting her worship on!’ It’s a win-win!” Scott Maroon, who is currently working on his dissertation, adds, “I had no idea that I could learn so much about the Incarnation or the Hypostatic union or even a little bit about Pneumatology by listening to what I thought were the pretty hackneyed lyrics of “You’re Not Alone” by Owl City and Britt Nicole. Evidently, you can, though. So that’s cool.”

If this new program is well received, WayLOVE hopes to roll out their Doctoral Program* in the fall of 2019.

*Neither program is accredited in any way, shape, or form.




BREAKING: “There is None Righteous, No. Not One.” Not Even Oscar Hosts

Hollywood, CA – Due to a newfound belief in the total depravity of man, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences officially announces major changes to the Oscar ceremonies going forward.

First, there will be no hosts anymore. Academy spokesperson, Michael Williamson said, “Obviously, there is no human being on the planet that hasn’t said or done something offensive to someone else. Anyone we choose as the next host will have their entire life examined and any mean-spirited joke, any bigoted opinion, or any sexist comment will get scrutinized. We cannot afford to be associated with those sorts of things so we are getting rid of the middle man…or person.”

Additionally, there will be no demand for the latest fashions, because all the celebrities are planning to dress in sackcloth and ashes in a very public sign of solidarity with the Academy. Williamson adds, “These celebrities understand the times we live in. They know that at the very least, they need to look like they care a whole lot. And nothing says seriousness and sadness like sackcloth. There will be no red carpet either as we do not want to offend anyone that is colorblind.” 

In lieu of the iconic statue, honorees will be awarded a golden whip for an evening of self-flagellation. No “thank you” speeches will be delivered. Instead, award winners will deliver five minute public apologies for all the offensive words they have ever spoken or written. If the apology is deemed sincere enough, they will be allowed to keep their Golden Whip. If the apology seems forced or insincere, the audience will be allowed to publicly beat them with the Golden Whip until their sins have been fully paid for. Williamson concludes, “Either way, they are apologizing and getting whipped. It’s a win-win.”

A small yet vocal minority, lead by Christopher Walken, is not happy with the changes. They are arguing that the ceremony “needs more cowbell.” The Academy had no comment.




Trump Shocked that Everyone at Rally Knew the Sick Woman’s Name was Grace

Cape Girardeau, Missouri – At a massive rally in the riverfront town, a Trump supporter suddenly fell ill and required medical attention. The other rally goers spontaneously erupted into a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Donald Trump was astounded. “I have no idea how so many people knew that her name was Grace, or how they had a song ready for her. It was amazing. Amazing. But this is the sort of thing that happens when you are winning. Winners just know what to do.”

As to how the lady is doing after her health scare, Trump added, “She is doing fantastic. Just fantastic. I don’t like to brag but we have the best medical team in the world at our rallies. Just tremendous. She wouldn’t get better care at any hospital in the country, this I can promise you. Grace is doing fine and I think people singing to her had a lot to do with it. As the song said, she’s amazing. She really is.”

 

 




Media With Horrible Track Record of Prediction Now 100% Confident That God Does Not Exist

In one of the biggest news stories of the week, the same mass media sources that predicted a landslide Democratic win in the 2016 election are assuring the public that God is, in fact, not real.

“We’re really sure about this one” said one reporter for the New York Times, whose car was decked out with “Hillary 2016” and “I’m With Her” bumper stickers. “There’s just no way Stephen Hawking, or we for that matter, could be wrong.”

“Now that we can rest in the knowledge that an Absolute Moral Being does not exist, we can finally focus our attention to fighting for subjective moral issues that we are absolutely, 100% certain are the right thing to fight for,” said another reporter from the Washington Post, who was at the time checking Twitter to make sure she was still on the right side of history.

“Also, we are very much looking forward to huge Democratic gains in November, along with Elizabeth Warren’s successful bid for President in 2020” she continued. “After all, ignorant, bitter, religion-clinging deplorables can only keep focused on complicated political issues for so long.”

Early reports are also coming in that if God’s existence is later proven to be true, Russia is the most likely culprit.




Gollum Cries Discrimination After Being Portrayed by “Nasty” Human Actor in “The Lord of the Rings” Films

Hollywood, CA, The Fourth Age – Reclusive and antisocial fantasy creature, Gollum, or Sméagol as he was once known, has finally broken his silence about his life being put on screen in The Lord of the Rings films. “It’s not fair! Not fair at all, precious! They don’t ask us if we wants to be famous! They don’t ask us if we wants to be known! They lie and cheat and steal, the nasty mens! Gollum! Gollum!”

When pressed to reveal his biggest problem with his story finally being told on the silver screen, he wailed, “Nasty, dirty, actor! Andy Serkisis! He jumps and screams and cries, yes he does precious. Sméagol sees what he does. Sméagol knows. He lies, yes, yes! He lies. He pretends to be Sméagol but he isn’t Sméagol. No, he isn’t Sméagol. He’s false, precious. A wicked, nasty, cheat. It’s not his business to be Sméagol. Not his business! Sneaky little Serkisis. We hates him forever!”

While it is unclear if he realizes that Andy Serkis did not physically portray him on screen, as his character was created through a complex digital filmmaking technique called “Motion Capture”, Gollum/Sméagol did seem to understand that some special effects wizardry was at play. “Cruel, cruel mens and their nasty computers! They tricks everyone, they did! Sméagol did not do it. No, no! Sméagol did not do it. Mens and their filthy zeroeses and oneses did it! Yes, they did precious! Yes, they did. Curse them!”

Representatives for the poor wretch have filed a lawsuit against actor Andy Serkis and New Line Cinema, citing digital appropriation and “humanwashing” of the character. At this time, neither Serkis, his representatives, or New Line Cinema have responded to these accusations.

 

*Image courtesy of Warner Bros/New Line Cinema as Gollum refused to be photographed for this article.




The Advent of the All-Inclusive Events Law

July, 2070 – In August 2020 Congress passed the All-Inclusive Events Law which stated that all private and public events were required to have at least one event attendee representative of every race in the U.S., including American Indian, Asian, African American, Caucasian; a member of every sexual orientation represented by LGBTQ; and a practicing member of a major U.S. religions, including a Christian, Judaist, Muslim, Buddhist, Hinduist, and atheist in attendance (with the inclusion of a heterosexual member optional).

On the 27th of the same month, the brothers John and Steve Earnest became the first arrested offenders of the law. Upon raiding their shared apartment, the investigating FBI agents discovered a Bachelor Party put on for the soon to be wed family friend, Thoreau Heew. Two other friends also in attendance included Bubba Jones and Alfred Lady.

The arresting agents found the event to be shockingly white-washed with solely heterosexual males present and none of the required 15 to 16 attendants. They then informed the Earnest brothers (as the ringleaders of the crime) that they would be placed under immediate arrest for failing to maintain the melting pot idealism envisioned by the law. Heew, a law student, came to the defense of the brothers, stating that in this case, the law allowed for the waiver of the required members in the event the size of the space only allowed for a smaller number of guests. In such cases, the law stipulated that only that number be in attendance. He went on to state that while the brother’s three guests were all heterosexual males, they all fulfilled a different demographic: lispers, the morbidly obese, and men who identified as Wonder Woman when they were 5-years old.

Nevertheless, since those three demographics were not on the list of accepted demographics, the agents confiscated the white cake and moved to detain the brothers. John Earnest’s heinous evasion of the law ended when he suddenly stated that he was sorry that the cake was white but that he didn’t like chocolate cake. The agents immediately downed the perpetrator in a hail of bullets. Bubba Jones later confessed to being the creator and mastermind behind the entirely white cake. He escaped immediate execution only after stating in writing that he was fully willing to consume deserts in any shape, form, size and color.

In court, Steve Earnest, the remaining alleged perpetrator, confessed to engineering the whole scheme with his brother. The judge sentenced him to a 10-year suspended sentence during which he would personally apologize to everyone and animal he had ever offended. After a year, having failed to consistently send in a daily 5-page report on his progress, the judge sentenced him to a 50-year prison term.

In the many ensuing years, Heew became a senator, being instrumental in adding a rock, dog, cat, and a stereotype to the required attendees list under the All-Inclusive Event Law; Jones lost 360 pounds; and Lady helped form the Justice League.