Schick Introduces Powerful New Razor – “The Nuke”
In the weapons race that is the world of razors and cutting-edge shaving technology, an industry veteran has thrown down the gauntlet. Where other shaving supply companies are satisfied with 5, 6, or even 7 bladed razors, Schick has unveiled their newest creation – “The Nuke*” – a 37 blade razor that will literally destroy every hair follicle it touches.
“When we looked at the market and what our consumers are really wanting, we quickly realized that just upping the ante a little was going to get us nowhere. We had to “drop a bomb”, pun fully intended.”
Director of Product Design, Natalie O’Harra, further explains the process, “We asked ourselves a few fundamental questions. First, ‘What is better than seven blades?” Second, ‘Can we invent a razor that will make shaving a more comprehensive, robust, and effective activity?’ We firmly believe that “The Nuke” is the answer to those questions.
“The Nuke” is armed with 37 stainless steel blades, each sharpened to an edge that is capable of slicing through a shoe. But the secret weapon in “The Nuke’s” arsenal is the nuclear-powered burst of focused heat between each blade that sears the hair follicle to its root, rendering it dead and useless.
“Most men hate shaving” Ms. O’Harra adds, “They hate having to repeat this process over and over. “The Nuke” recognizes that aggravation and it makes it a thing of the past. Once you use “The Nuke” you will never need to shave again. Ever.”
Lofty goals for sure, but Schick is convinced that this is the best path forward for their company. The price tag is high since this is literally the last razor you will ever need to buy with a suggested retail price is $499.00. Is the efficacy and finality of this shave worth it to consumers? We’ll have to wait and see.
*Warning: The Nuke is a one-time use razor. Once you open the package, you have 10 minutes to complete your shave before the heated bursts render the razor a melted lump of char. DO NOT attempt to use it for longer than 10 minutes. DO NOT attempt to use it more than once as it will cause major damage to your skin, your ligaments, your bones, and your soul. Blindness will occur if The Nuke gets too close to your eyes. Avoid contact with any hair that you do not wish to permanently remove. Women should not use The Nuke as it will permanently sterilize anyone with XX chromosomes. Children should avoid all contact with The Nuke as they are weak and prone to bouts of unspeakable foolishness. Weak-willed men should avoid using The Nuke as its singular goal in life is to crush its enemies, see them driven before it, and to hear the lamentations of their women.
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This is great. Any one who has shaved with a straight razor and any person who has seen the commercials where they had a greater amount of blades every few years should appreciate this.
I could have used this razor back in my youth when I had to shave twice a day, especially if I was going to preach that night! You sure got my attention, Phill!
It would have been very useful for someone like you.
After reading this advertisement, I long to feel the soft caress of nuclear fission across my face.
“Soft caress” is probably not the best description for how it feels to use “The Nuke.” Words like “searing pain” and “vomit inducing agony” come to mind. No pain, no gain, am I right? Still, it’s worth it because the hair is gone and shaving is a thing of the past.
I heard “The Nuke” was first theorized and worked on by Marie Curie for one of her sons. Tragically, she died from radiation exposure during experimentation. It only took another 84 years to be fully developed.