BREAKING: “There is None Righteous, No. Not One.” Not Even Oscar Hosts

Hollywood, CA – Due to a newfound belief in the total depravity of man, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences officially announces major changes to the Oscar ceremonies going forward.

First, there will be no hosts anymore. Academy spokesperson, Michael Williamson said, “Obviously, there is no human being on the planet that hasn’t said or done something offensive to someone else. Anyone we choose as the next host will have their entire life examined and any mean-spirited joke, any bigoted opinion, or any sexist comment will get scrutinized. We cannot afford to be associated with those sorts of things so we are getting rid of the middle man…or person.”

Additionally, there will be no demand for the latest fashions, because all the celebrities are planning to dress in sackcloth and ashes in a very public sign of solidarity with the Academy. Williamson adds, “These celebrities understand the times we live in. They know that at the very least, they need to look like they care a whole lot. And nothing says seriousness and sadness like sackcloth. There will be no red carpet either as we do not want to offend anyone that is colorblind.” 

In lieu of the iconic statue, honorees will be awarded a golden whip for an evening of self-flagellation. No “thank you” speeches will be delivered. Instead, award winners will deliver five minute public apologies for all the offensive words they have ever spoken or written. If the apology is deemed sincere enough, they will be allowed to keep their Golden Whip. If the apology seems forced or insincere, the audience will be allowed to publicly beat them with the Golden Whip until their sins have been fully paid for. Williamson concludes, “Either way, they are apologizing and getting whipped. It’s a win-win.”

A small yet vocal minority, lead by Christopher Walken, is not happy with the changes. They are arguing that the ceremony “needs more cowbell.” The Academy had no comment.