There are very few unprotected classes any more in our society. Our culture has deemed certain words and phrases offensive because they could be viewed as demeaning to specific groups. It is no longer okay to make fun of people with mental disabilities or to use terms that describe them as insults or pejoratives. (Not that it was ever okay, but many still did.) It is no longer okay to mock or belittle people of small stature, people that are different in any way, or anyone really. We call it shaming and it is not cool to participate in any kind of shaming. Unless you are making fun of bald people. If you find yourself unable to grow hair as you did when you were young, you are fair game for mockery. Movies and television shows will usually make the bald guy evil, creepy, or dumb. Of course, there are a few exceptions and I will deal with them below, but as a whole, our mainstream pop culture does not value baldness in any way. It is seen as ugly, sad, and a prime target for shaming. Frankly, as a bald man, I’ve had enough. I’m here to tell you that there is nothing wrong with being bald. In fact, there are many great things about being bald. In the interest of brevity, here are just five of those reasons.
1. It saves you time.
My baldness has allowed me to save an estimated 2 minutes every time I shower. I shower daily, which means I save 14 minutes a week, 56 minutes a month, 672 minutes a year, and 26,880 minutes over the course of 40 years of balditude. That adds up to 448 extra hours to do anything I want to do. So for all you people with heads full of hair, enjoy having nearly 20 less days while those of us with no hair get to do whatever our hearts desire.
This doesn’t even factor in the time it takes to comb, style, and fix your hair every day just to look presentable. Do you know what I do to my hair to look presentable when I leave the house? Nothing. Because I don’t have any hair.
2. It saves you money.
Do you pay to have your hair cut? I don’t. I win.
Do you have to use “product” in your hair to keep it manageable and looking good? I don’t. I win.
I don’t know how much you pay for those things, but after a lifetime’s worth of haircuts and product, I’m guessing the money you spent could have instead been used to retire early. Enjoy working until you are 80 hair people!
3. It will keep you from a horrible death.
Absalom, the son of King David, was handsome and loved by women all over the nation. He was best known for his beautiful, flowing tresses. His hair was his pride and joy. Not surprisingly, his hair would prove to be the cause of his premature death. He took too much pride in his hair. Bald people don’t have that problem. We have no pride in our hair because we have no hair. That creates in us an unmatched level of humility. I promise you one thing, you would have never seen someone like Elisha die the way Absalom did. Speaking of Elisha…
4. God loves bald people and you might die if you make fun of them.
Did your Sunday School class ever study the passage in 2 Kings 2 when some “youths” made fun of the prophet Elisha by calling him “baldy?” Maybe your teacher decided to skip that one. Well, they did make fun of him. They made fun of his lack of hair. And you know what happened? Elisha called the wrath of God down on those juvenile delinquents and two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of them. Moral of the story: Don’t make fun of bald people or you might be mauled by a bear. (That’s not really the moral of the story, but it works for this article so I am running with it. If you have a problem with that, I have a couple of bears you need to meet.)
5. Look at all these awesome bald people!
I don’t want to be too specific here, but I feel it is my duty to point out all the amazing bald people to prove, once and for all, that being bald is not only beautiful, but it actually makes you a better person. We will start in the world of sports:
Best basketball player of all time: Michael Jordan.
Best homerun hitter of all time: Barry Bonds.
Best wide receiver of all time and considered by many to be the best football player of all time: Jerry Rice.
What about the world of entertainment? Aren’t bald people overlooked or worse, ridiculed in Hollywood? Yes, many are, but there are a few that have overcome the stigma and proven that baldness should be synonymous with awesomeness.
Bruce Willis – his career didn’t really take off until he admitted he was bald and started shaving his head.
Sir Ben Kingsley. He is a knight for crying out loud!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Look at the handsome man! Oh yeah, he’s a knight as well.
Vin Diesel. Okay. That’s a bit of a stretch. But he was good in Saving Private Ryan.
And last but not least, the Sexiest Man Alive: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Need I say more?
I rest my case. If you are going bald, do not fear it. Embrace it. Please don’t try to pretend that you are not balding by strategically arranging your remaining hair in a effort to hide your baldness. You aren’t fooling anyone. If you are bald, bask in the glory of it all. Know that you will have more time, more money, more humility, safety from bears and tree limbs, and a direct connection with some of the most attractive and successful actors and athletes of all time. Bald is indeed best.