First Zombie Candidate Makes Vast Improvement on U.S. Political Landscape

Beginning in the first decade of this century, U.S. politics began to reach the bottom of the proverbial barrel as far as presidential candidates were concerned. And this made many very sad. After Justin Bieber’s term in office (2032-2036), there was no more down to go. Yet in the fullness of time, a brilliant idea emerged. Ten-year-old gamer Bobby Brown said that his dad told him dead people had long been used to bolster votes. Bobby postulated that the undead “should run them government things.”

Up until then the U.S. Constitution stipulated that a presidential candidate be a natural born citizen of the United States, a resident for 14 years, and 35 years or older. In 2036 the first stipulation was changed to “must be a living or undead sentient being currently existing in the United States.”

Earlier this year, Z. Xander, mayor of Romero, California, the village of the undead, will make history by becoming the first zombie to ever run for the nation’s highest office. His campaign team so far includes a non-partisan dragon slayer, a wise old owl, and a really nice pet rock with a genetically manufactured brain. At a recent political rally, Xander simply stated, “Ahgggg!” and “grrr” to wild applause by the gathered crowd. His future main opponent, Bill Bligh, strongly disagreed. Bligh is now deceased.

Directly following the announcement, political commentator and internationally revered constitutional expert, Dwight Billingsley, said that in his considered opinion Xander is “by far the best candidate to run for any U.S. political office in decades.”

At this time Xander has yet to select a running mate. In serious consideration is his great-great-grandfather Jacobus Xander, a war hero famous as the last casualty of the Civil War in 1865.

Political experts the world over agree that the potential of the 2044 lineup for the U.S. presidential elections is staggering. Senator Orrin Hatch has finally put his name in the ring as well. (No word on whether Hatch is running as a living person or as one of the undead as it has long been unclear with which group he identifies) and Hillary Clinton has announced that she is running for President for the 9th consecutive time. (Hillary is very much alive, confounding all reason and scientific knowledge.) Billingsley states that ” few current voters under 50 will have ever voted on a candidate lineup this good.”

 




Trump Shocked that Everyone at Rally Knew the Sick Woman’s Name was Grace

Cape Girardeau, Missouri – At a massive rally in the riverfront town, a Trump supporter suddenly fell ill and required medical attention. The other rally goers spontaneously erupted into a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Donald Trump was astounded. “I have no idea how so many people knew that her name was Grace, or how they had a song ready for her. It was amazing. Amazing. But this is the sort of thing that happens when you are winning. Winners just know what to do.”

As to how the lady is doing after her health scare, Trump added, “She is doing fantastic. Just fantastic. I don’t like to brag but we have the best medical team in the world at our rallies. Just tremendous. She wouldn’t get better care at any hospital in the country, this I can promise you. Grace is doing fine and I think people singing to her had a lot to do with it. As the song said, she’s amazing. She really is.”

 

 




Media With Horrible Track Record of Prediction Now 100% Confident That God Does Not Exist

In one of the biggest news stories of the week, the same mass media sources that predicted a landslide Democratic win in the 2016 election are assuring the public that God is, in fact, not real.

“We’re really sure about this one” said one reporter for the New York Times, whose car was decked out with “Hillary 2016” and “I’m With Her” bumper stickers. “There’s just no way Stephen Hawking, or we for that matter, could be wrong.”

“Now that we can rest in the knowledge that an Absolute Moral Being does not exist, we can finally focus our attention to fighting for subjective moral issues that we are absolutely, 100% certain are the right thing to fight for,” said another reporter from the Washington Post, who was at the time checking Twitter to make sure she was still on the right side of history.

“Also, we are very much looking forward to huge Democratic gains in November, along with Elizabeth Warren’s successful bid for President in 2020” she continued. “After all, ignorant, bitter, religion-clinging deplorables can only keep focused on complicated political issues for so long.”

Early reports are also coming in that if God’s existence is later proven to be true, Russia is the most likely culprit.




Gollum Cries Discrimination After Being Portrayed by “Nasty” Human Actor in “The Lord of the Rings” Films

Hollywood, CA, The Fourth Age – Reclusive and antisocial fantasy creature, Gollum, or Sméagol as he was once known, has finally broken his silence about his life being put on screen in The Lord of the Rings films. “It’s not fair! Not fair at all, precious! They don’t ask us if we wants to be famous! They don’t ask us if we wants to be known! They lie and cheat and steal, the nasty mens! Gollum! Gollum!”

When pressed to reveal his biggest problem with his story finally being told on the silver screen, he wailed, “Nasty, dirty, actor! Andy Serkisis! He jumps and screams and cries, yes he does precious. Sméagol sees what he does. Sméagol knows. He lies, yes, yes! He lies. He pretends to be Sméagol but he isn’t Sméagol. No, he isn’t Sméagol. He’s false, precious. A wicked, nasty, cheat. It’s not his business to be Sméagol. Not his business! Sneaky little Serkisis. We hates him forever!”

While it is unclear if he realizes that Andy Serkis did not physically portray him on screen, as his character was created through a complex digital filmmaking technique called “Motion Capture”, Gollum/Sméagol did seem to understand that some special effects wizardry was at play. “Cruel, cruel mens and their nasty computers! They tricks everyone, they did! Sméagol did not do it. No, no! Sméagol did not do it. Mens and their filthy zeroeses and oneses did it! Yes, they did precious! Yes, they did. Curse them!”

Representatives for the poor wretch have filed a lawsuit against actor Andy Serkis and New Line Cinema, citing digital appropriation and “humanwashing” of the character. At this time, neither Serkis, his representatives, or New Line Cinema have responded to these accusations.

 

*Image courtesy of Warner Bros/New Line Cinema as Gollum refused to be photographed for this article.




The Man Card

Real men are becoming an endangered species. We live in a culture that is replacing men with namby-pamby, wishy-washy, touchy-feely losers. This is not good. It is not right. All the best things about our world can be traced back to an awesome man doing awesome and manly things. A man who was a MAN and not some wussified and worthless replacement.

Fear not, REO is here to fix this problem by developing our very own “Man Card.” Frankly, the “man cards” we have seen online are spineless things – only worthy of ridicule. Our “Man Card” gets right to the heart of the matter. Heed these words of wisdom and you will become a real man. A man deserving of accolades, riches, and women. Ignore these words of wisdom and you will spend the rest of your pitiful days engaged in activities unbecoming to any red-blooded male. Things like emotional availability, respect for women, and anything remotely associated with art appreciation. …Shudder…

We proudly present, The REO approved, Man Card!

 

 

 




The Patriarchy Wins! Women Convinced That Showing Off Their Breasts in Public is Peak Feminism

San Francisco, CA – In what has been called, “the greatest deception of the modern age,” a clandestine group of men that call themselves “The Patriarchy” has finally seen the fruit of their many years of labor. Since 1962, these men have worked tirelessly behind the scenes to indoctrinate, undermine, and rewire the female brain. In the name of “equality,” “justice,” and “feminism,” these movers and shakers have convinced a good portion of the female gender that exposing their breasts in public is not only good but is, in fact, the truest expression of female power.

“We never thought we could actually convince these dames that showing off their breasts was a good thing, but we figured it was worth a try,” said one of the chief architects of this grand scheme, on the condition of anonymity. He continued, “What really gets me is that these gals have decided that walking around without tops makes them equal with men, even though the only men you ever see walking around like that are bums or wackos. It used to take a lot of hard work to see the goods. Now, they are just popping them out for us because “equality” or something. It’s amazing!”

What is next on the agenda for these forward-thinking men? “I don’t want to say too much, but if things go the way we plan, we will soon convince these broads that the only thing men are good at is playing golf and watching sports…so the girls are going to do all the work and provide all the money in the name of equality and fairness. Men are going to be put on permanent “man-leave” because we are too lazy, too dumb, and too offensive to do anything else.”

Bold plans indeed.




The Advent of the All-Inclusive Events Law

July, 2070 – In August 2020 Congress passed the All-Inclusive Events Law which stated that all private and public events were required to have at least one event attendee representative of every race in the U.S., including American Indian, Asian, African American, Caucasian; a member of every sexual orientation represented by LGBTQ; and a practicing member of a major U.S. religions, including a Christian, Judaist, Muslim, Buddhist, Hinduist, and atheist in attendance (with the inclusion of a heterosexual member optional).

On the 27th of the same month, the brothers John and Steve Earnest became the first arrested offenders of the law. Upon raiding their shared apartment, the investigating FBI agents discovered a Bachelor Party put on for the soon to be wed family friend, Thoreau Heew. Two other friends also in attendance included Bubba Jones and Alfred Lady.

The arresting agents found the event to be shockingly white-washed with solely heterosexual males present and none of the required 15 to 16 attendants. They then informed the Earnest brothers (as the ringleaders of the crime) that they would be placed under immediate arrest for failing to maintain the melting pot idealism envisioned by the law. Heew, a law student, came to the defense of the brothers, stating that in this case, the law allowed for the waiver of the required members in the event the size of the space only allowed for a smaller number of guests. In such cases, the law stipulated that only that number be in attendance. He went on to state that while the brother’s three guests were all heterosexual males, they all fulfilled a different demographic: lispers, the morbidly obese, and men who identified as Wonder Woman when they were 5-years old.

Nevertheless, since those three demographics were not on the list of accepted demographics, the agents confiscated the white cake and moved to detain the brothers. John Earnest’s heinous evasion of the law ended when he suddenly stated that he was sorry that the cake was white but that he didn’t like chocolate cake. The agents immediately downed the perpetrator in a hail of bullets. Bubba Jones later confessed to being the creator and mastermind behind the entirely white cake. He escaped immediate execution only after stating in writing that he was fully willing to consume deserts in any shape, form, size and color.

In court, Steve Earnest, the remaining alleged perpetrator, confessed to engineering the whole scheme with his brother. The judge sentenced him to a 10-year suspended sentence during which he would personally apologize to everyone and animal he had ever offended. After a year, having failed to consistently send in a daily 5-page report on his progress, the judge sentenced him to a 50-year prison term.

In the many ensuing years, Heew became a senator, being instrumental in adding a rock, dog, cat, and a stereotype to the required attendees list under the All-Inclusive Event Law; Jones lost 360 pounds; and Lady helped form the Justice League.




An Open Letter From Molech, God of the Canaanites

Hey guys. Molech here. You might have also heard me called Moloch. Either name is fine…I’m not really that picky about it. I’ll keep this as brief as possible because I know everyone is really busy these days with all the Facebooking, Twittering, and the general feeling of outrage at everything all the time.

When I got into this whole “god” business, it wasn’t really something I planned or thought out. The people at the time decided they needed a new god to serve, someone that was going to help with crops, fertility, and winning battles. You know – the basics. They picked me mainly because I was the only one around who was eight feet tall and had the head of a bull. I have to admit, I do present a pretty striking image. Intimidating is the word people used. In the beginning, they were bringing me goats, and sheep, and maybe the odd cow or two to sacrifice. They would “pass them through the fire”, I would burn them up, and that was that. Full disclosure here: I was and am a gigantic fraud. I never made it rain, helped with crops, or won any battles for anyone. Nope, I’m just an awesome looking bull man. I have no supernatural powers, but the priests decided the people needed something to worship, so I got the gig.

The problem with this whole set up is that after a time, when things didn’t get better for the people, sacrificing cows and sheep didn’t seem like it was enough. That’s when they started bringing out the kids. I have to admit it was a genius move. The people were truly desperate – there was a famine and people were starving – and it seemed like something a power-hungry deity would want. In their minds, sacrificing a few children would save thousands of others. The math made sense.

I don’t believe we need to defend our actions. The peopled did what they felt was necessary to satisfy their angry and demanding god. I will say this though, you people have taken our blueprint and expanded it in ways that we never even dreamed. Yes, children were sacrificed at my altar, but even in those days, the people had to pretend that it was for some greater cause. These days, all pretense has been dropped. Now you are sacrificing your babies for convenience, choice, lack of money, and basically any other reason you can invent. You are really doing it! You have finally gotten a large section of society to believe that killing your babies is not only a good choice but in many cases, the best choice. For crying out loud, you’ve framed it as a basic human right! Hat tip to the evil mastermind that came up with that con. You’ve even defined it as smart family planning and reproductive healthcare. What the Baal?!? I thought we had some pretty devious and masterful ideas back in the day, but that takes the cake.

I guess that is all I’ve got for today. Keep up the good work people. You are carrying on the proud tradition we started thousands of years ago. And you are doing it in ways that make our system look primitive and feeble. Bravo! One of these days I am going to make my comeback and when I do, I am putting all these ideas into practice. I have learned so much. Thank you for that.

Happy sacrificing!
Molech




Warriors Set To Sign Thor, Incredible Hulk to Maintain Their Gigantic Advantage Over Rest of NBA

Oakland, CA–Sources are reporting that the Golden State Warriors, in response to LeBron James signing with the Los Angeles Lakers, and just hours after signing highly coveted free agent DeMarcus Cousins, have also reached agreements with several Marvel Superheroes to guarantee they keep their enormous talent advantage over the rest of the NBA for the third year in a row.

So far Thor and The Incredible Hulk have signed 1-year, cap-friendly deals and the team has also reached out to Iron Man and Ant-Man, though the team would have to petition the NBA to be more flexible regarding uniforms to ensure the suits would be part of the deal.

“Things got tense there for a second,” comment Kevin Durant. “I came here to make sure I would have a cakewalk to the championship every year and if the Lakers add Kawhi then my plan would have been legit in danger. Having Hulk in the low post and the God of Thunder flying all over the court, literally, is going to keep us on cruise control all season long.”

“Yeah, it’s all cool,” Commented Warriors’ guard and two time NBA MVP Steph Curry, with his typical boyish charm. “Warriors Assemble! And all that.”

Thor, explaining his decision, added, “I do not know this game of baskets and balls, but upon my honor, I shall endeavor to vanquish all our enemies. I fought for millennia alongside the Warriors Three (Odin rest their souls) and shall now wage glorious battle with the Warriors of the Golden State.”

Hulk had no comment.

In a completely unprecedented move, sources also say Bugs Bunny and Wayne Knight have reached out to the Warriors, hoping their contributions in vanquishing the MonStars 22 years ago will make them attractive potential free agents as well.

Check back here for the latest on this quickly developing story.




Enlightened Woman Leaves Christianity Due to Jesus and the Apostles’ Dehumanizing Language

Portland, Oregon – Emily Van Zant has been a churchgoer all her life, until now. She was born and raised attending church “any time the doors were open,” as she puts it. But recently, the more she reads the Bible, the more problems she has with the tone and rhetoric from some of Christianity’s key figures.

“I tried for a long time to ignore the angry and hostile language that many of the Apostles were spewing. My breaking point was when I realized that this problem originated with Jesus. I decided I could no longer align myself with such intolerant and dehumanizing language and ideology. All people are valuable and created with the spark of divinity. Calling them ‘a brood of vipers’ or ‘white-washed tombs’ was just a bridge too far for me. Shouldn’t we be showing love to everyone, not just those that agree with us?”

Ms. Van Zant joins a growing number of disillusioned ex-Christians who are looking to live out their faith in a more inclusive and tolerant manner. Ms. Van Zant continues:

“I was already struggling with Paul calling Jews “dogs” in Philippians 3:2. But when a good friend of mine pointed out that Jesus called a Canaanite woman a “dog” I knew this sort of intolerance and bigotry was something I could no longer condone. I embarked on a journey of reflection and fact-finding, and I realized this intolerance went deeper than just language. It was foundational to the entire Christian faith. Jesus’ entire ministry and message were built on non-inclusivity, intolerance, and self-centeredness. He actually taught that he was the only way to heaven! The level of arrogance it takes to make that claim is mindboggling. That was his path, and I respect him for that, but you can’t force your path on anyone else. You aren’t allowed to tell other people that their path is wrong. That’s not how this works. More and more people are seeing the truth and coming to the realization that the party is over for Jesus and his good time buddies of intolerance.”

For the time being, Emily Van Zant is on her own path, seeking knowledge, wisdom, and faith in a number of religions and faiths.

“I will keep looking until I find something that works best for me. And once I do, I will be sure to tell everyone how intolerant and bigoted they are if they disagree with me.”