Unprecedented Celebration Erupts After Hillary Clinton Announces She is Not Running for President

Washington, D.C. – In a show of unity not seen since the days after 9/11, the entire nation has come together to rejoice and celebrate the announcement that Hillary Clinton has finally given up any delusions of ever being the President of the United States. A party has broken out all over the country. Socialists and hard-core Capitalists are hugging in the streets. Ted Cruz and Nancy Pelosi were seen sharing a delicious ice cream sundae. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Donald Trump performed an inspiring Karaoke duet of Kool and the Gang’s classic, “Celebration.” Rachel Maddow and Tucker Carlson won the three-legged race tournament that was co-sponsored by MSNBC and Fox News. Bernie Sanders literally cannot stop smiling and laughing. Even the weather has been in the best mood ever, with temps in the mid-70s and nothing but sunshine as far as the eye can see.

Already three days in, there are no signs this newfound harmony will dissipate any time soon.




Experts Now in Development of Artificial Theology (or A.T.) Designed to Update Scripture and Christian World to Modern Technological Standards

In January of 2020, a team of technologists received the Nobel prize after inventing the first phase of Artificial Theology. The first theological premise generated by this advanced divine program is that the universe was created by a gigantic 3D printer. To date, absolutely no proof has come to light to support the theory, yet techno-savvy scholars the world over are fully on board.

Since that time the new technology has continued to relate further new and exciting biblical-ish facts about the book of Genesis. While the Genesis project is yet at an early stage, debatably the most stunning new fact generated is that the I.R.S. was the original tempter in the Garden of Eden. This has confirmed the long-held belief that they are a thing of great evil. But this is only the beginning. After Genesis, A.T. will generate exciting new truths and facts about the rest of the Bible.

In less than two years, A.T. is anticipated to give birth to a further technology known as Artificial Christianity (or A.C.). In about six years, the project developers anticipate A.C. to have the capability of creating authentic Christian robots pre-programmed to follow a detailed A.C. instruction manual. This will include such protocol involved with things such as ushering, sound booth supervising, security, librarian, choir membership, nursery worker and many other roles.

In addition, the robots will be completely waterproof so they will be able to perform water-based ordinances such as baptism and feet washing. According to an early draft of the A.T. manual, human congregants can stay home on feet washing nights since the robots will be doing it on their behalf. (It is not yet known if robots at any stage can safely ingest foods and liquids so as of yet there are no plans for research and development of robots taking communion).

Expert futurists predict that when the entirety of this ongoing project is completed, the only human Christians doing anything at church except filling a pew will be the pastor, who along with his other duties, will be assigned to robot control.

There is much excitement in the Christian community regarding these imminent developments.

Veronica Samuelson voiced the thoughts of many fellow human Christians: “I can finally just sit in the pew without the guilt of not doing anything!”

Added fellow congregant Roger Ellerson, “Preach it! It will be great not to feel obligated to act on our faith.”

In light of the continuing promise of A.T. and A.C. advancement, theology professors of some of the top secular universities in the world anxiously await the final eradication of all remaining active human faith in the original Bible. Although the predictions exist, its full implications on the future of Christianity are not yet known. However, it is widely known that technology makes everything better, so expectations are high. Its so…exciting!




An Open Letter from Maude, the Farting Cow

Hi, Maude here.

It’s come to my attention that a few Democrats recently introduced a new bill called “The Green New Deal.” It’s full of all sorts of wonderful ideas, including retrofitting or rebuilding every building in the United States to meet with new energy standards. That doesn’t sound too difficult to pull off. I mean, it’s not like there are 100s of millions of buildings in the US…

Most of the stuff doesn’t affect my life at all. I am a cow. I have simple needs. Grass. Water. Some room to roam. You know. The usual. If I say so myself, I don’t really ask a lot from the world around me. Me, and others like me, are simple creatures. So, you will share in my shock and horror that this new bill specifically targets me and my, how to put this delicately, flatulence. This bill wants to eradicate, and I quote, “farting cows.”

Excuse me! I will have you know that I suffer from a very common malady among my kind. I have a touch of irritable bowel syndrome. It’s no laughing matter by the way. It can be a bit embarrassing from time to time, but the other cows understand exactly what I am dealing with, as so many others have this or similar gastrointestinal issues. It’s not like we sit around and try to see who can pass the most gas every day. (Well, Henrietta does that but no one likes her and she is giving us all a bad name.) Sometimes, you just have to let one fly. Is that so wrong? Is this where we are as a society that we are going to not only shame cows that are passing gas but plan to get rid of them? That’s a nice way of saying we are going to exterminate all gassy cows. I won’t stand for it. (Well, I’ll stand because lying down is really hard for a cow, but you know what I mean.)

So, this letter is for Ms. Ocasio-Cortez (or Ms. Ocasio-Cowhater as I am going to call her from now on) and her friends that helped write this new bill calling for my death. We reject it out of hand! We will have nothing to do with this blatant and offensive bovine shaming. We ask that everyone else, cow or human or any other creature that struggles with a rumbly tummy, stand with us! Say no to the “Green New Deal” and its ridiculous attempt to get rid of cows. Mooove over, sister and let the adults handle things from now on!




Government Representative (Fill in the blank) Says/Does (Fill in the blank) and the Nation Recoils

In a stunning, shocking, and outrageous display, Generic Government Representative’s recent remarks and/or actions have sparked a national outcry. We went to the streets to ask average Americans their thoughts:

REO Reporter: “Did you hear about the recent controversial remarks by your Government Representative?”

Average American: “No, what did they say?”

REO Reporter: “It was awful. They said horribly degrading things about immigrants and/or law enforcement officials.”

Average American: “Wow! That is awful. There is no place for that type of hate-filled rhetoric in our country. Remind me, is this government representative in my political party or are they on the other side?”

REO Reporter: “They are on the other side.”

Average American: “That’s what I thought. They are just a bunch of racist, fascists, bigots over there. Just the…”

REO Reporter: “My bad! I got that wrong. They are on your side. Very much on your side.”

Average American: “Yeah, yeah… What I was trying to say is that if you look at the context of what they were saying, it makes sense. They weren’t speaking specifically about any group. We just need to do a better job of really listening to each other and not attacking. We need to dialogue, you know? Really look at all the facts…”

REO Reporter: “Woops! Boy, is my face red now! I got that wrong again. They are totally NOT on your side. Yep, very much on the other side politically.”

Average American: “I knew it! They are evil, evil people. Just the worst people that have ever lived! They don’t deserve to live in this country. They just want to destroy everything this country stands for. They are worse than if Hitler and Satan had a baby! I HATE THEM AND ALL THEY STAND FOR!!!”

REO Reporter: “Thanks for your time.”




Five More Facial Expressions That Are No Longer Acceptable in a Tolerant Society

This weekend, the entire world witnessed an unspeakable horror. On the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, violent racism was deployed in the most damaging manner possible. A young MAGA hat-wearing bigot got in the face of an innocent and totally upstanding Native American elder. He stood there. He looked through his arsenal of privilege and he chose his weapon of choice.

He smirked.

Everyone of sound mind and heart instantly recognizes the hatred, rage, and condescension that comes with that smirk. Most of us have been on the receiving end of a smirk like that. It is a searing knife, plunged into our very souls. Sadly, it is not the only facial expression deployed by the depraved and craven in their attempt to silence those of us on the right side of history. No, there are many more facial expressions of hate, racism, bigotry, misogyny, and intolerance that confront us on a daily basis. Here are five of the most offensive that you need to recognize and eradicate from your life, posthaste!


The Single Eyebrow Raise

There is nothing wrong with your average single eyebrow raise. You know when you lift one eyebrow a little higher than the other. It is an extremely time-honored expression. Abraham Lincoln often raised an eyebrow at his fighting men. So did Helen of Troy when she launched a thousand ships. Very elegant indeed. That being said, the eyebrow-raiser is well advised to avoid it these days. Such expressions are frequently taken as sarcasm, pretension, and various other forms of belittling. This dreaded expression is often effectual in instigating feelings of rage and inferiority. It is henceforth deemed inappropriate if one eyebrow is lifted a least one millimeter higher than the other, and/or if causes the forehead above said eyebrow to be furrowed.


The Non-Flirtatious Wink

We are all aware of the total devastation that occurs when a person (99% of the time a man) winks at another person (99% of the time a woman). We have made great strides in eradicating such toxic behavior in society. Yet the wink’s destructive powers do not end when decoupled from flirtation. The wink, in all its forms, contexts, and deployments is a thing of unbridled hostility, superiority, and vulgarity. If you are a winker, you are a part of the problem. Repent of your winking ways and come to the side where no non-verbal communication of the visual kind will ever be tolerated or condoned.


The “Jim Halpert” Face

Jim (from TV’s “The Office”) was a nice guy. A decent guy. Almost everyone liked him, except for Charles Miner for some reason. He had fun at work, drove Dwight crazy, and got the girl of his dreams. And while he never had a catchphrase, like so many classic TV characters from days gone by, he had a catch look. The look. The “Jim Halpert” face.

Yeah, that’s the one. The problem with that face is that it was often used as a way to deflect any responsibility for all the sexism, racism, and generally offensive behavior of his boss, Michael Scott. It was the look of a coward. In light of how things are progressing in Donald Trump’s America, we have no room for cowards.


The Yucky Food Face

This is something civilized diners should never do. Naturally, it is not good to offend the food preparer in this way, but that is a secondary issue. Of primary concern is 1) disrespecting the animal, fruit, and/or vegetable who died to give you sustenance and 2) offending a stranger who happens to see you across the restaurant and thinks you have been talking about him or her and therefore also thinks that your grimace is directed at them. According to social media, this second is one of the top ten social problems facing our country today. When eating in a public place it is, therefore, best to maintain a straight face at all times so as to avoid this sort of thing. It may even be a good idea to wear a hockey mask when you go out so no one will be mistakenly offended by your Yucky Food Face.


Smiling

Let us be honest here: there are some of us who are simply not allowed to smile anymore. Our smiles are loaded weapons and even if we intend no harm, they leave a swathe of destruction and chaos in their wake. Smiles are just the latest manifestation in a long line of hate and privilege and we just cannot afford to be party to that sort of evil. Until further notice, stop smiling. Our betters in society will let us know when it is safe and proper for all of us to smile again. One last point: If you are unsure if you are allowed to smile, then your complete ignorance about how a progressive and tolerant society works is a clear indicator that your smile is not needed or wanted for this moment in time.


As you can see, if we are not careful we can do great damage even with something as seemingly innocuous as our face. Therefore, we humbly suggest that until the “all clear” is given, let this be your only facial expression:

 




Visionary! Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Nominates Hank Pym, Tony Stark, and Shuri To Science and Energy Board.

Washington, D.C. – On the steps of The U.S. Capital Building, surrounded by supporters and members of the press, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, newly elected Congresswoman and rising star in the Democrat Party, officially offered three names to head the newly created “Climate Change and Renewable Energy Board.” Based on the three people she submitted, she is not afraid to think out of the box. “We have to get off fossil fuels and we have to do it soon. Our planet is dying and the time to start is now. I looked around and these people are the most qualified to lead us into a bright and clean future. I mean seriously, who is smarter than these three? As we all saw in Ant Man, Hank Pym invented the “Pym Particle” for crying out loud! And everyone knows all the great stuff Tony Stark has done – The Arc Reactor and he even helped create a new element! How awesome is that!?! We just need him to give up that whole warmongering, Iron Man stuff. And what can I say about Shuri other than she is a fierce, independent, minority woman who just so happens to be the world’s expert on working with Vibranium. Plus, getting her would allow us to open more channels for trade and information exchange with the thriving nation of Wakanda and it’s wonderful ruler, her brother T’Challa, or Black Panther as most people know him. It’s definitely a win-win.”

Representative Ocasio-Cortez’s office has reached out to Pym, Stark, and Shuri but has received no response from them or their representatives at this time. “We’ll get in touch with them soon. I’m sure they understand how important it is for us to fix this massive environmental mess Big Oil and their Republican cronies have created. They’ll want to be on the right side of history and that side is fighting for renewable energy and a clean environmental future.”

When a reporter from Fox News pointed out that all three of these “people” are fictional characters in recent Marvel films, Ocasio-Cortez simply danced around the steps and said, “This is not the time to get hung up on specifics and ‘facts.’ We have been called to do the impossible so that is exactly what we will do.” The crowd full of her constituents, supporters, and press exploded in cheers and joined in the dance.

It is clear that we are in very good hands indeed.




Report: Millennials Offended by Behavior of TV Characters Who Ended Up In Jail

NEW YORK CITY—According to at least one internet blog post, which in America is considered sufficient evidence to drive a narrative and spark widespread outrage, U.S. millennials are now offended by hijinks of the four main characters from TV’s Seinfeld, a sitcom of mammoth popularity back in the 1900s.

The obscure web site—which allegedly has used the term “grammar nazi” in articles on occasion—-also stated that show’s uber-famous episode involving a Manhattan soup stand proprietor known as the “Soup Nazi” was just one of 13 reasons why the show is now problematic.

“The behavior of those people was rancid and in 2019 to more enlightened ears, a grown man pushing others out of the way to be the first out of a burning building and then rationalizing why he was so selfish just isn’t funny,” the writer concluded. “The passive racism, the cheapness in buying toxic envelopes, the shameless judgment towards a potential pig man, and the utter disregard for everything that is good and decent in society…I’m totally offended that 20 years ago such actions were exalted. Those were despicable characters. They probably should have ended up in jail.”

Show creators Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David could not be reached for comment, as both are spending copious amounts of time these days not caring at all about what humor modern Americans find offensive.




BREAKING: Christian Music Fans Can Earn a Masters of Theology by Listening to Their Favorite Radio Station

Nashville, TN – Bolstered by the unprecedented success of The Most Enormous Small Group in the World, WayLOVE (99.3 FM) is ready to introduce their latest spiritual growth innovation: The World’s first Christian Radio Masters of Theology*. “We are very excited about our new program,” said WayLOVE’s director of programming, Edward Barry. “Seekers and life-long learners will find that our program is incredibly comprehensive, robust, yet flexible enough for their busy schedules.”

How does this new Degree program work? Easy. You simply listen to your favorite Christian Radio station as often as possible and the music, the spiritual nourishment, and the unquestioned profundity of biblical truth will do the rest. “We knew we struck gold when we landed on this idea. Our music is many things: It is positive. It is encouraging. It is safe. Yet most importantly, it is also full of rich spiritual instruction and wisdom. What better way to study Soteriology than hearing Jeremy Camp’s monumental theological examination, “Jesus Saves?” Or how great is it to learn about the doctrine of Hamartiology by listening to “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams?”

WayLOVE’s listeners could not be more excited. Becky Culpepper is working on her third Master’s degree through the station even though the program has only been active for two weeks. “I am so totally thrilled about this, ya’ll! Not only do I get to listen to my favorite songs, which are 100% safe for my kids to listen to as well, I can get my education on while listening to Jamie Grace sing about ‘getting her worship on!’ It’s a win-win!” Scott Maroon, who is currently working on his dissertation, adds, “I had no idea that I could learn so much about the Incarnation or the Hypostatic union or even a little bit about Pneumatology by listening to what I thought were the pretty hackneyed lyrics of “You’re Not Alone” by Owl City and Britt Nicole. Evidently, you can, though. So that’s cool.”

If this new program is well received, WayLOVE hopes to roll out their Doctoral Program* in the fall of 2019.

*Neither program is accredited in any way, shape, or form.




BREAKING: “There is None Righteous, No. Not One.” Not Even Oscar Hosts

Hollywood, CA – Due to a newfound belief in the total depravity of man, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences officially announces major changes to the Oscar ceremonies going forward.

First, there will be no hosts anymore. Academy spokesperson, Michael Williamson said, “Obviously, there is no human being on the planet that hasn’t said or done something offensive to someone else. Anyone we choose as the next host will have their entire life examined and any mean-spirited joke, any bigoted opinion, or any sexist comment will get scrutinized. We cannot afford to be associated with those sorts of things so we are getting rid of the middle man…or person.”

Additionally, there will be no demand for the latest fashions, because all the celebrities are planning to dress in sackcloth and ashes in a very public sign of solidarity with the Academy. Williamson adds, “These celebrities understand the times we live in. They know that at the very least, they need to look like they care a whole lot. And nothing says seriousness and sadness like sackcloth. There will be no red carpet either as we do not want to offend anyone that is colorblind.” 

In lieu of the iconic statue, honorees will be awarded a golden whip for an evening of self-flagellation. No “thank you” speeches will be delivered. Instead, award winners will deliver five minute public apologies for all the offensive words they have ever spoken or written. If the apology is deemed sincere enough, they will be allowed to keep their Golden Whip. If the apology seems forced or insincere, the audience will be allowed to publicly beat them with the Golden Whip until their sins have been fully paid for. Williamson concludes, “Either way, they are apologizing and getting whipped. It’s a win-win.”

A small yet vocal minority, lead by Christopher Walken, is not happy with the changes. They are arguing that the ceremony “needs more cowbell.” The Academy had no comment.




First Zombie Candidate Makes Vast Improvement on U.S. Political Landscape

Beginning in the first decade of this century, U.S. politics began to reach the bottom of the proverbial barrel as far as presidential candidates were concerned. And this made many very sad. After Justin Bieber’s term in office (2032-2036), there was no more down to go. Yet in the fullness of time, a brilliant idea emerged. Ten-year-old gamer Bobby Brown said that his dad told him dead people had long been used to bolster votes. Bobby postulated that the undead “should run them government things.”

Up until then the U.S. Constitution stipulated that a presidential candidate be a natural born citizen of the United States, a resident for 14 years, and 35 years or older. In 2036 the first stipulation was changed to “must be a living or undead sentient being currently existing in the United States.”

Earlier this year, Z. Xander, mayor of Romero, California, the village of the undead, will make history by becoming the first zombie to ever run for the nation’s highest office. His campaign team so far includes a non-partisan dragon slayer, a wise old owl, and a really nice pet rock with a genetically manufactured brain. At a recent political rally, Xander simply stated, “Ahgggg!” and “grrr” to wild applause by the gathered crowd. His future main opponent, Bill Bligh, strongly disagreed. Bligh is now deceased.

Directly following the announcement, political commentator and internationally revered constitutional expert, Dwight Billingsley, said that in his considered opinion Xander is “by far the best candidate to run for any U.S. political office in decades.”

At this time Xander has yet to select a running mate. In serious consideration is his great-great-grandfather Jacobus Xander, a war hero famous as the last casualty of the Civil War in 1865.

Political experts the world over agree that the potential of the 2044 lineup for the U.S. presidential elections is staggering. Senator Orrin Hatch has finally put his name in the ring as well. (No word on whether Hatch is running as a living person or as one of the undead as it has long been unclear with which group he identifies) and Hillary Clinton has announced that she is running for President for the 9th consecutive time. (Hillary is very much alive, confounding all reason and scientific knowledge.) Billingsley states that ” few current voters under 50 will have ever voted on a candidate lineup this good.”