Visionary! Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Nominates Hank Pym, Tony Stark, and Shuri To Science and Energy Board.

Washington, D.C. – On the steps of The U.S. Capital Building, surrounded by supporters and members of the press, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, newly elected Congresswoman and rising star in the Democrat Party, officially offered three names to head the newly created “Climate Change and Renewable Energy Board.” Based on the three people she submitted, she is not afraid to think out of the box. “We have to get off fossil fuels and we have to do it soon. Our planet is dying and the time to start is now. I looked around and these people are the most qualified to lead us into a bright and clean future. I mean seriously, who is smarter than these three? As we all saw in Ant Man, Hank Pym invented the “Pym Particle” for crying out loud! And everyone knows all the great stuff Tony Stark has done – The Arc Reactor and he even helped create a new element! How awesome is that!?! We just need him to give up that whole warmongering, Iron Man stuff. And what can I say about Shuri other than she is a fierce, independent, minority woman who just so happens to be the world’s expert on working with Vibranium. Plus, getting her would allow us to open more channels for trade and information exchange with the thriving nation of Wakanda and it’s wonderful ruler, her brother T’Challa, or Black Panther as most people know him. It’s definitely a win-win.”

Representative Ocasio-Cortez’s office has reached out to Pym, Stark, and Shuri but has received no response from them or their representatives at this time. “We’ll get in touch with them soon. I’m sure they understand how important it is for us to fix this massive environmental mess Big Oil and their Republican cronies have created. They’ll want to be on the right side of history and that side is fighting for renewable energy and a clean environmental future.”

When a reporter from Fox News pointed out that all three of these “people” are fictional characters in recent Marvel films, Ocasio-Cortez simply danced around the steps and said, “This is not the time to get hung up on specifics and ‘facts.’ We have been called to do the impossible so that is exactly what we will do.” The crowd full of her constituents, supporters, and press exploded in cheers and joined in the dance.

It is clear that we are in very good hands indeed.




Report: Millennials Offended by Behavior of TV Characters Who Ended Up In Jail

NEW YORK CITY—According to at least one internet blog post, which in America is considered sufficient evidence to drive a narrative and spark widespread outrage, U.S. millennials are now offended by hijinks of the four main characters from TV’s Seinfeld, a sitcom of mammoth popularity back in the 1900s.

The obscure web site—which allegedly has used the term “grammar nazi” in articles on occasion—-also stated that show’s uber-famous episode involving a Manhattan soup stand proprietor known as the “Soup Nazi” was just one of 13 reasons why the show is now problematic.

“The behavior of those people was rancid and in 2019 to more enlightened ears, a grown man pushing others out of the way to be the first out of a burning building and then rationalizing why he was so selfish just isn’t funny,” the writer concluded. “The passive racism, the cheapness in buying toxic envelopes, the shameless judgment towards a potential pig man, and the utter disregard for everything that is good and decent in society…I’m totally offended that 20 years ago such actions were exalted. Those were despicable characters. They probably should have ended up in jail.”

Show creators Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David could not be reached for comment, as both are spending copious amounts of time these days not caring at all about what humor modern Americans find offensive.




BREAKING: Christian Music Fans Can Earn a Masters of Theology by Listening to Their Favorite Radio Station

Nashville, TN – Bolstered by the unprecedented success of The Most Enormous Small Group in the World, WayLOVE (99.3 FM) is ready to introduce their latest spiritual growth innovation: The World’s first Christian Radio Masters of Theology*. “We are very excited about our new program,” said WayLOVE’s director of programming, Edward Barry. “Seekers and life-long learners will find that our program is incredibly comprehensive, robust, yet flexible enough for their busy schedules.”

How does this new Degree program work? Easy. You simply listen to your favorite Christian Radio station as often as possible and the music, the spiritual nourishment, and the unquestioned profundity of biblical truth will do the rest. “We knew we struck gold when we landed on this idea. Our music is many things: It is positive. It is encouraging. It is safe. Yet most importantly, it is also full of rich spiritual instruction and wisdom. What better way to study Soteriology than hearing Jeremy Camp’s monumental theological examination, “Jesus Saves?” Or how great is it to learn about the doctrine of Hamartiology by listening to “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams?”

WayLOVE’s listeners could not be more excited. Becky Culpepper is working on her third Master’s degree through the station even though the program has only been active for two weeks. “I am so totally thrilled about this, ya’ll! Not only do I get to listen to my favorite songs, which are 100% safe for my kids to listen to as well, I can get my education on while listening to Jamie Grace sing about ‘getting her worship on!’ It’s a win-win!” Scott Maroon, who is currently working on his dissertation, adds, “I had no idea that I could learn so much about the Incarnation or the Hypostatic union or even a little bit about Pneumatology by listening to what I thought were the pretty hackneyed lyrics of “You’re Not Alone” by Owl City and Britt Nicole. Evidently, you can, though. So that’s cool.”

If this new program is well received, WayLOVE hopes to roll out their Doctoral Program* in the fall of 2019.

*Neither program is accredited in any way, shape, or form.




BREAKING: “There is None Righteous, No. Not One.” Not Even Oscar Hosts

Hollywood, CA – Due to a newfound belief in the total depravity of man, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences officially announces major changes to the Oscar ceremonies going forward.

First, there will be no hosts anymore. Academy spokesperson, Michael Williamson said, “Obviously, there is no human being on the planet that hasn’t said or done something offensive to someone else. Anyone we choose as the next host will have their entire life examined and any mean-spirited joke, any bigoted opinion, or any sexist comment will get scrutinized. We cannot afford to be associated with those sorts of things so we are getting rid of the middle man…or person.”

Additionally, there will be no demand for the latest fashions, because all the celebrities are planning to dress in sackcloth and ashes in a very public sign of solidarity with the Academy. Williamson adds, “These celebrities understand the times we live in. They know that at the very least, they need to look like they care a whole lot. And nothing says seriousness and sadness like sackcloth. There will be no red carpet either as we do not want to offend anyone that is colorblind.” 

In lieu of the iconic statue, honorees will be awarded a golden whip for an evening of self-flagellation. No “thank you” speeches will be delivered. Instead, award winners will deliver five minute public apologies for all the offensive words they have ever spoken or written. If the apology is deemed sincere enough, they will be allowed to keep their Golden Whip. If the apology seems forced or insincere, the audience will be allowed to publicly beat them with the Golden Whip until their sins have been fully paid for. Williamson concludes, “Either way, they are apologizing and getting whipped. It’s a win-win.”

A small yet vocal minority, lead by Christopher Walken, is not happy with the changes. They are arguing that the ceremony “needs more cowbell.” The Academy had no comment.




First Zombie Candidate Makes Vast Improvement on U.S. Political Landscape

Beginning in the first decade of this century, U.S. politics began to reach the bottom of the proverbial barrel as far as presidential candidates were concerned. And this made many very sad. After Justin Bieber’s term in office (2032-2036), there was no more down to go. Yet in the fullness of time, a brilliant idea emerged. Ten-year-old gamer Bobby Brown said that his dad told him dead people had long been used to bolster votes. Bobby postulated that the undead “should run them government things.”

Up until then the U.S. Constitution stipulated that a presidential candidate be a natural born citizen of the United States, a resident for 14 years, and 35 years or older. In 2036 the first stipulation was changed to “must be a living or undead sentient being currently existing in the United States.”

Earlier this year, Z. Xander, mayor of Romero, California, the village of the undead, will make history by becoming the first zombie to ever run for the nation’s highest office. His campaign team so far includes a non-partisan dragon slayer, a wise old owl, and a really nice pet rock with a genetically manufactured brain. At a recent political rally, Xander simply stated, “Ahgggg!” and “grrr” to wild applause by the gathered crowd. His future main opponent, Bill Bligh, strongly disagreed. Bligh is now deceased.

Directly following the announcement, political commentator and internationally revered constitutional expert, Dwight Billingsley, said that in his considered opinion Xander is “by far the best candidate to run for any U.S. political office in decades.”

At this time Xander has yet to select a running mate. In serious consideration is his great-great-grandfather Jacobus Xander, a war hero famous as the last casualty of the Civil War in 1865.

Political experts the world over agree that the potential of the 2044 lineup for the U.S. presidential elections is staggering. Senator Orrin Hatch has finally put his name in the ring as well. (No word on whether Hatch is running as a living person or as one of the undead as it has long been unclear with which group he identifies) and Hillary Clinton has announced that she is running for President for the 9th consecutive time. (Hillary is very much alive, confounding all reason and scientific knowledge.) Billingsley states that ” few current voters under 50 will have ever voted on a candidate lineup this good.”

 




Trump Shocked that Everyone at Rally Knew the Sick Woman’s Name was Grace

Cape Girardeau, Missouri – At a massive rally in the riverfront town, a Trump supporter suddenly fell ill and required medical attention. The other rally goers spontaneously erupted into a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Donald Trump was astounded. “I have no idea how so many people knew that her name was Grace, or how they had a song ready for her. It was amazing. Amazing. But this is the sort of thing that happens when you are winning. Winners just know what to do.”

As to how the lady is doing after her health scare, Trump added, “She is doing fantastic. Just fantastic. I don’t like to brag but we have the best medical team in the world at our rallies. Just tremendous. She wouldn’t get better care at any hospital in the country, this I can promise you. Grace is doing fine and I think people singing to her had a lot to do with it. As the song said, she’s amazing. She really is.”

 

 




Media With Horrible Track Record of Prediction Now 100% Confident That God Does Not Exist

In one of the biggest news stories of the week, the same mass media sources that predicted a landslide Democratic win in the 2016 election are assuring the public that God is, in fact, not real.

“We’re really sure about this one” said one reporter for the New York Times, whose car was decked out with “Hillary 2016” and “I’m With Her” bumper stickers. “There’s just no way Stephen Hawking, or we for that matter, could be wrong.”

“Now that we can rest in the knowledge that an Absolute Moral Being does not exist, we can finally focus our attention to fighting for subjective moral issues that we are absolutely, 100% certain are the right thing to fight for,” said another reporter from the Washington Post, who was at the time checking Twitter to make sure she was still on the right side of history.

“Also, we are very much looking forward to huge Democratic gains in November, along with Elizabeth Warren’s successful bid for President in 2020” she continued. “After all, ignorant, bitter, religion-clinging deplorables can only keep focused on complicated political issues for so long.”

Early reports are also coming in that if God’s existence is later proven to be true, Russia is the most likely culprit.




Gollum Cries Discrimination After Being Portrayed by “Nasty” Human Actor in “The Lord of the Rings” Films

Hollywood, CA, The Fourth Age – Reclusive and antisocial fantasy creature, Gollum, or Sméagol as he was once known, has finally broken his silence about his life being put on screen in The Lord of the Rings films. “It’s not fair! Not fair at all, precious! They don’t ask us if we wants to be famous! They don’t ask us if we wants to be known! They lie and cheat and steal, the nasty mens! Gollum! Gollum!”

When pressed to reveal his biggest problem with his story finally being told on the silver screen, he wailed, “Nasty, dirty, actor! Andy Serkisis! He jumps and screams and cries, yes he does precious. Sméagol sees what he does. Sméagol knows. He lies, yes, yes! He lies. He pretends to be Sméagol but he isn’t Sméagol. No, he isn’t Sméagol. He’s false, precious. A wicked, nasty, cheat. It’s not his business to be Sméagol. Not his business! Sneaky little Serkisis. We hates him forever!”

While it is unclear if he realizes that Andy Serkis did not physically portray him on screen, as his character was created through a complex digital filmmaking technique called “Motion Capture”, Gollum/Sméagol did seem to understand that some special effects wizardry was at play. “Cruel, cruel mens and their nasty computers! They tricks everyone, they did! Sméagol did not do it. No, no! Sméagol did not do it. Mens and their filthy zeroeses and oneses did it! Yes, they did precious! Yes, they did. Curse them!”

Representatives for the poor wretch have filed a lawsuit against actor Andy Serkis and New Line Cinema, citing digital appropriation and “humanwashing” of the character. At this time, neither Serkis, his representatives, or New Line Cinema have responded to these accusations.

 

*Image courtesy of Warner Bros/New Line Cinema as Gollum refused to be photographed for this article.




The Man Card

Real men are becoming an endangered species. We live in a culture that is replacing men with namby-pamby, wishy-washy, touchy-feely losers. This is not good. It is not right. All the best things about our world can be traced back to an awesome man doing awesome and manly things. A man who was a MAN and not some wussified and worthless replacement.

Fear not, REO is here to fix this problem by developing our very own “Man Card.” Frankly, the “man cards” we have seen online are spineless things – only worthy of ridicule. Our “Man Card” gets right to the heart of the matter. Heed these words of wisdom and you will become a real man. A man deserving of accolades, riches, and women. Ignore these words of wisdom and you will spend the rest of your pitiful days engaged in activities unbecoming to any red-blooded male. Things like emotional availability, respect for women, and anything remotely associated with art appreciation. …Shudder…

We proudly present, The REO approved, Man Card!

 

 

 




The Patriarchy Wins! Women Convinced That Showing Off Their Breasts in Public is Peak Feminism

San Francisco, CA – In what has been called, “the greatest deception of the modern age,” a clandestine group of men that call themselves “The Patriarchy” has finally seen the fruit of their many years of labor. Since 1962, these men have worked tirelessly behind the scenes to indoctrinate, undermine, and rewire the female brain. In the name of “equality,” “justice,” and “feminism,” these movers and shakers have convinced a good portion of the female gender that exposing their breasts in public is not only good but is, in fact, the truest expression of female power.

“We never thought we could actually convince these dames that showing off their breasts was a good thing, but we figured it was worth a try,” said one of the chief architects of this grand scheme, on the condition of anonymity. He continued, “What really gets me is that these gals have decided that walking around without tops makes them equal with men, even though the only men you ever see walking around like that are bums or wackos. It used to take a lot of hard work to see the goods. Now, they are just popping them out for us because “equality” or something. It’s amazing!”

What is next on the agenda for these forward-thinking men? “I don’t want to say too much, but if things go the way we plan, we will soon convince these broads that the only thing men are good at is playing golf and watching sports…so the girls are going to do all the work and provide all the money in the name of equality and fairness. Men are going to be put on permanent “man-leave” because we are too lazy, too dumb, and too offensive to do anything else.”

Bold plans indeed.