Editor’s Note: Last week, Benjamin Plunkett, one of Rambling Ever On’s founding members and most prolific contributors, died unexpectedly. Please read our tribute to this wonderful man if you have not already.
Ben’s contributions varied widely from original poetry and short stories to book reviews to theological essays. One of his favorite (and mostly uniquely “Ben-esque”) types of articles though was satire. Not subtle satire, but a satire of the most wonderfully ridiculous quality.
A few days before his death, Ben submitted the following piece of satire for potential publication. Our general response at the time was, “Ben, we don’t do satire anymore,” and, “Huh?” However, we have decided to share this last gift with everyone.
We have left this largely unedited. Partly because Ben was our primary editor. Mostly because I don’t think any of us could say for sure what Ben would’ve really wanted. We feared to change too much. For clarity, we have put brackets around any edits we did make.
This will most likely be our last satire article.
[An untitled piece of satire concerning contractions and apostrophes]
In an unprecedented move the investors of contractions, the largest carrier of such popular items as ‘ve ‘ll. and, n’t, have voted to illuminate [pretty sure he meant “eliminate”] the use of apostrophes out of its entire lineup of products. The previous joint ventures are now united in illiterate blobs. The discussion concerning the possibility of such a partaking officially began six years ago at the International Ignoramuses and Illiterates All-Star United Forum in Washington D.C. In a written reply, constituents of the apostrophe proper have written to the group with variations of a number of contractions with rebellious apostrophes. The anti-punctuation investment group are [is] even now making strides toward full elimination of periods and commas.
Sources say they have sold the company’s extant contractions to an unknown group who still deals in traditional English. Rumor has it that this buyer is from another English speaking planet. Leading astronomers have detected neon advertisement signs on the planet of Mars leading to speculation that the buyer is from there.
[A]ccording to the IIIASUF website, they are now forming another special group to discuss officially replacing “You” with “U” anything with “S” with the more forward-leaning letter “z’. In talks right now is the formation of a dedicated z-group called Boyz and Girlz of the Cheeze Yo.