Five Grossly Inaccurate Recollections of Important Big Family Dates and What Actually Happened

In Five Probable Reasons Why Human Society Will Never Find Bigfoot (which can be read here), I outlined for you the probable reasons we will never find Bigfoot. This was in reference to the current bearer of the Bigfoot superhero persona, Bill Big. This is partly because the Bigfoot character didn’t become popular until 1958 when Bill began to assume the role from his father, Tim, and partly because the term Bigfoot didn’t come into use until that time. But “Bigfoot” has been a personality adopted by members of the Big family for thousands of years with a very long tradition of the role being passed from father to son. Here are five fascinating tales in Big history that have been grossly recollected by popular culture.

500 B.C. – The first of the Big personalities to dawn the persona, which would one day known as Bigfoot, was Bigghippopotamus. Back then the concept of “Bigfoot” was brand spanking new and wouldn’t truly be developed for thousands of years. This first guy was basically nothing like our thoroughly advanced superhero. He also didn’t really mean to become a mythological creature. It just naturally happened that way. With the two enormous horn-like pimples on his head and his exceptionally hairy legs, he was born for the role. He was known as a satyr by the Greeks and a faun by the Romans. A really ridiculous rumor is that this satyr (or faun) was sexually promiscuous. This was a thoroughly bogus notion because Bigghi—the guy with the long and awkward name—was happily married to the fair Sasquina (Bigghi always called her Mymainsqueeza). In fact, she was the bearer of the first enormous feet of the Big line. This gene would go dormant in the family until it was inherited by Bill in 1944. Also after this first “long and awkwardly named dude” the line became way taller. This would also change with Bill who would inherit Bigghippopatamus’ relative shortness.

1519 – The story goes that one lonesome night a village of Coahuiltecans, a tribe of early Native American tribe living in Texas, was attacked by a big, hairy creature. The natives claimed that the “Bad Thing” was so fierce and powerful that it flung whole houses into the air. In actuality, this was the Spaniard Bernardino Big who had wandered away from his gold-seeking exploration team with a craving of his own: The sweet nectar that is Dr. Pepper. This is one of the curiousest things in all of Big family lore, but according to Bill old Bernie was very clear to his many descendants that he was indeed on a quest to find Dr. Pepper. By the time he stumbled on the village he was in a delirium of craving for the delicious beverage. Poor chap wasn’t attacking the village, he was just super duper thirsty for Dr. Pepper and just wanted a drink. If you think hard about you will realize that, hey, Dr. Pepper wasn’t around in those days. Either one of two scenarios is therefore true: 1) He had time traveled from a future date in which Dr. Pepper had in fact been invented and he was an idiot time-traveler who didn’t know it was invented much later, or 2) he crossed over from an alternate universe in which the drink existed in Texas in the 1500s. This second was Bill’s guess—and I agree with him—since Big historical documents reveal that Bernie was a pretty sharp fellow and would definitely have known that Dr. Pepper didn’t exist then. Of course, there is a third option if you go in for the theory that states that by going back in time, one is actually traveling to an alternate timeline. That seems a little too out there to me, though.

In any case, Bernardino obviously came from somewhere or some time where Dr. Pepper flowed like wine. If this is the case, he is likely familiar with more recent history and probably planned to say, “Dr. Pepper, I presume. Boom!” He never found it, though, which is the saddest part of the story.

1935 – A man was walking through the forest one day. In the middle of the forest he came upon what by that time were known as Sasquatches—two of them. He claimed they were playing catch with a mole. After he accidentally startled them, the two beasts fled into the dense woods. This is a piece of foolishness. First, this was Tim and his eldest daughter, Lucy, and only Tim was the authentic Sasquatch. That someone would actually call his little 8-foot tall daughter a Sasquatch burned him up something fierce for years. Plus, she was in college and marriageable age so that descriptive wouldn’t exactly encourage any suitors. Second, it wasn’t a mole at all. That part was vastly exaggerated, likely because the truth was pretty boring. In reality, they two were tossing a flat, stale cake to each other. Lucy was married not long afterward. Inspired by the incident of the flying cake, she and her husband invented the world’s first Frisbee. Third, Tim was in no way startled by the noise. He just didn’t want it to get around that Sasquatch played games like a little kid. That certainly wouldn’t have done his street cred any favors.

1958 – This was a huge year for the family, thrusting them more in the limelight than ever before. It was also the year that the current Big public personality began to be known as Bigfoot. Up to this time these individuals had just been known as really tall, hairy mysterious monsters. The transition happened quite by accident. Bill, who at 5’7” wasn’t exactly a son of Anak, had huge feet that made up for his super shortness. At that time, he and his family were living up in the hills of California where his dad plied his Sasquatch trade. One night while dad was out on Sasquatchy business, Bill woke up to find his huge shoes missing. He spent the rest of the night traipsing about a construction site looking for those things. He never found them, but his tracks were and the rest is history. Sasquatch had become Bigfoot and there was no going back. Tim Big eked out a living as Sasquatch for two and a half more years, but finally admitted to himself that the days of the tall monster was over and the time of the big-footed Bigfoot had commenced. In 1961, he finally handed the reigns over to his son. Also, Bill never did find those shoes, specially made by Mama Big too.

1987 – In my previous article about Bill, I mentioned that he did a stint as Ronald McDonald on the McDonald’s commercials. He did so during this year. He also helped finalize consulting on Harry and the Hendersons before it was released to the theaters. He became great friends with the actor who played Harry. He reminded Bill a lot of his dad, that dearly beloved old Sasquatch. The two got along so well that Bill invited Kevin to come visit his cave in the Blue Mountains of Washington. Since at that time Bill hadn’t married, he had no help with his job. That is partly why he brought in Kevin. Being Bigfoot all the time was exhausting for Bill so he had Kevin cover for him now and again. Anyway, Kevin accounts for the hair found around about the Blue Mountains at this time. The life wasn’t for poor Kevin who left the mountains almost immediately and starred in Big Top Peewee the following year.

My inside knowledge of Big events ends at 1992 since that was the year Bill disappeared and my personal acquaintance with his family line ended.