I know the Bigfoot family. Well, Bigfoot is what they are popularly called. That or the more scholarly Sasquatch. They are actually just the Tim Big clan. Tim first dawned the Sasquatch role in the 20s. Girded with the signature enormous feet, he was perfect for the position which he manned until the 60s. Upon retiring, Tim handed over the Northwest mountain roamin’ mysterious creature role to his son, Bill Big, who had also inherited his father’s huge, hairy feet. Bill, he is the little seen character most of us really know as Sasquatch. A few individuals—namely me—have had a personal acquaintance with him in the past. He has always been a very reclusive fellow, but until the early 90s there was a chance of his being found. This is not the case anymore and there are five super good reasons for this:
1. He Looks Way Different Than Anyone Thinks. Let’s get this straight right off the bat. Bill looks nothing like what most people imagine: Some big, hairy ape looking thing. He did tell me that he went through a dirty hippy stage back in the early 70s. He said that back then he probably did resemble a big, hairy beast. But last time I saw him almost 25 years ago he didn’t look anything like the common conception of Bigfoot. Well, except for the enormous feet. His feet are so enormous he has seldom been able to find shoes big enough to wear. He almost did once. There was his stint as Ronald McDonald on the McDonald commercials in the mid-80s. Fit so nice he asked if he could keep them. They said “no, these are for the next clown that comes along.” So he continued to leave his trademark bare footprint that we all know and love. Anyway, even if by some chance you were to see him, you wouldn’t know him from your average Tom, Dick, or Harry.
2. Miley Cyrus Caused Him to Shun Society Forevermore. Back in the early 90s when Bill and I hung out we heard Billy Ray Cyrus on the radio one fateful day. Bill, he was like, “mark my words, no devil spawn of that mullet-wearing abomination can come to any good. I hereby predict the rise and fall of all goodness in human society at the hands of his unfortunate descendants.” Bless my soul if that very same year Miley Cyrus wasn’t born. Ever since that time his prophecy has proven all to truer and truer every year and he’s thus disavowed all human contact. It breaks my achy breaky heart. I heard that Justin Bieber did try to talk to him once, but Big all hauled off into the woods because he took Bieber for Miley Cyrus. In his defense, I think anyone would have made the same mistake.
3. He’s been avoiding the I.R.S. For Years. There are only two things Bill dislikes worse than Miley Cyrus: Unsweetened ice tea and the I.R.S. The first he always easily avoided. The second he’s, well, he’s had a death struggle with this empire of pure evil since the 70s. And he’s been getting better at avoiding them at all costs since that time. My guess is that since I myself haven’t seen or heard from him for years, he has successfully gone off the grid completely, you know, roaming them there hills of the great outdoors. Of course, like many rarely seen individuals and creatures, there is a place that has become a popular mythical hotspot of sorts. This is the subject of my next point.
4. He likes to hang out with Willy Wonka and the Oompa Loompas in the Mystical Realm of Pure Imagination. All those very rarely seen individuals and beasts like Bill, the Loch Ness Monster, the Easter Rabbit, Elvis Presley, Vermicious Knids, etc., they absolutely love to hang out in Wonka’s delicious candy land of pure imagination. I would say that that may be where Bill is right now. If that is the case, you’ll probably never see him since Wonka’s chocolate factory is never open to the public. Well, there was that one time when Charlie and those spoiled brats had golden tickets to tour the joint, but that was it. I am so jealous right now. I long to bathe in a chocolate river.
5. He’s Invisible. You remember my Five about the dangers of invisibility? (Which you can read here.) One of the dangers is that if one stays invisible too long and too much, invisibility will eventually become permanent. I told him and I told him that this was bound to happen to him since he was always loving on that invisible thing. Old Bill, he was completely incorrigible on this point. He was all, “I couldn’t care less what you think on this issue. Well, it’s possible that I could care less. I care so little that I haven’t thought about it so just shut it.” So yeah, there is a strong likelihood that Bill is permanently invisible, which is probably okay with him since he’s just thankful he exists at all.