The Time-Traveling Spaniard Bigfoot Bernardino Big and the Continuing Quest for Dr. Pepper
In Five Grossly Inaccurate Recollections of Important Big Family Dates and What Actually Happened I related some historical Big tales as they are inaccurately known among the public at large. All of that was information given to me by Bill Big. Well, new information has come to light about the Spaniard Bernardino Big. I recently discovered his diary and found that before settling down he was indeed a time traveler. During his journey in Texas, he stumbled upon a strange time traveling device, a glowing orb, which changed his life forever. In the course of his travels he tried out all manner of popular merchandise of the individual times like felt top hats, bell bottoms, and Dr. Pepper. This last would quickly find a place in his heart, a memory to be cherished forever. After a time, however, all the time and space gadding about got old and he went back to his native space-time continuum. Only he made a mistake with the controls and when he returned was a few weeks after he left rather than just a few minutes. By that time, all of his countrymen had long gone, giving him up for dead. So that is the state we first found him, a long-lost traveler in a caffeine withdrawal rage. His diary tells us that shortly after this event he had had it with wandering about aimlessly and began a five-visit quest to relive Dr. Pepper glory. Sadly, though, he had quite forgotten which timeline possessed this carbonated nectar of life. That meant he was going to have to do more moving about in time here and there and everywhere. So off he went.
Visit One: 986 A.D. – Old Leif Erikson and his merry band of Vikings reported sighting sighting a big old monster who they described as an ugly, hairy beast with big black eyes. In his diary, Bernardino took great umbrage at this horrific description but admits it was probably accurate at the time. He had just left his Texan visit (which was his ninth visit since the very beginning) and was still on the caffeine withdrawal quest for the refreshing taste of Dr. Pepper. By this time he was veritably aquiver with this withdrawal. Leif, who actually chatted with him for a bit, informed Bernard that he knew not of this strange, mythical substance. So after after the Vikings sailed off home, he pouted for a bit then jumped again.
Visit Two: 1828-1829 – One of Bernard’s longest visits was in Georgia’s Okenfenokee Swamp throughout an unusually dry winter. He stayed so long because he cottoned to the solitude of swamp life. “Cottoned to” was a phrase he picked up from the various hunters and explorers who ventured through the swamp now and again. Although he didn’t know it, he was a regular old Yoda on Dagobah, he was, and managed to elude detection until some guys discovered his footprints he had carelessly left behind. Next thing you know all hell breaks loose and Bernard’s little piece of paradise comes to an end. Those dudes all hauled back and brought back a bunch of fired up Bigfoot hunters. Well, they found old Bernard, but their recollections of the event were vastly exaggerated. The only true part of their recollection is that just as many others in the Big line, Bernard was very tall. Other than that, bogus. Although it is true that they did eventually find the “monster,” they claim it viciously attacked them in a mad fury. In reality, Bernard was just standing there, kind of embarrassed since he had just taken a mud bath and wasn’t dressed and cleaned to receive visitors. The hunters, on the other hand, weren’t embarrassed at all, just scared and very, very nervous. When a cone dropped from a nearby cypress tree, the skittish hunters unloaded their guns into the poor, defenseless bulb. Bernard took the chaotic moment to leave this timeline. He grabbed the nearby time traveling device and said sayonara to his beloved swamp home before skedaddling into space and time.
Visit Three: 7856 – Here Bernardino landed in an alternate universe, which he had seldom done before. It was usually in his own homegrown universe. Anyway, in this far distant time and in this universe, Bernardino blended into the crowd since it was inhabited by all manner of Bigfoot civilizations. There were also races of flying unicorns and talking geraniums. Despite his being entirely covered in mud, within minutes of his arrival he was inundated with applications to join any one of at least a dozen different Bigfoot tribes. It was all quite fascinating and Bernardino was sorely tempted to stay, but alas, he longed for Dr. Pepper and the loving comfort of his native timeline so he pushed the button and off he went.
Visit Four: 1973 – This is the year the public started going crazy with Bigfoot and UFO sightings. Only two of these touted sightings (one of bigfoot, the other of a UFO) are actually true. And what is even crazier is that both of these happened on the same night and in the same location. Here is what is claimed to have happened that fateful night in Pennsylvania: A couple of teenage girls were out in front of their friends house waiting for a ride home when all of a sudden a nine-foot-tall Bigfoot with white fur emerged from the woods across the street. They claimed the beast was also carrying a glowing orb. The two ran back inside to tell their friend’s dad. He went to investigate and reported that while in the woods he saw a UFO. Here’s what actually happened: After arriving in 1973, the nude, still mud-covered Bernardino found himself in an empty house. It took him a couple of hours, but he somehow managed to figure out how the new-fangled inside bathroom stuff worked. He basically knew how these things worked thanks to his earlier visits to the 20th century. So he took a shower and cleaned off the mud. Afterwards, he covered his nakedness with the only thing he could find that even remotely fit: A pair of white long johns. Anyway that’s what his description sounds like. Bernard just figured clothes is clothes, you know. Afterwards he traipsed through the surrounding woods with the glowing orb to figure out where and in what time he had ventured. In the darkness he crossed a strange gray pathway and in the process scared off two girls. In the woods beyond a strange light beamed down on him. That is when the alien craft alighted beside him. Berbard stated that indescribably hideous beings came out. He said every one bore striking resemblances to Justin Bieber who he had actually encountered on an earlier visit. The Bieber beings told Bernard that they had been searching for precious time-travel device and had been stuck in 1973, the worst year ever, until they found it again. Bernard agreed to graciously return it to them on the condition that they return him to his original time and space.
Visit Five: 1519 – Yeah, that’s right. Bernardino was born and raised right in the timeline where we first met him. He had jumped from 1519 already two times. The very first time was at his home in Bilbao, Spain where he was part of a crew that set off for the new world. After a months-long sea voyage, they began to pave a path of death and destruction through Mexico. It was during the journey through what we now call Texas that Bernardino found the glowing orb in the sand. The orb, it had all manner of dials and numbering on its surface. When he accidentally made his first jump he wasn’t sure how to operate the blasted thing. After a few jumps he got a hang of it and eventually figured out how everything worked. Now at the end, sadly not having achieved his greatest desire, the alien Bieber beings, per his request, delivered him to his Balbao home. But seeing his great sadness and being filled with great pity, the Bieber beings graciously bestowed upon him a parting gift of a bottle of Dr. Pepper, a sacred liquid to their kind and their most valued possession.
Ben was a founding member of Rambling Ever On and a regular contributor and editor until his untimely death in April 2020.
We wrote a tribute to him, but the best tribute you can give him would be to read all the wonderful poems, short stories, book reviews, theological essays, and ridiculous satire pieces he wrote for us. Pass them on to others and maybe allow Ben to inspire you to write something yourself.
- Masters (Considering Ecclesiastes) - February 7, 2024
- Flowers and Runners (Considering Ecclesiastes) - January 4, 2024
- Until the Return (Considering Ecclesiastes) - October 18, 2023
Well, now it all makes sense!
what the fudge is this??
It’s Ben Plunkett spinning a right Good yarn.
It may have been a little odd because I neglected to mention that in his home country he’s best friends with Inigo Montoya who upon Bernard’s return kindly asked the lead alien if he had six fingers on his right hand. That was a key plot point.