A few years ago, I stated five great reasons to never, ever step on a crack. Here are five more.
1. Your dad will break his back. In my last article on crack stepping dangers, I mentioned that stepping on a crack will lead to breaking your mothers back. That little piece of crack lore has already been common knowledge now for more than a hundred years. What is very little known is that your father’s back will also broken. Why history has forgotten this obviously life-changing fact is quite beyond me. Maybe the original composer had a bad experience with his father and just considered mothers the important parental member. Maybe the writer was ashamed that Bigfoot was their father. I don’t know. All I know is that sidewalk walkers everywhere need to be made aware of this possible danger.
2. You run the risk of having your foot eternally lodged in its narrow fissure. Sidewalk crack walls are of similar material to Mithril mail, they are incredibly flexible, easily expanding to allow for unfortunate feet to be pulled in, but so strong that very little can extricate said feet from their grasp. This is thanks to the makers of crack walls. Construction companies typically outsource said work to the sidewalk crack elves of Middle Earth, who forge it in their home-based cracks of doom.
3. You may very well crush the peace-loving Tiny Crackeletti Tribe citizens with falling debris. As mentioned in my last article, the gloomy depths of the average crack world is indeed a dismal, dark realm. One might assume that everything that dwells therein is the same. But lo, there is a bright spot in this black land of despair, the peace-loving Tiny Crackeletti Tribe. They have long foraged their homes in this dark environment, busying themselves with inventing horrible puns to brighten their netherworlds. Yea, verily, they have inhabited these floors ever since the first sidewalk appeared in ancient Greece. Stepping on a crack may mean raining down shoe debris on the homes of these kindly, pun-loving folk. That’s just rude.
4. This falling debris might also lend hurtling weapons for the Crackeletti’s formidable and evil foes, the Teeny Crevice Creatures. As mentioned, it is very true that the Crackeletti are the one bright spot in the crack netherworld. Alas, all else here really is bleak and evil. One of the worst and most vile things that you will find are the sworn enemies of the Tiny Crackeletti’s, the Teeny Crevice Creatures. Say you do step on a crack, the debris that does miss smashing the Crackeletti’s humble homes will still make for very useful hurtling weapons for the Teeny Crevice Creatures in their long and terrible feud with the Tiny Crackeleti’s.
5. It is considered very uncouth sidewalk etiquette to step on a bridgeless crack. Back in the times of ancient Greece, the Tiny Crackeletti were held in high honor all over the sidewalk world for their great philosophical wisdom. However, as time progressed, the Crackeletti became less wise and therefore less revered and of less social standing. As a result, there are almost now no Crackeletti’s with lucrative philosophy jobs today. Few people know that today, to maintain their livelihood Crackeletti tribes all over the world are charged with the care of tiny sidewalk crack bridges. Although stepping on a bridgeless crack is not against the law, it is in extremely bad form to do so. In fact, I feel embarrassed even broaching the subject so I will just suggest that if you really do feel compelled to step on a crack, find one of these very helpful but extremely rare bridges first. By doing so, you may be saving not one life only, but two.