If you have ever seen the movie As Good As It Gets, you will recall that the main male character, Melvin Udall, is a dedicated obsessive-compulsive individual. One of his many obsessive quirks is avoiding cracks in the sidewalk at all costs. There are literally millions of people throughout the world who avoid the dreaded sidewalk crack. There are millions of us! This is not nearly as irrational a thing as you might think. Here are five profoundly good reasons to never, ever step on cracks:
1. You will break your mother’s back. The saying about the unluckiness of stepping on a crack went through a couple of versions before doctors landed on the undeniable fact that stepping on a crack will indeed break your mother’s back. Unlike many other “truths” in the medical community that seemingly change every other day, this fact was discovered in the late 19th century and has remained a medically accepted truth unto this very day. Therefore, my friends, it will behoove you to take care to heed the wisdom of this saying.
2. Your siblings and their descendants will never speak to you again. Can you really blame them? For crying out loud, you’ve willfully broken the back of their beloved matriarch. This is something that will affect more than just you and your siblings. There will be adverse effects for years to come down to their children, ye, to their children’s children and on down the line. It will be the same with your own children. You are also risking estrangement from your spouse. If you are single, don’t expect to marry. No one is going to want to marry a person who heartlessly broke his or her mother’s back.
3. You will plummet into a slimy, dangerous netherworld. The sides of most sidewalk cracks are easily widened. When stepping on a crack there is always, always, always the very real danger of the two sides separating and you falling into the dank, deep, dark cavern that so commonly yawns beneath this opening. Have you ever seen King Kong (2005 version) where the rescue crew falls into a foreboding chasm which has all sorts of flesh-eating giant insects at the bottom? That’s what it’s like down there. I’ve never seen it myself, but I’ve heard tell that this is the case.
4. All joy, happiness, and human spirit will be sucked from the abyss of your soul. Even if you do manage to escape the aforementioned netherworld, your life will never be the same. Think about it. You’ve severely injured your own mother, your entire family has abandoned you, and you’ve barely escaped alive from hell on earth. There is no doubt that these three things combined will ensure that you are emotionally scarred for the rest of your life. There’s a chance your emotionally wrecked state might be reversed if some kind individual or individuals shows grace upon your mommy-back-breaking soul. There is no guarantee of that, though.
5. You will end up like Mr. Potter (of It’s A Wonderful Life fame). Even if somewhere along your traumatized life you do encounter a loving soul or souls, there is no guarantee that their graceful ways and patient counsel are going to undo all the trauma caused by crack-stepping. In all probability you will end up like Mr. Potter, a warped, frustrated old man (or woman in which case you’ll be a Mrs. Potter). Is that what you want? Sure you’ll be rich and have a town named after you in an alternate reality, but it will be a life devoid of any love and true contentment. Plus you’ll be fat and ugly.
So yeah, just don’t do cracks. Cracks kill.