Five Reasons Why I Don’t Have Horns Surgically Implanted on My Head

This is a fictional account of how I sought to have a horn or horns implanted on my head and utterly failed. It is also how I came to realize that that was probably for the best:

1. An authentic narwhal horn, my top choice, was just completely impractical.

I briefly talked with the doctor on the phone concerning my wishes and then met with him in his office a few days later.

Doctor: Okay, your number one choice was an actual ivory narwhal horn, is that right?

Me: Yeah, that’s right. Must be authentic.

Doctor: Mm. Well, you should know its not really a horn, per se.

Me: It’s not?

Doctor: No, it’s a tusk. So basically you’ll have a big tooth sticking out of your head

Me: Oh. Well, that would be different right? How cool would it be to eat with my head?

Doctor: That’s not— Anyway, that’s just for starters. Hunting narwhal just for their tusks is illegal these days and even if it weren’t, you would be lugging a 20-pound tooth on your head. It’s just impractical around.

Me: That makes sense. All body modifications are very practical, I understand that completely.

2. My second choice, an authentic unicorn horn (with its magical powers), was non-existent.

After this bit of dialogue, I sat there dejected, mournful, weeping. All the possible synonyms of sadness, that was me.

Me: Well what about my second choice, then?

Doctor: While that might be interesting, the thing is, they kind of don’t exist.

Me: Oh…Well, that’s not very fair.

Doctor: True. We could form you a synthetic unicorn horn of silicon

Me: I was hoping for a unicorn horn with all of its magical properties.

D: A silicon one is going more of the traditional route and therefore much safer because its tried and true.

Me: That means everyone’s doing it.

D: All of the advanced individuals, yes.

Me: I want to be an X-man, too.

D: Just call me Professor Xavier. I can do anything…but I can’t do real unicorn horns.

Me: And there’s the rub.

3. I decided my third choice, Elk Antlers, was just a stupid idea.

Me: Well, I have one last idea.

Doctor: Shoot.

Me: Elk horns.

Doctors: Mm, interesting choice. I’m not sure something like that has ever been done yet, but I think we can work with that.

Me: Never been done? Hasn’t Kate Blanchett done it?

D: Uhhh, I doubt it.

Me: I don’t know if that is true. You can clearly see her in that one scene in Thor: Ragnok with elk horn implants.

D: That was the character, Hela, and I’m pretty sure that was just a headdress. Notice she didn’t have the antlers most of the time. 

Me: Bogus. That was the main reason I wanted to get them. Without that I would just look like some kind of idiot with elk horns.

Doctor: By the way, they aren’t really horns. They are closely related, but horns and antlers are technically different things.

Me: Wow, not horns. Thanks, doc, you really helped me avoid a real fashion faux pas there. No, all things considered, elk ho–antlers is an entirely stupid idea.

4. I decided I ran too great a risk of either being used as either a hat rack or being mounted on a wall.

D: And look at it this way, now you won’t be used as a hat rack wherever you go.

Me: True that. Nor–now that I think about it–will my head end up mounted on the wall above a fireplace.

D: And why would that happen?

Me: So I’m walking around in the woods, a hunter sees my gangly antlers and–BAM!—I’m on his wall.

D: Quite the woodsman are you.

Me: Me, no way, I hate the woods. Who needs all that sticky, prickly, uncomfortable mess. Why?

D: No reason.

5. In all likelihood, my dream of using said horns as puns wasn’t going to pan out anyway.

Me: (I sighed) Perhaps this is for the best. I really only wanted the horns for puns, anyhow.

D: Puns?

Me: Yeah. Like I would point to my horns whenever I said something clever like “It’s a veritable horn of plenty” or “allow me to toot my own horn.” You know stuff like that.

D: You are one wild man, you are.

Me: Thanks. But you know, Doc, I heard one time that if you’re nothing without it, you’ll be nothing with it. I’m going with that.

D: Wisdom.

Me: Thanks for helping me make up my mind, Doc.

D: Glad to do it. Glad to do it. Let me know if you ever have any other body modification needs.

Me: You can count on that. I’m seriously considering a tortoise-shell torso encasement.

Five Things I Don’t Understand

I’m a smart guy. Sort of. I am a college graduate (though that means less than it used to). I am a functional adult with a full-time job. I have a decently wide knowledge about stuff, yet sadly, there are still a few areas where I am completely at a loss. These are areas where I honestly cannot figure out what is going on. Here at REO, we thrive on full transparency, so here is a list of Five things I do not understand at all.

1. The Stock Market

I have a business degree. I took hours and hours of college classes on economics, accounting, statistics, and all the rest, and I still have no idea how the stock market actually works or why it matters so much. Some of you are probably shaking your heads right now wondering how someone could be this dumb. Fair enough. I’m an idiot. That doesn’t change the fact the stock market feels more like a mob mentality with a heavy dose of manipulation than anything else. Or maybe I am just too dumb to understand the intricacies of it.

2. People who are obsessed with all things Disney

What’s the deal with these people? No knock on them, but this is something I will never understand. Ever. There are good, decent people that spend almost as much time at Disney parks as they do at home. It seems like every other week, they are headed to Disney World for a week-long get-away. What am I missing? Could someone please explain this to me?

3. Why cargo shorts are no longer cool

This one makes me mad. I like cargo shorts. They are almost always long enough – reaching down to my knees. They provide plenty of places for whatever cargo you need to carry on your person. They are thicker, which is something I appreciate as I hate thin shorts that cling to my frame. Why did cargo shorts become lame all of a sudden? Who decided that? I reject their rejection of cargo shorts out of hand! Who’s with me?!?

4. Why people in the front row of a group picture always bend down and put their hands on their knees

Sometimes this is necessary if the people behind you will be blocked from view, but most of the time when I see these pictures on social media, there is literally no reason for the people in the front to strike this pose. This is another example of mob mentality in our country. At some point, a group of girls did this, the picture got shared on Instagram and other girls saw it and started doing it and they shared their pictures on social media and other girls saw it and started doing it and now everyone does it and everything is stupid.
I’ve included two visual examples of this insane phenomenon. I’ve used the latest photo editing technology to hide the identities of the people in the photos.

5. Semicolons

I write a lot. In the past few years, I’ve written over 200 articles for REO, with most of those having at least 500 words. Even so, the proper usage of the semicolon completely eludes me. Honestly, I probably should have used a few in this article but I have no idea where to put them. I aced the English portion of the ACT and I still have no clue how the semicolon is supposed to function. I am ashamed – and ignorant. Which is the worst kind of shame.

That’s a brief glimpse into my blind spots. What are some of yours? If you dare, share a few of the things you don’t understand in the comment section below. Come, let us console one another with words of encouragement. Or, we can just make fun of each other. Either way, it will be fun.

An Open Letter from Maude, the Farting Cow

Hi, Maude here.

It’s come to my attention that a few Democrats recently introduced a new bill called “The Green New Deal.” It’s full of all sorts of wonderful ideas, including retrofitting or rebuilding every building in the United States to meet with new energy standards. That doesn’t sound too difficult to pull off. I mean, it’s not like there are 100s of millions of buildings in the US…

Most of the stuff doesn’t affect my life at all. I am a cow. I have simple needs. Grass. Water. Some room to roam. You know. The usual. If I say so myself, I don’t really ask a lot from the world around me. Me, and others like me, are simple creatures. So, you will share in my shock and horror that this new bill specifically targets me and my, how to put this delicately, flatulence. This bill wants to eradicate, and I quote, “farting cows.”

Excuse me! I will have you know that I suffer from a very common malady among my kind. I have a touch of irritable bowel syndrome. It’s no laughing matter by the way. It can be a bit embarrassing from time to time, but the other cows understand exactly what I am dealing with, as so many others have this or similar gastrointestinal issues. It’s not like we sit around and try to see who can pass the most gas every day. (Well, Henrietta does that but no one likes her and she is giving us all a bad name.) Sometimes, you just have to let one fly. Is that so wrong? Is this where we are as a society that we are going to not only shame cows that are passing gas but plan to get rid of them? That’s a nice way of saying we are going to exterminate all gassy cows. I won’t stand for it.

So, this letter is for Ms. Ocasio-Cortez (or Ms. Ocasio-Cowhater as I am going to call her from now on) and her friends that helped write this new bill calling for my death. We reject it out of hand! We will have nothing to do with this blatant and offensive bovine shaming. We ask that everyone else, cow or human or any other creature that struggles with a rumbly tummy, stand with us! Say no to the “Green New Deal” and its ridiculous attempt to get rid of cows. Mooove over, sister and let the adults handle things from now on!

Government Representative (Fill in the blank) Says/Does (Fill in the blank) and the Nation Recoils

In a stunning, shocking, and outrageous display, Generic Government Representative’s recent remarks and/or actions have sparked a national outcry. We went to the streets to ask average Americans their thoughts:

REO Reporter: “Did you hear about the recent controversial remarks by your Government Representative?”

Average American: “No, what did they say?”

REO Reporter: “It was awful. They said horribly degrading things about immigrants and/or law enforcement officials.”

Average American: “Wow! That is awful. There is no place for that type of hate-filled rhetoric in our country. Remind me, is this government representative in my political party or are they on the other side?”

REO Reporter: “They are on the other side.”

Average American: “That’s what I thought. They are just a bunch of racist, fascists, bigots over there. Just the…”

REO Reporter: “My bad! I got that wrong. They are on your side. Very much on your side.”

Average American: “Yeah, yeah… What I was trying to say is that if you look at the context of what they were saying, it makes sense. They weren’t speaking specifically about any group. We just need to do a better job of really listening to each other and not attacking. We need to dialogue, you know? Really look at all the facts…”

REO Reporter: “Woops! Boy, is my face red now! I got that wrong again. They are totally NOT on your side. Yep, very much on the other side politically.”

Average American: “I knew it! They are evil, evil people. Just the worst people that have ever lived! They don’t deserve to live in this country. They just want to destroy everything this country stands for. They are worse than if Hitler and Satan had a baby! I HATE THEM AND ALL THEY STAND FOR!!!”

REO Reporter: “Thanks for your time.”

Lucy Hosts a Dinner Party

Lucy Hosts a Dinner Party

The setting is Ricky Ricardo’s Club Babalu. Lucy has invited three book club friends and one guest of these friends to join her, Ricky, and their besties the Mertzes for dinner. The nine gathered dinner guests include Lucy, Ethel and Fred Mertz; Jerry Seinfeld and Elaine Benes; Lucille and Gob Bluth; Kate Austin and Jack Shephard. Prior to their arrival Ricky has just finished performing his favorite song. All except his wife, Lucy, silently rejoice at this since they all unanimously hate it with every fiber of their being. Gob is sure that act can be vastly improved with a bit of magic…and candy. Now they impatiently and hungrily await Ricky while he changes backstage. (The waiters have been instructed not to begin dinner until he arrives.) Like a gracious host, Lucy breaks the ice.

Lucy: Early this afternoon Ethel and I were really bored and I just looked at Ethel and said, “You know what we ought to do? You know what we ought to do?! You want to go downtown and have dinner with the boys tonight?” And she said…tell them what you said, Ethel.

: I said, “yes!…What boys?”

Lucy: And I said, “Fred and Ricky, silly.” And then she said, “Oh yeah.” Just like that “Oh yeah,” and she obviously wasn’t at all excited about it. So I suggested we invite some of our book club friends and their significant other.

Ethel: Or a friend.

: Or mortal enemies (He looks meaningfully at Elaine).

Lucy: Good times! Now, all we need is Ricky.

Jack Shepherd:
 Shouldn’t he already be here?

Lucy: Hold your horses. And, say, won’t he be delighted to see you all.

Ethel: You mean he doesn’t even know yet?

Lucy: Well, he knows the three of us are.

Mrs. Bluth
: GAAAH! Why am I even here? Gob!…

Jerry: And why haven’t we given our orders yet?

Lucy: We’re waiting for Ricky. He has to tell the waiters when we’re ready.

: I’m ready.

Jerry: I thought we had reservations.

Lucy: We did. I made them. 

Jerry: Did you? Do you even know how reservations work?

Lucy: Yes, I know how reservations work, Jerry, thank you very much.

Jerry: I don’t think you do. If you did, we’d be eating.

(He looks at Fred). Am I wrong?

: Don’t look at me, I’m just here to for the chow.

: (scoffs) Lucy.

Lucy: Excuse me…Have we met?

Elaine: No, but I’ve heard of your show. “Murphy Brown”, right? I’m writing a script for it.

Lucy: What? I’m on “I Love Lucy.”

Elaine: Yeah, whatever, I don’t care.

Jerry: Let me get this straight, you haven’t even seen the show and your writing a script for it?

Elaine: (Ignores Jerry and looks at the food on the other tables). GAAAH, I am so hungry!

Lucy: Now listen, Ethel, when Ricky gets here and sees everyone you distract him with something that will make him forget about being mad at me.

Ethel: Huh? How?

Lucy: Dance with him, talk, sing…That’s it! Ask Ricky to sing.

: Sing?! You know he won’t!

Lucy: Oh, WON’T he! There is nothing he would rather do, ever!

Jerry: My but isn’t it great to see such familial love and trust in action.

Elaine: What’s the point of waiting for this guy. Let’s eat!

Lucy: “This guy”? I’ll have you know—

Kate: Just a little plate of chocolates. Is that too much to ask? Just one plate. 

: Oh come on! She just wants some chocolate. Garkon! Garkon! A plato ofo chocolatos for the senioraitos and the seniorettees.

Lucy: No! No, never mind, Sam. No chocolates.

Fred: You just had to ask for chocolates. Ethel and Lucy have had it with chocolate since that time they scarfed down all those chocolates at the chocolate factory.

Lucy: Well…that was all your fault.

Fred: My fault?

Lucy: Yes. Yelling all those crazy things.

Fred: That was dinner talk.

Lucy: Yeah well…you scared me!

Ethel: My sentiments exactly, Lucy. (scowls at Fred)

Lucy: Thank you, Ethel.

Jack: I got to tell you ladies, if you don’t learn to get along with your husbands…you’re going to eat alone.

: (turns to Gob) He always says stuff like that.

Jack: Yeah, well. I love you.

: I love you more.

Jack: No, I love you more.

Kate: Okay.

Gob: That’s the Christmas Spirit.

Jack: Back on the island we didn’t celebrate Christmas at all and liked it.

Kate: (To Gob) He loves talking about the island.

Jack: The island told me to.

Gob: (Pulls out a deck of cards and shows the top card) Hey Kate, see this King of Diamonds?

Kate: Sure.

Gob: That’s me. You’re the queen who the king of diamonds showers with diamonds. (pulls a queen of clubs from the deck)…I mean Clubs…Club sauce! He showers her with club sauce!!!

Mrs. Bluth
: Ugh, I hate club sauce. If I wanted my sauces touched, I’d eat the inside of your ear!

Gob: What does that even mean?!

Lucy: Okay, okay, okay, everyone. While we wait for Ricky, let’s play “Going On a Picnic.”

Jerry: Yeah, cause we really need to work up an appetite right now.

Ethel: Really?

Jerry: No.

Mrs. Bluth:
Lucy, dear, I don’t like these games and I won’t respond to them.

Lucy: I’m sorry you don’t enjoy these games more. I guess you are just a heathen who doesn’t “get” what fun is all about.

(Lucy and Ethel enthusiastically begin the game but Fred refuses to continue and everyone else is good with that. Except for Gob)

Gob: I’m going on a picnic and I’m taking an artichoke, a bacon sandwich, and….a Chimpanzee with a cup of cold coffee…and an illlluuuusion.

Elaine: (Says quietly to Jerry) Ya know, we shouldn’t have to wait for her husband to eat. I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody’s plate.

Jerry: I’ll tell you what, there’s 50 bucks in it for you if you do it.

Elaine: What do you mean?

Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an empanada, you don’t say anything, you eat it, say ‘thank you very much’, wipe your mouth, walk away. I give you 50 bucks.

Elaine: 50 bucks, you’ll give me 50 bucks?

Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.

Elaine: OK, I don’t wanna go over there and do it, and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole like I didn’t put mustard on it or something…

Jerry: No, no tricks.

Elaine: Should I do it, Lucy?

Mrs. Bluth: (applying lipstick) Its Lucille. Don’t mistake me for that red-headed bimbo over there.

Lucy: I’m right here.

Mrs. Bluth: (Ignores Lucy) Sure, why not. It’s your grave. Frankly, I don’t trust anything served in this place.

Jerry: True. You also notice most of the waitresses are really ugly. Totally undateable!

Elaine: Just when I think you’re the shallowest man I’ve ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

Mrs. Bluth: (ignoring Elaine) I noticed that. The male waiters are pretty hideous as well….That settles it. (She gets up and leaves without telling Gob who just said he is taking a lovely lava-lamp on a picnic).

Elaine: (Leans over to Gob). Hey buddy, your ride’s leaving.

Gob: What?…come on! (He gets on his Segway which is beside his chair and quickly exits).

Lucy: Oh, don’t leave you two! Ooooh!

Jerry: (He turns to Elaine) So?

Elaine: So, what?

Jerry: The bet?

Elaine: On one condition. That you follow me and that having completed the task, we immediately leave and go get something to eat.

Jerry: Yeah, whatever. (Leans across the table) Hey Lu, we got to go.

Lucy: Oh no. Not you two too.

Jerry: Yeah, we gotta go.

Lucy: Ohhh, why?

Jerry: Yeah, its Elaine, uhhh…she’s like really frightened and has to go home.

Jack: Frightened?

Jerry: Yeah, she has what the doctors call a condition, it comes and goes and if she doesn’t go home soon she could die. DIE!

: Let me tell you something about being frightened. On the island–

Kate: Comes and goes?

Jerry: Mm…it comes…and it goes, it comes and goes.

(Elaine takes a bite of an empenada from another table after which she and Jerry leave. At the same time Gob reenters on his Segway and approaches Kate)

: So mon senioritaria, can I get a ride home. I have candyyyyyy…in a piniata.

Kate: Why don’t you just go on that thing?

Gob: Are you insane?! That’s like an hour on this baby. An hour!

Narrator: 15 minutes.

Kate: (Thinks) And you say you have candy.

Gob: And an Xbox. And more…oh, so much more.

Kate: I’m sold, let’s go. Later Jack.

Jack: What? Kate, we go home together, or you’re going to die alone.

Kate: (smiles) Oh honey. I love you, but seriously, I’m with Gob now. He has candy! (exits with Gob on his Segway).

Ethel: I wonder why he didn’t offer us any candy.

Jack: I have to go back!

Lucy: No, oh, don’t go!

Jack: I have to go back! (Exits)

Fred: We might as well go to, Ethel.

Ethel: Fred!

Fred: Well I’ve had it. I’m hungry. (Exits)

Ethel: (Turns to an increasingly distressed Lucy.) Oh!

Lucy: Just go ahead, Ethel. I’ll be okay here all alone.

Ethel: Oh! Say, now you and Ricky can have a real nice romantic dinner. See you later, dear. Love you. Ooooh! (Exits)

(Lucy sobs)

(Ricky enters. Kisses Lucy)

Ricky: Hello honey. What’s the matter?

Lucy: Don’t you honey me!

Ricky: What happened!

(Lucy gives him the evil eye)

Narrator: It was then that Ricky discovered he’d made a huge mistake.

Ricky: Cometí un gran error.

Five Ways to Be More Annoying than the Unregenerate Grinch this Christmas

So you want to be the most annoying person possible on Christmas Day, do you? Understandable, understandable. You should understand, however, that there are good and bad ways to go about such a time-honored task. For those who aspire to such a lofty goal, here are five proven techniques to become more annoying than the unregenerate Grinch this Christmas.

Every time someone makes a statement of fact respond with, “You serious, Clark?”

Everyone loves a good National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quote. Everyone. Even people who’ve never seen it or heard of it. People especially love it when you repeat the same gag over and over and over. This quote is tailor-made for the Christmas Annoyer because it shows your unity with the most iconic Christmas Annoyer/Idiot in all cinema history.

Example of how you should respond to a statement in this scenario:

Person 1: “I take my fruitcakes very seriously.”

You: ”You serious, Clark?”

Do sound effects while opening your presents.

When you’re in the process of opening it there is a lot you can do. For example make radio calls to the mothership describing the mysterious package you are about to open, chew into it like a zombie eating human flesh, shriek like Godzilla as you ravage a building, the list goes on. Be creative. But don’t stop there. If it’s a good one sing a rousing rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus. If it’s a stinkeroonie, blow a raspberry followed by mimicking an airplane crashing and exploding.

Talk for as long as possible as often as possible about a super complicated Christmas-themed board game you invented called “The Abominable Christmas Elfquatch vs Santa’s Robo-Reindeer Super Squad.”

Be sure to throw in required training/certification courses that, you promise, will only take two hours—three max. This option, of course, will take some preparatory thought on your part, thinking up endless rules on such. There is no need to actually make a board for the game. If in the unlikely event that someone actually accepts your challenge, run away quickly and hide in your room to play with your toys.

Keep addressing a relative in a rotating cycle of several things that may rhyme with but are definitely not his or her actual name.

Also in all cases Egg is required. So for instance, you can address poor Uncle Ned as Uncle Sled, Uncle Bed, Uncle Red, and Egg on a rotating cycle. Feel free to throw other names in there once in a while like Doohickey or Fruitcake.

Celebrate the big day in red lederhosen, a cotton swab Santa beard, and a green Christmas elf hat.

Don’t be fooled by the laughter at your first appearance. It’s a hollow laugh which will disappear as the day progresses. After an hour or so people will get tired of the hideous get-up. By lunchtime, they will be sickened at the sight of you trying to eat with your cotton beard on. Yeah, by the time the feast is over you will have gravy, mashed potatoes, bits of turkey, and basically representatives of the entire meal inhabiting your be-cottoned face. By the end of the day, you will be stripped of your costume and it burned at the stake.

Five More Ways to Pretend Your Smart

Long ago I wrote about five incredibly effective ways to make you look smart. However, my teachings are not yet complete, my young Padawans. Here are five more timeless principles of the Smarti Knighthood. Learn them well:

1. Practice “Smart” hand language.
There are many multiplied forms of this. The tip to tip fingers, the beard stroking, the hair twisting, leaning on the fist, the list is long and possibilities multitudinous. All are important, and all can be smartized if effectively used. While all are imperative and must be practiced faithfully, my personal favorite may be the tip-to-tip. One performs this smart hand motion by placing his or her two hands together, fingers touching tip to tip. It is no coincidence that all of history’s world great conquerors were enabled to do so in large part because they mastered the tip-to-tip.

2. Stare Pensively and Ever So Silently into the Distance.
One of the most imperative things you should know about pretending to be smart is that being mostly silent and very brooding is key. This must necessarily be paired with a very pensive gaze into the distance. People will be awed—awed!—because they will assume you are thinking about earth-shatteringly profound idea or revolutionary concept when in reality you are just deciding between Hardee’s and Wendy’s.

3. Make a Habit of Almost Always Talking About Grammar on Social Media.
One of the chief things I absolutely love about social media is that people will let you know when you have made some sort of grammatical blunder. That, my friends, is an excellent way to bolster your smart profile in the eyes of the world. To cap it off perfectly it helps to go ahead and call them a “bloviating ignoramus” and/or an “odious pachyderm.” Indeed, make a practice of constantly talking commas and there, their, and they’re. All will love you and despair.

4. In All Conversations Consistently Remind Everyone with An Ear to Hear that You Possess Encyclopedic Knowledge of all Things from the Foundations of the World to the Present.
This is another of life’s great joys to be found in abundant use on both Twitter and Facebook. When these very gifted and learned people speak their vast knowledge, people listen. They soak it up. In reality, this is a very simple thing to do. Very is actually very little knowledge out there so just pretend like you know all the answers to everything.

This works for real-world conversations as well. In this case, you should be sure to do so only if you’re in at least decent shape. Such is the case since after you regurgitate a “fact” you should run away and hide as quickly as possible while they check your “facts” on Wikipedia.

5. Wear a Cape.
In my last article on pretending to be smart, I mentioned that a wizard’s staff is an excellent clothing item to complement your pretended smartness. While that is an ancient and very respected smart accessory, it is certainly not the only helpful one. There is also the cape. Edna Mode will not tell you that yet another reason that she has the “No Capes!” rule is that she has found that the cape makes her superhero clients look smarter than herself. Imagine Superman or Dr. Strange or Batman without capes. Superdorks, that’s what you would get. Nothing but superdorks.

To utilize a cape to maximum efficiency walk into the wind so that it furls dramatically behind you as you walk. If possible, walk in slow motion.

Five Possible Ways to Look a Person in the Face During a Conversation

So someone is talking to you and/or you are talking to them. Where do you look? We have all heard the term “looking into their eyes.” That’s plural. Both of their eyes at the same time? Is that even possible? Some people do say looking them in the eye. Well, which eye and how do you look in that eye. Commit to one way and be done with it! Here are five possible ways to look at someone in an eye.

Looking them in the right eye – Good choice. My favorite eye. All good things bask in the depths of this eye. You know that all-seeing eye on the top of that pyramid? Right eye. The right eye is known to gird itself with integrity. This is why you should never, ever trust a person who has an eyepatch over their right eye. Their integrity is obviously gone. Conversely, this is why you should absolutely trust a person with an eyepatch over his left eye. This is why I cotton to Nick Fury. I wish it weren’t the case that Jeff Bridge’s Rooster Cogburn wore his eyepatch over his right eye. Well…I’m giving him a pass cause he’s such a likable crusty curmudgeon.

Looking them in Left eye – This is the proverbial evil eye. Some say it is the one eye of Sauron, lidless and wreathed in flame. It is an ill wind that knows no good. Kidding. There are good things about it, unless it’s quivering. Although this eye is probably inferior to the right, if you start out with it, commit to it like there’s no tomorrow. But be careful with that left eye, it leadeth unto the right side of the brain and its creative crafty ways. Yes, my friends, very crafty that one.

Going Back and Forth Betwixt the Twain – Okay, so technically you can look them in both eyes at the same time if you use the back and forth technique. You have to take turns, though. Anyway, it’s an irritating option. This is a technique most often used by people who like to patronize. I’m not sure what it is but this is a good non-verbal way to make the individual feel two feet tall. If the left side of their head doesn’t understand your high and lofty ways, maybe the right side will get it.

Personally, I like to think that these pretentious back-and-forthers just can’t make up their feeble minds. They simply can’t commit.

Staring Between the eyes – This may get a little awkward if the ridge of their nose has a wart or continues a unibrow. It may also get a little weird if you are standing close enough that the speaker can tell you aren’t looking in their eye or eyes. And this begs the question, what in the world are you doing that close to them anyway? That’s the truly weird thing here. Just back off. And here we are back to the eyes. The vast majority of the time your best just sticking with an eye, preferably directly into the pupil.

Homing in on the mustard on their chin – In a land called Nowhere-Ever-At-Any-Time it is polite to not say anything at all about food on someone else’s face. It sure is fun, though. Not really. Sometimes depending on the person and situations it’s just too awkward to tell them. And once you know it’s there, it’s hard to concentrate on anything else they say–or anything else in the world, really.

But I’ll go ahead and be self-righteous and say that here in the real world of mature, mannered adults unless you’re like the notoriously rude Seinfeld gang who spurn all such Good Samaritan Laws, you will save them from the tragic embarrassment. So don’t be an Elaine or Kramer or Jerry or George and get back to what really matters here, the deep, dark well of the soul that is an eye.

Fool’s Gold: Are the Golden State Warriors the Most Overrated Team of All Time?

The 2016-2017 Golden State Warriors are champions of the basketball world once again. This is their second title in three years, having defeated LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers both times. They went 16-1 in the playoffs which is the highest post season winning percentage in the history of the NBA. By every conceivable measure they appear to be a great team.

Unless you ask other NBA players.

Charles Barkely, Scottie Pippen, Rasheed Wallace, Robert Horry, Julius Irving, and Magic Johnson have all had less-than-kind things to say about this Warriors’ team. All of them have publicly questioned their greatness, insinuating that they are the product of a watered down, less talented and more easily exploited league.

We here at Rambling Ever On decided to take a closer look into this controversy. What is it about this Warriors’ team that causes all of these former (and current) players to withhold praise, or worse, to openly doubt? We have done our best to get a good sampling of reaction from various NBA players who have played in different eras.

We started our investigation with the players from the 80’s and 90’s, since they seemed to be the most vocal in their criticism. Craig Ehlo, a former Cleveland Cavalier from the 80’s and 90’s, noted “I have no doubt we’d take them. 5 games at most. We didn’t win the championship but the league was tougher back then. And with the new rules Mark Price would hit 22 threes a game, minimum. Between me, Wilkins and Price, we’d have the Splash Triplets. Curry would ride the bench in the 90’s NBA.”

Patrick Ewing, Hall of Fame center for the New York Knicks bristled when asked if the current Warriors are better than the 1996 Chicago Bulls. “Man, we played those Bulls’ teams! They were great. Best ever. And we played them close. These pretty boys from Oakland would be crying on the court if they had to play me, Mason and Oakley. We sweep them or they would give up. Whichever comes first.”

It appears there is a level of skepticism about the Warriors. We dug deeper.

Click here for a more serious take on the Golden State Warriors.

Michael Olowokandi, the number one pick in the 1998 draft has also recently spoken out. “I’m confident the 99 Clippers would take these Warriors. I know I only averaged 8 points per game for my career, but the league was tougher back then. Draymond Green wouldn’t be able to touch me. I’d go for 30 every night.”

The skepticism and verbal attacks are not reserved for players from the 80’s and 90’s. NBA players from every decade are stepping up and taking their shots at Durant, Curry and the Warriors. Fred Carter, the leading scorer on the 1973 Sixers had some choice words.[1.The 1973 Sixers went 9-73 – the worst record in NBA history.] “Back when I played, there were only 17 teams in the league. There are 30 teams today. Obviously that has watered down the league. And we didn’t have any of those European players. Those guys should just stick to soccer.” Carter continued, “We didn’t have the three point shot in my day either. It didn’t exist. If it had been around, I am confident that at least half of my team could have shot it at least as well as Stephen Curry. Probably better.”

Fred “Curly” Neal of the Harlem Globetrotters added his own perspective. “Those guys are fancy. They dribble, they drive, they shoot from anywhere on the court. But we did all those things and we did them better. We looked better as well, you know what I’m saying? Don’t give me that 16-1! The Globetrotters won 8,829 games in a row!”

Surely, we thought to ourselves, that at the very least, the current players would have a healthy respect for a team that has won 207 regular season games and two NBA championships in the past three seasons. So, we approached LeBron James, arguably the great player of his generation, to get his thoughts. James was thoughtful and political with his response, yet with enough negativity it was clear the questions about the Warriors extends beyond the older generations. “Well, they were a great team. No doubt. But they played in an era that honestly didn’t have a lot of great teams. And their style of play worked for them in that era but would not be as effective against the great teams of other eras.” We asked James if his Cavaliers team would beat the Kevin Durant led Warriors in a seven game series. LeBron smiled, “Absolutely. Our team could defend the perimeter which would have contained Curry and Thompson. We would have neutralized Durant completely. Our teamwork and passing would have made it impossible for their defense to key on any one player. And defensively, we played a physical and aggressive style that would have knocked them off their game. We would have won that series in 5, maybe 6 games.”

There you have it. The Golden State Warriors, who set the NBA record for the most regular season wins in a single season AND over a three year span, winners of two NBA championships, are just not very good. In fact, ask any player, past or present, besides Dell Curry and Mychal Thompson, and they would tell you that pretty much any team that has ever played in the NBA could beat these guys. Even some great college teams could probably give them a good run for their money. In fact, there have been rumors that members of the 1995 College of Charleston Cougars are saying they believe their team could also defeat the Warriors in a 7 game series, but none of them could be reached for comment.

The Time-Traveling Spaniard Bigfoot Bernardino Big and the Continuing Quest for Dr. Pepper

In Five Grossly Inaccurate Recollections of Important Big Family Dates and What Actually Happened I related some historical Big tales as they are inaccurately known among the public at large. All of that was information given to me by Bill Big. Well, new information has come to light about the Spaniard Bernardino Big. I recently discovered his diary and found that before settling down he was indeed a time traveler. During his journey in Texas, he stumbled upon a strange time traveling device, a glowing orb, which changed his life forever. In the course of his travels he tried out all manner of popular merchandise of the individual times like felt top hats, bell bottoms, and Dr. Pepper. This last would quickly find a place in his heart, a memory to be cherished forever. After a time, however, all the time and space gadding about got old and he went back to his native space-time continuum. Only he made a mistake with the controls and when he returned was a few weeks after he left rather than just a few minutes. By that time, all of his countrymen had long gone, giving him up for dead. So that is the state we first found him, a long-lost traveler in a caffeine withdrawal rage. His diary tells us that shortly after this event he had had it with wandering about aimlessly and began a five-visit quest to relive Dr. Pepper glory. Sadly, though, he had quite forgotten which timeline possessed this carbonated nectar of life. That meant he was going to have to do more moving about in time here and there and everywhere. So off he went.

Visit One: 986 A.D. – Old Leif Erikson and his merry band of Vikings reported sighting sighting a big old monster who they described as an ugly, hairy beast with big black eyes. In his diary, Bernardino took great umbrage at this horrific description but admits it was probably accurate at the time. He had just left his Texan visit (which was his ninth visit since the very beginning) and was still on the caffeine withdrawal quest for the refreshing taste of Dr. Pepper. By this time he was veritably aquiver with this withdrawal. Leif, who actually chatted with him for a bit, informed Bernard that he knew not of this strange, mythical substance. So after after the Vikings sailed off home, he pouted for a bit then jumped again.

Visit Two: 1828-1829 – One of Bernard’s longest visits was in Georgia’s Okenfenokee Swamp throughout an unusually dry winter. He stayed so long because he cottoned to the solitude of swamp life. “Cottoned to” was a phrase he picked up from the various hunters and explorers who ventured through the swamp now and again. Although he didn’t know it, he was a regular old Yoda on Dagobah, he was, and managed to elude detection until some guys discovered his footprints he had carelessly left behind. Next thing you know all hell breaks loose and Bernard’s little piece of paradise comes to an end. Those dudes all hauled back and brought back a bunch of fired up Bigfoot hunters. Well, they found old Bernard, but their recollections of the event were vastly exaggerated. The only true part of their recollection is that just as many others in the Big line, Bernard was very tall. Other than that, bogus. Although it is true that they did eventually find the “monster,” they claim it viciously attacked them in a mad fury. In reality, Bernard was just standing there, kind of embarrassed since he had just taken a mud bath and wasn’t dressed and cleaned to receive visitors. The hunters, on the other hand, weren’t embarrassed at all, just scared and very, very nervous. When a cone dropped from a nearby cypress tree, the skittish hunters unloaded their guns into the poor, defenseless bulb. Bernard took the chaotic moment to leave this timeline. He grabbed the nearby time traveling device and said sayonara to his beloved swamp home before skedaddling into space and time.

Visit Three: 7856 – Here Bernardino landed in an alternate universe, which he had seldom done before. It was usually in his own homegrown universe. Anyway, in this far distant time and in this universe, Bernardino blended into the crowd since it was inhabited by all manner of Bigfoot civilizations. There were also races of flying unicorns and talking geraniums. Despite his being entirely covered in mud, within minutes of his arrival he was inundated with applications to join any one of at least a dozen different Bigfoot tribes. It was all quite fascinating and Bernardino was sorely tempted to stay, but alas, he longed for Dr. Pepper and the loving comfort of his native timeline so he pushed the button and off he went.

Visit Four: 1973 – This is the year the public started going crazy with Bigfoot and UFO sightings. Only two of these touted sightings (one of bigfoot, the other of a UFO) are actually true. And what is even crazier is that both of these happened on the same night and in the same location. Here is what is claimed to have happened that fateful night in Pennsylvania: A couple of teenage girls were out in front of their friends house waiting for a ride home when all of a sudden a nine-foot-tall Bigfoot with white fur emerged from the woods across the street. They claimed the beast was also carrying a glowing orb. The two ran back inside to tell their friend’s dad. He went to investigate and reported that while in the woods he saw a UFO. Here’s what actually happened: After arriving in 1973, the nude, still mud-covered Bernardino found himself in an empty house. It took him a couple of hours, but he somehow managed to figure out how the new-fangled inside bathroom stuff worked. He basically knew how these things worked thanks to his earlier visits to the 20th century. So he took a shower and cleaned off the mud. Afterwards, he covered his nakedness with the only thing he could find that even remotely fit: A pair of white long johns. Anyway that’s what his description sounds like. Bernard just figured clothes is clothes, you know. Afterwards he traipsed through the surrounding woods with the glowing orb to figure out where and in what time he had ventured. In the darkness he crossed a strange gray pathway and in the process scared off two girls. In the woods beyond a strange light beamed down on him. That is when the alien craft alighted beside him. Berbard stated that indescribably hideous beings came out. He said every one bore striking resemblances to Justin Bieber who he had actually encountered on an earlier visit. The Bieber beings told Bernard that they had been searching for precious time-travel device and had been stuck in 1973, the worst year ever, until they found it again. Bernard agreed to graciously return it to them on the condition that they return him to his original time and space.

Visit Five: 1519 – Yeah, that’s right. Bernardino was born and raised right in the timeline where we first met him. He had jumped from 1519 already two times. The very first time was at his home in Bilbao, Spain where he was part of a crew that set off for the new world. After a months-long sea voyage, they began to pave a path of death and destruction through Mexico. It was during the journey through what we now call Texas that Bernardino found the glowing orb in the sand. The orb, it had all manner of dials and numbering on its surface. When he accidentally made his first jump he wasn’t sure how to operate the blasted thing. After a few jumps he got a hang of it and eventually figured out how everything worked. Now at the end, sadly not having achieved his greatest desire, the alien Bieber beings, per his request, delivered him to his Balbao home. But seeing his great sadness and being filled with great pity, the Bieber beings graciously bestowed upon him a parting gift of a bottle of Dr. Pepper, a sacred liquid to their kind and their most valued possession.