Five Reasons Why I Don’t Have Horns Surgically Implanted on My Head

This is a fictional account of how I sought to have a horn or horns implanted on my head and utterly failed. It is also how I came to realize that that was probably for the best:

1. An authentic narwhal horn, my top choice, was just completely impractical.

I briefly talked with the doctor on the phone concerning my wishes and then met with him in his office a few days later.

Doctor: Okay, your number one choice was an actual ivory narwhal horn, is that right?

Me: Yeah, that’s right. Must be authentic.

Doctor: Mm. Well, you should know its not really a horn, per se.

Me: It’s not?

Doctor: No, it’s a tusk. So basically you’ll have a big tooth sticking out of your head

Me: Oh. Well, that would be different right? How cool would it be to eat with my head?

Doctor: That’s not— Anyway, that’s just for starters. Hunting narwhal just for their tusks is illegal these days and even if it weren’t, you would be lugging a 20-pound tooth on your head. It’s just impractical around.

Me: That makes sense. All body modifications are very practical, I understand that completely.

2. My second choice, an authentic unicorn horn (with its magical powers), was non-existent.

After this bit of dialogue, I sat there dejected, mournful, weeping. All the possible synonyms of sadness, that was me.

Me: Well what about my second choice, then?

Doctor: While that might be interesting, the thing is, they kind of don’t exist.

Me: Oh…Well, that’s not very fair.

Doctor: True. We could form you a synthetic unicorn horn of silicon

Me: I was hoping for a unicorn horn with all of its magical properties.

D: A silicon one is going more of the traditional route and therefore much safer because its tried and true.

Me: That means everyone’s doing it.

D: All of the advanced individuals, yes.

Me: I want to be an X-man, too.

D: Just call me Professor Xavier. I can do anything…but I can’t do real unicorn horns.

Me: And there’s the rub.

3. I decided my third choice, Elk Antlers, was just a stupid idea.

Me: Well, I have one last idea.

Doctor: Shoot.

Me: Elk horns.

Doctors: Mm, interesting choice. I’m not sure something like that has ever been done yet, but I think we can work with that.

Me: Never been done? Hasn’t Cate Blanchett done it?

D: Uhhh, I doubt it.

Me: I don’t know if that is true. You can clearly see her in that one scene in Thor: Ragnok with elk horn implants.

D: That was the character, Hela, and I’m pretty sure that was just a headdress. Notice she didn’t have the antlers most of the time. 

Me: Bogus. That was the main reason I wanted to get them. Without that I would just look like some kind of idiot with elk horns.

Doctor: By the way, they aren’t really horns. They are closely related, but horns and antlers are technically different things.

Me: Wow, not horns. Thanks, doc, you really helped me avoid a real fashion faux pas there. No, all things considered, elk ho–antlers is an entirely stupid idea.

4. I decided I ran too great a risk of either being used as either a hat rack or being mounted on a wall.

D: And look at it this way, now you won’t be used as a hat rack wherever you go.

Me: True that. Nor–now that I think about it–will my head end up mounted on the wall above a fireplace.

D: And why would that happen?

Me: So I’m walking around in the woods, a hunter sees my gangly antlers and–BAM!—I’m on his wall.

D: Quite the woodsman are you.

Me: Me, no way, I hate the woods. Who needs all that sticky, prickly, uncomfortable mess. Why?

D: No reason.

5. In all likelihood, my dream of using said horns as puns wasn’t going to pan out anyway.

Me: (I sighed) Perhaps this is for the best. I really only wanted the horns for puns, anyhow.

D: Puns?

Me: Yeah. Like I would point to my horns whenever I said something clever like “It’s a veritable horn of plenty” or “allow me to toot my own horn.” You know stuff like that.

D: You are one wild man, you are.

Me: Thanks. But you know, Doc, I heard one time that if you’re nothing without it, you’ll be nothing with it. I’m going with that.

D: Wisdom.

Me: Thanks for helping me make up my mind, Doc.

D: Glad to do it. Glad to do it. Let me know if you ever have any other body modification needs.

Me: You can count on that. I’m seriously considering a tortoise-shell torso encasement.

Ben Plunkett
Latest posts by Ben Plunkett (see all)

Ben Plunkett

Greetings from the booming metropolis that is Pleasant View, Tennessee. I am a man of constant spiritual highs and spiritual lows. I pray that I serve God at my highest even when I am lowest.

3 thoughts on “Five Reasons Why I Don’t Have Horns Surgically Implanted on My Head

  • April 26, 2019 at 10:42 am

    There is only one person in the world who could come up with this idea and then actually write it. Well done, Benjamin. Well done indeed!

  • April 26, 2019 at 10:49 am

    I liked it, Ben. But then I like just about everything you write…even if I can’t always understand it.

  • April 27, 2019 at 8:51 pm

    Thanks, guys.


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