There are days in every man’s life when he has to admit his failings. There are times when a man has to look into the eyes of those he has let down and say, “I’m sorry. I have failed you.” There are moments when a man has to push aside all excuses, all justifications, all good-intentioned reasoning and simply admit failure.
This is not one of those times.
Here are the Top Five Excuses why we don’t have a new Five today.
Lame Excuse Number One: We rested all of our starters after we clinched the division and the back-ups dropped the ball.
Lame Excuse Number Two: I (Ben) have spent the past couple of days in a carbonite freeze. I was only saved at the hands of my lady love, Brenda Organa. She was joined in this daring rescue by Phill, a trained Jedi, Gowdy the Wookie, Nathan the droid, and the rest of our clan who fought their way out of the Sarlacc pit to join us with a spontaneous music and dance routine before we headed back to earth. Needless to say it’s been a very busy couple of days. Even now as I write these words carbonite blindness obscures my vision and instead of dark blurs, I see bright blurs.
Although we have returned from our tiring quest, must of us have inexplicably lost the use of our brains. I’m thinking this is some evil trick of the dark side of the force. Anyway, have you ever tried to write a paper without a brain? Nearly impossible. I do it all the time and it never turns out well.
Lame excuse Number Three: The Presidential debate caused major trigger warnings in all our writing staff and we are all hiding in our safe spaces until things calm down. Trump was so mean it caused Gowdy to burst into tears. Ben was so alarmed by all the “birther” talk he spent the rest of the night looking for his own birth certificate fearing governmental action if he could not prove his citizenship. Hillary’s giggle and wiggle made Phill black out for a few minutes. He could be heard mumbling “No shimmy!” over and over.
Lame Excuse Number Four: We were all so busy reading the reponses to our “If you really know me you know I love _____” posts on Facebook we forgot it was Friday.
Lame Excuse Number Five: The dog ate it.
FWIW, we used the picture of this majestic eagle because it looks pretty much exactly how most of you will feel about this article. Needless to say, the eagle is not impressed.