Five Reasons Why I Don’t Have Horns Surgically Implanted on My Head
This is a fictional account of how I sought to have a horn or horns implanted on my head and utterly failed. It is also how I came to realize that that was probably for the best:
1. An authentic narwhal horn, my top choice, was just completely impractical.
I briefly talked with the doctor on the phone concerning my wishes and then met with him in his office a few days later.
Doctor: Okay, your number one choice was an actual ivory narwhal horn, is that right?
Me: Yeah, that’s right. Must be authentic.
Doctor: Mm. Well, you should know its not really a horn, per se.
Me: It’s not?
Doctor: No, it’s a tusk. So basically you’ll have a big tooth sticking out of your head
Me: Oh. Well, that would be different right? How cool would it be to eat with my head?
Doctor: That’s not— Anyway, that’s just for starters. Hunting narwhal just for their tusks is illegal these days and even if it weren’t, you would be lugging a 20-pound tooth on your head. It’s just impractical around.
Me: That makes sense. All body modifications are very practical, I understand that completely.
2. My second choice, an authentic unicorn horn (with its magical powers), was non-existent.
After this bit of dialogue, I sat there dejected, mournful, weeping. All the possible synonyms of sadness, that was me.
Me: Well what about my second choice, then?
Doctor: While that might be interesting, the thing is, they kind of don’t exist.
Me: Oh…Well, that’s not very fair.
Doctor: True. We could form you a synthetic unicorn horn of silicon
Me: I was hoping for a unicorn horn with all of its magical properties.
D: A silicon one is going more of the traditional route and therefore much safer because its tried and true.
Me: That means everyone’s doing it.
D: All of the advanced individuals, yes.
Me: I want to be an X-man, too.
D: Just call me Professor Xavier. I can do anything…but I can’t do real unicorn horns.
Me: And there’s the rub.
3. I decided my third choice, Elk Antlers, was just a stupid idea.
Me: Well, I have one last idea.
Doctor: Shoot.
Me: Elk horns.
Doctors: Mm, interesting choice. I’m not sure something like that has ever been done yet, but I think we can work with that.
Me: Never been done? Hasn’t Cate Blanchett done it?
D: Uhhh, I doubt it.
Me: I don’t know if that is true. You can clearly see her in that one scene in Thor: Ragnok with elk horn implants.
D: That was the character, Hela, and I’m pretty sure that was just a headdress. Notice she didn’t have the antlers most of the time.
Me: Bogus. That was the main reason I wanted to get them. Without that I would just look like some kind of idiot with elk horns.
Doctor: By the way, they aren’t really horns. They are closely related, but horns and antlers are technically different things.
Me: Wow, not horns. Thanks, doc, you really helped me avoid a real fashion faux pas there. No, all things considered, elk ho–antlers is an entirely stupid idea.
4. I decided I ran too great a risk of either being used as either a hat rack or being mounted on a wall.
D: And look at it this way, now you won’t be used as a hat rack wherever you go.
Me: True that. Nor–now that I think about it–will my head end up mounted on the wall above a fireplace.
D: And why would that happen?
Me: So I’m walking around in the woods, a hunter sees my gangly antlers and–BAM!—I’m on his wall.
D: Quite the woodsman are you.
Me: Me, no way, I hate the woods. Who needs all that sticky, prickly, uncomfortable mess. Why?
D: No reason.
5. In all likelihood, my dream of using said horns as puns wasn’t going to pan out anyway.
Me: (I sighed) Perhaps this is for the best. I really only wanted the horns for puns, anyhow.
D: Puns?
Me: Yeah. Like I would point to my horns whenever I said something clever like “It’s a veritable horn of plenty” or “allow me to toot my own horn.” You know stuff like that.
D: You are one wild man, you are.
Me: Thanks. But you know, Doc, I heard one time that if you’re nothing without it, you’ll be nothing with it. I’m going with that.
D: Wisdom.
Me: Thanks for helping me make up my mind, Doc.
D: Glad to do it. Glad to do it. Let me know if you ever have any other body modification needs.
Me: You can count on that. I’m seriously considering a tortoise-shell torso encasement.
Ben was a founding member of Rambling Ever On and a regular contributor and editor until his untimely death in April 2020.
We wrote a tribute to him, but the best tribute you can give him would be to read all the wonderful poems, short stories, book reviews, theological essays, and ridiculous satire pieces he wrote for us. Pass them on to others and maybe allow Ben to inspire you to write something yourself.
- The Chorus (Considering Ecclesiastes) - November 20, 2024
- The Aftermath (Considering Ecclesiastes) - September 24, 2024
- A Lesson (Considering Ecclesiastes) - August 20, 2024
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There is only one person in the world who could come up with this idea and then actually write it. Well done, Benjamin. Well done indeed!
I liked it, Ben. But then I like just about everything you write…even if I can’t always understand it.
Thanks, guys.