Five Ways to Be More Annoying than the Unregenerate Grinch this Christmas
So you want to be the most annoying person possible on Christmas Day, do you? Understandable, understandable. You should understand, however, that there are good and bad ways to go about such a time-honored task. For those who aspire to such a lofty goal, here are five proven techniques to become more annoying than the unregenerate Grinch this Christmas.
Every time someone makes a statement of fact respond with, “You serious, Clark?”
Everyone loves a good National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation quote. Everyone. Even people who’ve never seen it or heard of it. People especially love it when you repeat the same gag over and over and over. This quote is tailor-made for the Christmas Annoyer because it shows your unity with the most iconic Christmas Annoyer/Idiot in all cinema history.
Example of how you should respond to a statement in this scenario:
Person 1: “I take my fruitcakes very seriously.”
You: ”You serious, Clark?”
Do sound effects while opening your presents.
When you’re in the process of opening it there is a lot you can do. For example make radio calls to the mothership describing the mysterious package you are about to open, chew into it like a zombie eating human flesh, shriek like Godzilla as you ravage a building, the list goes on. Be creative. But don’t stop there. If it’s a good one sing a rousing rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus. If it’s a stinkeroonie, blow a raspberry followed by mimicking an airplane crashing and exploding.
Talk for as long as possible as often as possible about a super complicated Christmas-themed board game you invented called “The Abominable Christmas Elfquatch vs Santa’s Robo-Reindeer Super Squad.”
Be sure to throw in required training/certification courses that, you promise, will only take two hours—three max. This option, of course, will take some preparatory thought on your part, thinking up endless rules on such. There is no need to actually make a board for the game. If in the unlikely event that someone actually accepts your challenge, run away quickly and hide in your room to play with your toys.
Keep addressing a relative in a rotating cycle of several things that may rhyme with but are definitely not his or her actual name.
Also in all cases, Egg is required. So for instance, you can address poor Uncle Ned as Uncle Sled, Uncle Bed, Uncle Red, and Egg on a rotating cycle. Feel free to throw other names in there once in a while like Doohickey or Fruitcake.
Celebrate the big day in red lederhosen, a cotton swab Santa beard, and a green Christmas elf hat.
Don’t be fooled by the laughter at your first appearance. It’s a hollow laugh that will disappear as the day progresses. After an hour or so people will get tired of the hideous get-up. By lunchtime, they will be sickened at the sight of you trying to eat with your cotton beard on. Yeah, by the time the feast is over you will have gravy, mashed potatoes, bits of turkey, and basically representatives of the entire meal inhabiting your be-cottoned face. By the end of the day, you will be stripped of your costume and it burned at the stake.
Ben was a founding member of Rambling Ever On and a regular contributor and editor until his untimely death in April 2020.
We wrote a tribute to him, but the best tribute you can give him would be to read all the wonderful poems, short stories, book reviews, theological essays, and ridiculous satire pieces he wrote for us. Pass them on to others and maybe allow Ben to inspire you to write something yourself.
- The Chorus (Considering Ecclesiastes) - November 20, 2024
- The Aftermath (Considering Ecclesiastes) - September 24, 2024
- A Lesson (Considering Ecclesiastes) - August 20, 2024
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You serious Clark?
Well done! Good annoying work there.
#2 really scratches me right where I itch. Excellent! I’m so doing it.
Ha! I’d love to see that.