5 Steps to Become the BEST Facebook Mother of All Time

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1. Be sure and document everything on Facebook without actually doing anything. Kids don’t remember parents participating in activities or listening to them. They only remember when there are pictures of their activities to share with others. Especially when The Others are people you don’t really know or connect with on a personal level. (Cue the theme music of Lost.)

2. Include photos, videos, and stories that will embarrass your children as much as possible when you post. This ensures that our children will never feel comfortable to be themselves for fear it will be on Facebook. Living in this fear within their own home prepares them for the world outside of it. We certainly don’t want freedom of expression, opinion, discussion, etc. in our families.

3. Constantly post about your greatness as a mother, especially when it comes to your children’s spiritual development. If they pray a prayer of repentance, or give a toy to a sibling, or eat all their vegetables, or (wait for it…) mention the Death and Resurrection of Jesus, then post the mess out of it. (Be certain that the post does NOT include what happened before this event, e.g. your child punched another child before the sharing took place, you irrationally screamed about dirty socks being left in the middle of the kitchen floor, etc. Only posting the positive shows how great your child is and how great you are as the mother who taught him. Win-Win.)

4. Always share how terrible your life is; be a Mommy Martyr. (It’s especially important if you have no moments of greatness to post as mentioned in #3.) This should be your mantra when considering what to post: “No mother in the history of motherhood has ever had to endure {fill-in-the-blank-hardship} like I have.” Seriously, fill in the blank with whatever is difficult. It could be taking the kids to the grocery store, or fixing dinner with a baby on your hip and a screaming toddler, or having the flu while still caring for young ones. No matter how small, it’s actually BIG. You are a Martyr. You are a Mom. You are Mommy Martyr. Your adult children will look back at this digital footprint with immense appreciation for your great sacrifice, I am certain.

5. Never forget your success at mothering is directly proportional to the amount of “likes” you get on the posts mentioned above. It’s a proven formula for getting that coveted Mother of the Year Trophy. Number of likes (L) is equal to or greater than the relative success (S) of the mother of the children. (L ≥ S) For you non-math people, that means the more likes you get the more successful you are as a mother. Your worth depends on it.

I suppose you could completely ignore these sure-fire ways to be the best, and do things like listen to your kids, consider their ideas, participate in activities with them, and ignore the interwebs’ opinions. But then what else would you do with the empty space on your mantel, the spot for the coveted Facebook Mother of the Year Trophy?

Amy Lytle

Wife, mother, middle school teacher who wishes pajamas were fashionably acceptable, who speaks the language of sarcasm, and who imperfectly loves Jesus and her family (though she is perfectly loved.)

8 thoughts on “5 Steps to Become the BEST Facebook Mother of All Time

  • January 15, 2016 at 9:53 am
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    Facebook has pretty much convinced me that I will have to face the reality that my future kids will poop and pee when and where and how they are not “Supposed to”. But Facebook has also taught me that I have no intention of ever sharing those moments. My wife may be different.

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    • January 15, 2016 at 1:56 pm
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      Gowdy, you may be surprised how many conversations you will have about such things once you have kids! There’s a difference in sharing a poop story of an infant vs. a poop story of an 8-year-old.

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  • January 15, 2016 at 1:08 pm
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    I loved this!!

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  • January 15, 2016 at 7:37 pm
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    So wonderful! I need to go post that I read this while changing a diaper and making a casserole.

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  • January 16, 2016 at 4:26 pm
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    But posting embarrassing photos, stories and videos is so much fun! And I contend, it is incredibly character building.

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  • January 17, 2016 at 9:48 pm
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    I think the post is supposed to be exaggerated to make a point, right? And that point is perhaps to spend more time building relationship with children than trying to document the time spent with your children, right? And an additional point is to consider your child’s privacy when documenting comments on social media because our sweet kiddos are people after all with feelings. Right? Am I on the right track? If so, then I whole-heartedly agree. Facebook and other social media can become a vortex for misused time and neglecting those we love most. But. So can television, phone calls, exercise, hobbies, socializing, sports, napping, and on and on. When a writer makes such strong assertions, even in jest, it leads the reader to think the opposite must be true: Mothers shouldn’t be on Facebook, or should never post anything about their children, or how hard motherhood can be. For lots of moms, especially those homebound during those little years of multiple naps and feedings, social media can be an outlet to other people, community. And what is “too much” sharing for one person who is more of a private person may not be “too much” for someone else. And then, social media has also become a life line from family who lives far away. My point is this: Balance is always a good idea, even when making a joke.

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  • January 18, 2016 at 1:06 am
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    I’m not sure I’ve ever read something that said (or implied in an ironic joke) that you shouldn’t do something “constantly” or “always” or “as much as possible” and then thought “Oh…they are saying to never do it”. But maybe I’m weird!

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  • January 18, 2016 at 9:03 am
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    Emily, I don’t think your claim of “I whole-heartedly agree” makes sense with what you write at the end of your comment. I was asked by David to do this article as a “Five Things” with the focus on Facebook (not ” television, phone calls, exercise, hobbies, socializing, sports, napping, and on and on”). It wasn’t meant to be an in-depth commentary on balancing social media, etc. with parenting and relationship building. I have been a stay-at-home, a work-from-home mom, a work-outside-the-home mom, a foster mom, and a mom of an exchange student. I understand the struggles of parenting. This was written to be humorous. If I offended you (or any other hard-working mother who is raising a human), then I invite you or any mother to go grab some coffee and talk about it. I prefer staying away from the internet for in-depth discussions.

    Reply

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