Lucy Hosts a Book Club

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The setting is the modest black-and-white Ricardo apartment. Actually, it’s technically just several shades of gray. Eight frenemies—Lucy Ricardo, Hannah Montana, Ethel Mertz, Jack Shepherd, Gob Bluth, George Costanza, Jerry Seinfeld, and the inimitable Cosmo Kramer—have gathered for the monthly meeting of their precious book club. Because it was her birthday on August 6 and because she loves hosting stuff almost as much as breathing, they have allowed Lucy to both host the meeting and to choose the book to be discussed. For this evening’s club meeting, the book of discussion is Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.

Lucy Ricardo: Da-da-da-DA-ta-DAAA! Lucy Ricardo presents the Lucy Ricardo Show. Da-da-da-DA-ta-DAAA! Today we’re talking about a book that I love and hope you’ve all read and love like I do, Green Eggs and Ham.

Hannah Montana: It’s a stupid book. I wanna sing!

Lucy Ricardo: Oh…well…that’s not very nice.

Hannah Montana: Don’t be hating on me. Hate just makes you ugly. Oops! Too late!

Lucy: Oh…well…Gob, let’s start with you.

Hannah Montana: But I just wanna sing. It’s magically magic.

Gob: Did someone say magic?

Lucy Ricardo: No, no one said anything about magic. (Leans over to Ethel.) Did anyone say anything about magic?

Ethel: Yes, Hannah, did.

Lucy: Oh that. (laughs it off.) Anyway, Gob, what about the book?

Gob: The book, the book. Right, right, right, right. What can I say about Green Eggs and Ham. Wow!….Wow!…Just wow! It was awesome. Definitely one of the greatest things ever. So much green and…breakfast…and stuff. You’ll love it, Ethel.

Ethel Mertz: I already read it, thank you. Very nice.

Gob: Yeah, yeah, me too, me too. It has lots of pictures and pretty colors and stuff…Maybe we can enjoy it together.

Hannah Montana: Why aren’t you talking about me?

Gob: Come on! Step off. I did talk about you once. It wasn’t pretty.

Hannah Montana: Shut up.

Gob: Nuh-uh

Hannah Montana: Uh-huh

Gob: Nuh-uh

Hannah Montana: Uh-huh

Jack Shepherd: Cool it!

Hannah Montana: He started it.

Gob: Nuh-uh infinity.

Jack: Quiet! I’ve had enough of you two. Hannah, you were about to make a comment…about the book.

Hannah Montana: I read it, like, for forever. Loved it! Sam made me want me to be a staaaar!

George Constanza: I got to hand it to him, my friends, that Sam is quite a guy…quite…a…guy. Really knew his ham and eggs.

Ethel Mertz: I didn’t care for his friend, though. Might as well have finished up that last little dab. I hate to see food go to waste.

George Constanza: (Snort laughs) No, you wouldn’t.

Ethel Mertz: Quiet, fat boy.

Lucy Ricardo: I liked it that he got to be one of the millions of happy, peppy people in a box, with a fox, with a mouse, in a house in this bittle lottle, uhhh, little bottle of fun.

Kramer:  Wait a second, I read Mr. Brown Can Moo! Can You? I’ve read it like seven times already…You all read the wrong book. I was told there would be green eggs and ham in there. [Snaps.] I was misled.

Jack Shepherd: Let’s hurry this along. Jerry, go.

Jerry Seinfeld: I was reading it until my illustrious friend here took it into the bathroom. Then, get this, he puts it back on the table. I asked him what is THAT book doing on the table? That book has been on a wild ride. I told him to keep it and keep it out of my sight.

Hannah Montana: Does anyone know when another Dr. Seuss book is supposed to come out? Something that’s an awesome prop for my song, “Let’s Get Crazy”? You know, like I’m at a party and start dancing and reading this book. That’s totally crazy.

Jerry: That comment about covers the totally random and completely useless department.

Hannah Montana: Has anyone else noticed that Seuss’s books almost always, like, do really good rhyming? I just noticed the rhyming yesterdayyyyyyyy.

Kramer: Yeah…yeah, I think you got something there. In the book I read, Dr. Seuss does say “moo moo” but he doesn’t rhyme it with “poo poo” but with “hoo hoo” and “cock-a-doodle-doo.” Big mistake.

Lucy: Huh?

Kramer: Yo momma foo. He would have gotten a lot more traction by rhyming moo moo with poo poo.

Hannah Montana: Look at me.

Jack Shepherd: I never wanted to do this book. And I’m not! I will not read Green Eggs and Ham. Not here or there or anywhere. Just not. I decided to read One Fish, Two Fish, Three, Four, Five Fish by Seuss yesterday instead. It was good that it was only five. I knew I had to deal with it so I let it do its thing, but only up to five. That’s all I was going to give it. Have you all read it? What did you think? Go!

George Costanza: Ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, no. I don’t think so. I didn’t spend all yesterday evening reading and preparing my comments to be rebuffed like this.

Lucy: Rebuffed?

George Costanza: Reeeebuffed!

Jerry Seinfeld: So sleeping on my couch, you would classify that as reading all evening?

George: I was listening on tape!

Jerry: They put Dr. Seuss on tape?

George: For the blind they do.

Lucy: Well, we can talk about One Fish, Two Fish, Three, Four Five Fish if everyone wants.

Hannah Montana: I have. loved it! I really—

Lucy: Wait, let me start the show over.

Hannah Montana: Fine. I can do it. You want to be the background vocals?

Kramer: I have a little experience doing this myself.

Lucy: No. Da-da-da-DA-ta-DAAA! Lucy Ricardo presents the Lucy Ricardo Show. Da-da-da-DA-ta-DAAA! Today we’re talking about a book that I love and hope you’ve all read and love like I do, One Fish, Two Fish, Three, Four, Five Fish. Okay, Hannah.

Hannah: You didn’t do it right. But anyway, I really liked the pink one fish.

Ethel Mertz: I read the fish story when Fred and I were on the road for Vaudeville.  I almost quit until the blue fish was introduced. It got kind of dull with just a one, two, three, four, and five fish.

George: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Why was there not a six fish? Is that wrong? Is that frowned upon? Cause I got to tell you, if anyone had—

Jack Shepherd: Why are you talking about a six? Can you hear yourself right now? That is insaaaaane!

George: Not really. I don’t think so, no. Six is the number following five and right before seven. Makes perfect sense. Like manure. “Ma” and then there’s “newer.” Two very positive words.

Jack Shepherd: That ticks me off. I said I was only going with five and that’s how it’s going to be. No more numbers!

Gob: Oooo, I’m so scared. The big green monster’s a-comin’.

Hannah Montana: When is everyone going to look at me?

Jerry: Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Jack: Look, we have to be on the same page here, because if we can’t read together, we’re going to die alone.

George: Six……six…six, six, sixsixsixsixsixsi…Wait, did you say die? The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus?!?! Where was I? Oh yeah…six, six, six, sixsixsixsix!

Jack Shepherd: That’s enough! All lovers of six or more–out!

Lucy: But the show just started! Jaaack!

George: I know, the gall of this guy! What is your deal?

Jack: Everybody wants me to be a leader until I make a decision that they don’t like.

George: Nobody asked you to be the leader!

Hannah Montana: Look at me!

Gob: So Ethel, want to read together?

Ethel Mertz: Fred!!!!

Voiceover: It was then that Gob realized he’d made a huge mistake.

Gob: I’ve made a huge mistake.

Ben Plunkett

Greetings from the booming metropolis that is Pleasant View, Tennessee. I am a man of constant spiritual highs and spiritual lows. I pray that I serve God at my highest even when I am lowest.

3 thoughts on “Lucy Hosts a Book Club

  • August 15, 2016 at 6:20 pm
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    Yes, I think that sums it up rather well.

    Reply
    • August 15, 2016 at 9:42 pm
      Permalink

      Thanks, Allan. It was really hard keeping this crazy crew on topic. Everyone always wanted to do their own thing. Divas, all of ’em!

      Reply
  • August 23, 2016 at 8:42 am
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    Although I wrote most of this, Phill Lytle had a big hand in constructive criticism that shaped it. He even wrote a couple of lines. Without his input it would look vastly different. Other characters who have appeared in other versions: Buster Bluth, Jayne, Shepherd Book, Hurley, Juliette, Ben Linus, and Helen Crump. Truth be told, Lucy was a late addition. She was the last addition in the last version.

    Reply

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