Bigfoot: The Real Story!
In recent months there have been more and more common and very public Bigfoot sightings throughout the state of California. This is so recent that until earlier this strange and very misunderstood creature was famous for its elusiveness and was rarely “photographed” in the wild. Until yesterday very little was know about this man-animal. Our correspondent Jan Drysedale caught up with him for an interview in his Hilton suite (All expenses paid by the Bigfoot Field Research Organization). Asked why he had chosen this particular time in history to finally come into public view he responded:
“Weeell, to set the record straight.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“A couple of things. First of all, this isn’t the first time one of us has come out in the open like this. Last time I did myself was back during the ‘80s when I spent some time as Ronald McDonald in those crazy popular commercials.”
“That was you?”
“That was me. Well, that is for about a month before my hair started growing back all over and I started scaring people.”
“I bet you hate hated that.”
“You bet. Scaring people is one of the few things all Bigfoots…Bigfeets….my kind hate more than all the other things in the universe. Kidding. We love to howl in the night. People be like, What was that? Other people be like, I don’t know. Bigfoot maybe? Then they’re all confused, you know. It’s like bigfoot. Not bigfoot. Bigfoot. Not Bigfoot. Bigfoooot. The truth is out there. He lurks in the night.”
“So you have spent time in public society before now. Why have I never heard about this?”
“Eh, people don’t remember beyond last year.”
“So what was the second reason you mentioned for coming out now?”
“Okay, well, so I read this article my friend Ben Plunkett wrote about me a few years ago called “Five Probable Reasons Human Society Will Never Find Bigfoot.” I’m the Bill Big he was talking about, by the way. Ben, he knew me pretty well until the early 90s so those were actually pretty good guesses based on my personality. Especially the invisibility one. Discovering an invisibility potion has long been a great passion of mine and he knows that. But…”
“But?’
“He was actually wrong on all accounts.”
“Care to give us the real story?”
“Well funny story actually.”
“Is it?”
“No, not especially. Back in the mid-90s I was going through some of the Big heirlooms and discovered this really old diary of Bernardino Big, he’s a Spanish ancestor of mine. I believe Ben has written an article based on that same diary called ‘The Time-Traveling Spaniard Bigfoot Bernardino Big and the Continuing Quest for Dr. Pepper.’ Really weird stuff in there.”
“Ah, so you acquired that glowing orb and have been doing some time traveling.”
“Negative. If I did you think I would be here? I would be reliving my glory Ronald McDonald days on a continuous loop for all etenity.”
“Of course.”
“Thanks, Pam.”
“Its Jane.”
“Sure thing, Pam. No, what interested me was the tidbit of the aliens taking the orb home with them.”
“…So you’re saying you’ve been in space?”
“What? That’s crazy talk, Pam!”
“So what are you saying?”
“I’ve been in Balboa, Spain hunting down that blasted bottle of Dr. Pepper the aliens gave him as a parting gift. It would be priceless as far as the Bigs are concerned.”
“There are other bigfoots?”
“Used to be. We kind of died out…No, my friend, it is I, Bill, the last of the Bigs.”
“So did you finish what you wanted to do in Balbao?”
“Sort of. After most of three decades, I finally got bored with it and just got a Dr. Pepper at Dollar General. “
“How anticlimactic.”
“Thanks, Pam.”
“Could you do something bigfootish for us?”
(Bill makes long, slow, deliberate strides across the room swaying his arms.)
“Wow, that’s what I’m talking about. So what’s next for you?”
“Not sure, thinking about going back to lurking in woods and posing for blurry photographs. Maybe making a few eerie calls in the night now and then. I like to keep people wondering.”
This interview was the last confirmed sighting of Bill “bigfoot” Big. He is last rumored to have been seen striding across an abandoned construction site in northern California. Where is he today? Has he returned to the woods? Is he is still searching for that Dr. Pepper? Is he staying at your local Hilton? We may never know.
This is Jan not Pam Dryesdale. And we’re all confused.
Ben was a founding member of Rambling Ever On and a regular contributor and editor until his untimely death in April 2020.
We wrote a tribute to him, but the best tribute you can give him would be to read all the wonderful poems, short stories, book reviews, theological essays, and ridiculous satire pieces he wrote for us. Pass them on to others and maybe allow Ben to inspire you to write something yourself.
- The Chorus (Considering Ecclesiastes) - November 20, 2024
- The Aftermath (Considering Ecclesiastes) - September 24, 2024
- A Lesson (Considering Ecclesiastes) - August 20, 2024
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My friend Ben has been blessed with an extraordinary imagination and and exceptional writing ability.